 |
| The Newborn Baby, by Matthijs Naiveu (Metropolitan Museum of Art) |
The most difficult endeavors are often also the most rewarding. Climbing Mount Everest, surviving Marine boot camp, raising children, are taxing but also fulfilling. Well, I can't vouch for the first two. But that third one — I have considerable direct personal experience. Trust me: being a parent is hard. And exhilarating.
Back when my friends were having babies, I sometimes greeted the happy news of a pregnancy by describing what I called my "parenthood epiphany." It went like this:
Only the story didn't comfort the listeners, it concerned them — I can still see one colleague, an editor at the paper, backing away, eyes wide — and I eventually stopped telling it, so not to constrict my social circle smaller than it already was.
This came back to me when I saw Republican vice presidential candidate JD Vance being pilloried on social media for his remarks from 2021 that people without children do not have a "direct stake" in the country, but are, "a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they wanna make the rest of the country miserable, too. It's just a basic fact. You look at Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg ... the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children."
There's a lot to unpack there.
First, he's completely mistaken. Harris has two stepchildren, and the suggestion that they somehow don't count is simply wrong, as anyone who knows anyone with foster or adopted children — like Pete Buttigieg and his husband — or stepchildren knows.
Back when my friends were having babies, I sometimes greeted the happy news of a pregnancy by describing what I called my "parenthood epiphany." It went like this:
The week we brought Ross home, I was sitting in the new blue rocking chair about 3 a.m., staring numbly down into his red, distorted, howling face. And a startling thought formed in my exhaustion-sapped mind: Ohhhhhhhh, so this is why those teenage girls kill their kids. Now I understand. We're 35 years old. We have all the money in the world. We desperately wanted this baby, for years. It's the third night. And we're going OUT OF OUR MINDS!I told that story, not because I'm a bastard — well, not entirely — but because I wanted the expectant newcomer before me to realize that they were embarking upon a rocky journey. That if they found it difficult at times, it wasn't because they were bad parents, necessarily. It was just the nature of the beast
Only the story didn't comfort the listeners, it concerned them — I can still see one colleague, an editor at the paper, backing away, eyes wide — and I eventually stopped telling it, so not to constrict my social circle smaller than it already was.
This came back to me when I saw Republican vice presidential candidate JD Vance being pilloried on social media for his remarks from 2021 that people without children do not have a "direct stake" in the country, but are, "a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they wanna make the rest of the country miserable, too. It's just a basic fact. You look at Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg ... the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children."
There's a lot to unpack there.
First, he's completely mistaken. Harris has two stepchildren, and the suggestion that they somehow don't count is simply wrong, as anyone who knows anyone with foster or adopted children — like Pete Buttigieg and his husband — or stepchildren knows.
To continue reading, click here.
I think Dump is already having buyer's remorse in picking him for VP.
ReplyDeleteHe picked the guy who was the biggest ass-kisser (out of quite a few), and now that Jethro Doofus has become something of a national joke, he may be having regrets. News organizations have debunked the sex-with-a-couch story, but it must have been in an earlier edition of his book, because I read that passage yesterday.
DeleteWill they dump him? Might be too late. And now the childless cat lady thing...he just keeps digging himself into a deeper hole every day. I'm loving it...it's like watching a slow-motion train wreck.
Sniffy seems to have believed that the Democrats were on the ropes, and he picked a "mini-me"--a someone who would be an even worse nightmare than Mr. Tangerine Man himself. Don't laugh...they could still win, and then Orange Boy could easily croak...and there we are. Unless they dump Jethro first.
As for not having kids...I believe I've already gone down this road at EGD. My father was an abusive piece of...work, and my mother was jittery and nervous when my sister and I were young. "Wait until you have kids...you'll see!" she repeatedly said. She calmed down later, for any number of reasons, but that line resonated from early on.. Thanks to both parents, I knew by the time I was ten that I would not willingly have children. Did not wish to repeat their mistakes, which I always assumed I would. The buck stopped here.
Regrets? Not really. If I have them, they're few and fleeting. All I have to do is look around me. By remaining child-free, I saved somebody never born from mistreatment that never happened.
It's been almost 40 years since I last had the "red, distorted, howling face" experience with my granddaughter along with the stark recognition that I was seconds away from hurling that howling face against the wall. Singing Turaluralura and Goodnight, Irene, was more for calming myself than her. Mt. Everest would have been a piece of cake.
ReplyDeleteJohn
I find it particularly troubling that J.D. Vance is opposed to in vitro fertilization. If he considers it so important to be a parent, why wouldn't he want to encourage those who are having difficulty conceiving a child?
ReplyDeletegood point
DeleteDon't understand how his smart and educated wife would put up with Vance.
DeleteYou're not the only person who can't understand.
Delete32 years ago, I was standing in my sons bedroom, rocking him in my arms as he screamed in my ear. He’d been screaming for several hours. My adrenal gland had swollen to the size of a grapefruit. I thought to myself, this is the moment that the folks in the trailer park throws the kid against the wall.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t throw him against the wall, but it was a moment of clarity for me about how the mind works.
I think we both had a pretty universal experience and thank the heavens I have the wherewithal to go for insight rather than violence.
“The liberal superpower is to realize that there are other people, who do other things, and the existence of someone different who, through accident or design, takes a different life path is not an intolerable refutation of my life.”
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if I’ve ever heard a more succinct encapsulation of the difference in the way liberals view the world as opposed to conservatives. It’s as if conservatives’ whole world view consists of a 6’ radius of whatever physical space they happen to occupy at any given time. They can’t imagine that things are happening in other places that are very different from their own personal experiences and that these are perfectly normal events. It’s a selfish perspective that sadly limits them in many ways. Thanks for that, NS.
I believe that Chasten is Pete Buttigieg's husband, not partner. JD Vance, on the other hand, is just another pimple on the hindside of the Republican Party.
ReplyDeleteAsk pediatricians for ideas. There are even over the counter drops for babies that help with colic and are safe.
ReplyDeleteSorry, Neil, to correct you, but Chasten Buttigieg is Pete Buttigieg's husband. They are partners but they are legally (for now) married.
ReplyDeleteDone — to me the terms are synonymous, but given how hard-fought it was, better to be precise (I think I was being lazy, trying to write the column and not check the exact situation). Fixed now here, and soon in the paper as well. Thanks.
DeleteSpeaking as a childfree-by-choice cat lady, I am quite comfortable stating unequivocally that JD Vance is an idiot and a huge piece of that proverbial substance. AND I just got my Harris 2024 T-shirt which I will be wearing often. As for cats, I have been owned by 10 at one time or another. And, for the record, also five dogs.
ReplyDeleteWhile I understand that it wasn't the main point of the column today, I do think it's fairly significant that Vance was completely, factually wrong about both Harris and Buttigieg not having children, and I'm persuaded that he wasn't trying to split hairs over whether they were the original parents or step or adoptive parents as the case may be, but was more likely simply ignorant, and literally did not know what he was talking about.
ReplyDeleteI've seen the Fox News interview clip in question, with Tucker Carlson's vapid stare-into-the-camera gaze on the left half of the screen, and at that point in the interview, Vance had developed a full head of steam over his current topic and probably wasn't really into self-fact-checking mode (it might also be that the occasional nod from Carlson was a little reward for him to keep going), but nevertheless it says a lot about Vance's poorly developed way of thinking, and why he would be a terrible choice for office.
I remember clearly one night when our two week old started crying at 2 am-for the 2 am feeding-I thought "Oh God he's still here". It passes and they sleep thru the night. But it's hard-the hardest thing we've ever done. But now I have grandkids and they are a wonder and delight. Plus, you spoil them and give them back!
ReplyDeleteI read and liked Hillbilly Elegy, but at the end of the book, there was a troubling and by no means subtle shift, in which he couldn't help taking full credit for all his success and casting blame on those who were unable (or even unwilling) to do the hard work of breaking out of the Hillbilly ghetto.
ReplyDeletejohn
yes
Delete" ... a troubling and by no means subtle shift, in which he couldn't help taking full credit for all his success and casting blame on those who were unable (or even unwilling) to do the hard work of breaking out of the Hillbilly ghetto." In 2019, I was with a group of Chicago-area volunteers helping a local non-profit in West Virginia work with the residents in small former coal-mining "hollers." As part of our work we were given some pre-read information and videos to help us understand the culture of the area. Despite the complexities of what we learned in the pre-reads and videos, some of us also had read Hillbilly Elegy and and came with a bit of an attitude that surely it must be an individual's own doing if they were still living in such a desperate state. We mentioned the book to the local leaders/organizers who were accomplished in their study of the area and its social/societal/political issues; they rolled their eyes and said "Nooooo!" They had little regard for Vance's conclusions and the blame he cast, especially as that became the focus of his interviews and follow up suggesting his superiority over those who could not/did not leave their homes. After a week, we left with eyes open and a much better understanding of and compassion for the people living their lives in the hollers, as puzzling as the social and political ramifications might be to us.
DeleteI'm amazed he forgave his Mom. I wouldn't have. She was manipulative too.
ReplyDeleteJD Vance (not his name) is a Hollyweird set-up. Somehow gets a banker job and Senate seat; married a Hindu.
ReplyDeleteAnother Trump University scam. Greasy too.
One needn't have children, biological or otherwise, to have children intrinsic to one's life. Our teachers, aunts, uncles, fosters, mentors, big brothers/sisters and neighbors can be deeply incorporated into children's lives. All of these relationships -- plus authors and more -- can be meaningful to the child and adult, without the adult necessarily having a child under their roof.
ReplyDeleteI don't need to have gone through childbirth to care about the future beyond me.