Flashback 2007: Satisfaction guaranteed.

     I was searching the archive and noticed this. Too much fun not to share. The good news is that Archie McPhee is still in business, and still promises to return unsatisfactory or defective items. Alas, the pig catapult must have caused too much trouble, as it is no longer offered among their line of novelty products. No do they notionally employ the fictive Molly Primrose to interact with the public. David Wahl, however, still works at the company. 

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

     My older son's pig catapult broke. Not surprising, considering the workout he gave it, stalking about a family gathering, peppering his aging relatives with small pink plastic pigs.
     Behavior that a judicious parent would quickly halt — or so you might imagine, until you try actually saying the words, "Stop pelting people with pigs!" Easier to just ignore him. Besides, they're very small pigs, less than an inch long. It isn't as if they hurt.

   The device — sort of a blue plastic handgun with a contraption for flinging — broke very quickly anyway.
     Here the tale might have ended.
     But his mother, always ready to rally behind her cubs, noticed the lad still had the cardboard packaging from the catapult -- saved because it has a "Pig Bull's Eye" on the back, to aid in honing his pig-pelting skills.
     She went online, to the manufacturer's Web site.
     "My son recently purchased a pig catapult made by your company," her note began. "The toy was quite fun. However, about one week after he purchased it, the portion that holds the pigs snapped off after the catapult was fired. It appears to have snapped off where the tension rod places pressure on the plastic catapult. Can you please replace this faulty pig catapult?"
     Here again the saga might have ended. One reason our world is so vexing is that companies build their bottom lines by shaving away customer service. It's hard enough to find anyone at Apple to care about your busted $400 iPod, never mind receive satisfaction for a broken $4.95 pig catapult made in China.
     Yesterday, a box arrived. It contained not only a new pig catapult, but this letter:
     "Dear Edie:
     "I am so sorry to hear that your Pig Catapult was defective. Here is a new one for you. Also here is a small gift to say we are sorry for any trouble this may have caused you. Thank you for bringing this to our attention so we could fix it for you!"
     Not quite a second sun appearing in the sky, but close.
     The gift, by the way, was a box of bandages designed to look like strips of bacon. My wife loved it.
     Here too, the tale might have ended. But there was one more paragraph.
     "I have enclosed an Archie McPhee Catalog for your enjoyment. Archie McPhee is our retail business."
     The catalog "of surprising novelties, good jokes and useful articles" hit our household like a t-bone steak tossed into a tank of piranhas.
     How to describe the product line? Simple toys and toys with an edge. Plastic ants and "Just Like Dad!" brand bubble gum cigarettes. Rubber ducks and gummy banana slugs.
     Bacon is fun, apparently. In addition to bacon bandages, there is bacon air freshener, a bacon wallet ("Not made from real bacon"), bacon tape, bacon gift wrap and Uncle Oinker's Gummy Bacon.
     Jesus too, must be amusing, in certain circles. There is the classic dashboard Jesus, plus a bobblehead Jesus, Jesus gift wrap and not one but two Jesus Action Figures, one with wheels "for smooth gliding action," another, deluxe set, complete with plastic loaves and fishes and "glow-in-the-dark miracle hands."
     An invigorating blasphemy pervades the enterprise. Beyond the Jesus goods, there are Last Supper After Dinner Mints ("Tasty & Religious"), a boxing rabbi puppet, Buddha pencil toppers and, so nobody feels left out, Nihilist Chewing Gum ("No flavor -- We don't believe in flavor.")
     Here, again, the curtain might fall. But the letter was signed "Molly Primrose." Must be a made-up name, I decided. A blanket identity to personalize customer service off-loaded to India.
     I wanted to take the catalog to work with me, but any possible argument ("Boys, it's my job") seemed feeble in the face of the passion with which they were selecting and discarding various items from their imaginary orders, toting up the balances so as to absorb every last penny in their possession.
     "Dad," said Ross, as I was leaving, "do you think I should get a Monkey Groan Ball? When you squeeze it, it's like a monkey groaning . . ."
     "Sounds great," I said.
     My morning's work became tracking down Molly Primrose. Such a pretty and unusual name — there is only one person named "Primrose" in the Chicago White Pages — it had to be a fiction.
     Hadn't it?
     I contacted the company and waited. Carol Marin envisioned Molly as an older woman, walking a bunny on a leash — a lovely image. I thought of her as mid-20s, tattoos on both arms, bravely trying to keep her poetic soul alive while answering letters complaining about pig catapults.
     Finally David Wahl, Archie McPhee spokesman, called. I could tell he didn't want to say it, so I said it for him.
     Molly Primrose isn't real, is she?
     "It's our contact name for customer service,'' he said, reluctantly. "It's a rotating series of people who do it. We take it very seriously for a company that sells such stupid, useless things."
     Of course, one shouldn't pull back the corporate skirts too much. Still, upon reflection, it struck me that the only thing more wonderful than there being an actual Molly Primrose is there being a business in this day and age that feels compelled to make one up.

     — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Jan. 24, 2007

An apology to Poland: Smithsonian scrubbing humbles once great nation

 

     Pride goeth before a fall, the Bible says.
     Well, not really. Like many widely-quoted phrases, that's an improvement on the original, polished smooth by longtime use. The actual line in Proverbs 16 in the King James Bible is "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."
     Either way, a reminder to tack toward humility. 
     I try to bear that in mind. But sometimes I get carried away.
     Such as in February, 2021. The future was bright. The Trump era had seemingly ended the month before. If you told me the guy who sicc'd a mob on the U.S. Capitol would sweep back into office in four years, I'd have laughed. America was back, and what better way to celebrate than to brag about our freedom?
     It being Black History Month, I chose our nation's bleakest chapter. My column began: "You know the great thing about centuries of slavery in the United States? The big positive that gets 
overlooked ... ?"
     A tease — what could be good about slavery? — to draw readers in, leading to the reveal. The good thing about slavery was:
     "That we can talk about it now, honestly, openly, write and discuss, and contemplate our nation’s difficult and tortured past, unafraid. That is an undeniable greatness of America, one to be proud of. Because not every country can manage it."
     To provide an example, I decided to kick Poland, because that winter, two historians, Barbara Engelking and Jan Grabowski with Warsaw's Polish Center for Holocaust Research, were hit by a lawsuit by the government-funded Polish League against Defamation, which sued the authors, as I put it, "for recounting history that contradicts their sense of unmitigated national glory."
      The column I wrote was peppered with translated quotes from Yiddish letters from my great uncle, Zalman Bramson, about life in Poland in the 1930s. Let's just say Poles didn't need the Germans to teach them to abuse Jews. 
     “The Holocaust is not here to help the Polish ego and morale,” said Grabowski. “... which seems to be forgotten by the nationalists.”
     Not forgotten. Actively suppressed. Nationalists have a way of pushing the nations into the abyss. History teaches this, so must be prettied up so as not to give away the game.
Feeling myself on safe ground, I indulged in some analysis.
      "Like our own country for the past half decade, and nations around the world, Poland fell in the grip of resurgent nationalism. A shameful political philosophy that believes a country becomes great, not by actually doing great things, but through talk, threats and pressure. Their greatness is declarative — tell everybody “We are great!” Over and over and over."
      The nation of Poland, through its embassy in Washington, demanded the column be taken down, while finding nits to pick — this supposed "historians" I cite, his degree was in sociology!

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Flashback 2008: Walter Netsch "He broke out of the box"

     

Walter Netsch's University Hall at UIC's Circle Campus is consistently cited among
the ugliest buildings in Chicago. In 2018, TimeOut Chicago called it "a larger-than-life
Triscuit cracker" and a "rogue domino." (Photo courtesy WikiCommons)

     Tonight's Sun-Times Roast of the Chicago Skyline Cruise is not the first time I've turned to architecture critic Lee Bey to provide insight and perspective. I checked on Walter Netsch's obituary because I plan to talk about brutalism, of which he was the master — if that is the right word; "victim" might be more apt — and was surprised to see Lee doing yeoman's work  lending a hand here as well. I'm surprised I've not shared it before, it being perhaps the most negative obituary I've ever written, except of course for Morgan Finley, that "monument to corruption." 

     Walter Netsch, a controversial Chicago architect whose work was both praised and reviled, as well as a former Chicago Park District board president, died at his home Sunday. He was 88.
     Mr. Netsch specialized in academic structures and designed several significant buildings on Chicago area campuses. He created the tri-towered concrete library at Northwestern University and much of the University of Illinois at Chicago campus.
     An early building that established his national reputation was the soaring U.S. Air Force Academy Chapel at Colorado Springs, which was initially criticized but eventually became an admired tourist attraction.
     His UIC campus, on the other hand, was described as "physically repellent" by university officials who ordered a face-lift when they discovered that prospective students were shunning UIC after visiting the campus because they found its buildings intolerably ugly.
     Prominent Chicago architect Stanley Tigerman once said of Mr. Netsch: ''His buildings create wonderment, in the best and worst sense of the word.''
     In 1986, Mr. Netsch was appointed Park District board president by Mayor Harold Washington. He left the board in 1988 after a stormy tenure, but he is credited with helping to distribute district projects more equitably, focusing attention on poorer areas that had been neglected previously.
     As influential as he was, Mr. Netsch's ideas were often ignored, perhaps justly so. He once suggested closing the two center lanes of Lake Shore Drive and converting them into flower beds.
     Mr. Netsch spent 30 years with Skidmore, Owings & Merrill, the giant Chicago-based architecture firm. A heart condition in 1979 forced him to retire, and he was plagued by medical problems in his later years.
     He was married for 45 years to former Illinois Comptroller Dawn Clark Netsch, who ran for governor in 1994. The two met when the then-Dawn Clark asked to borrow Netsch's art-crammed Lake Shore Drive penthouse apartment for a meeting of independent Democrats in the late 1950s.
     They wed in 1963 without telling friends beforehand. Judge Julius J. Hoffman performed the ceremony in his chambers. Mrs. Netsch had been a law clerk for Hoffman, who would later go on to gain national notoriety by presiding over the Chicago Seven conspiracy trial.
     Mr. Netsch was supportive of his wife's political ambitions, kicking in nearly $1 million of his fortune -- including the sale of an original Frank Lloyd Wright window for $265,000 -- to help finance her failed gubernatorial campaign.
     Walter A. Netsch Jr. was born Feb. 23, 1920, on 62nd Street on the city's South Side. His father was a meat-packing executive from New Hampshire. His mother was a blue blood from a Yankee family that had owned the first car in New Hampshire, and throughout his life the tall, thin Mr. Netsch displayed a certain patrician air.
     Growing up on the South Side, Mr. Netsch said he felt like an outsider. He was unathletic, artistic, frail and highly intelligent. He went to the opera and took drawing classes. He made cardboard houses for his sister.
     "I was a little scrawny kid, so you flaunt what you have," he once said. "But to show intellectual ability -- at that age that's usually considered an aggressive act."
     He studied architecture at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. During World War II, he was stationed on the Aleutian Islands.
     After an apprenticeship with a Kenilworth firm, he went to work for SOM, where he maintained his outsider ways, pursuing his own rigorous esthetic system -- called Field Theory -- a concept of design that employs the repetitive use of geometric shapes according to specific mathematical principles to create complicated crystalline structures. Like Mr. Netsch himself, these buildings were bold, highly abstract and full of contrasts.
     "He saw that UIC could bridge the Eisenhower Expressway, and designed a north side of the campus, [and a] proposed performing art center that was a cluster of hexagram shapes," said Lee Bey, executive director of the Chicago Central Area Committee, and formerly Mayor Daley's deputy chief of staff for architecture and urban design. "[Netsch did] really good architecture that presages the kind of anti-box forms we see today."
     Examples of Mr. Netsch's work include the mazelike Behavioral Science Center at the University of Illinois at Chicago, the Regenstein Library at the University of Chicago, the Miami University Art Museum, and the architect's own Chicago home on North Hudson, whose design inspired the home in the film "Torn Between Two Lovers."
     Bey also said that Mr. Netsch had the vision behind the elegant Inland Steel Building at 30 W. Monroe.
     "Bruce Graham gets the credit because he finished it," said Bey. "As contemporary as it looks now, Walter's earlier version was even lighter, even glassier, even finer."
     Not all critics take such a complimentary view. New York architect Robert A. Stern dismissed some of Mr. Netsch's work as "a landscape of the moon" and "twisted and brutal."
     Even his most famous building had its share of controversy. When unveiled in 1962, the U.S. Air Force Chapel was so hated that Congress held hearings on the matter.
     Mr. Netsch's work at UIC was even more harshly condemned. One critic dubbed it "impersonal concrete brutalism," and part of it suffered that worst fate an architect can face: it was torn down in Mr. Netsch's lifetime.
     In Mr. Netsch's defense, money concerns forced the university to scale back on his plans.
     "The one thing to keep in mind with UIC is it really wasn't built exactly to his design," said Bey. "There was a landscape plan and a lighting plan in his original design, designed to humanize the campus, but they were never completed due to budget problems, so it came off being a cheaper, paler version of what he designed."
     Mr. Netsch never took responsibility for the unpopular campus, pointing a finger at poor maintenance and bad publicity.
     "I did not make a mistake," he said of his original plans. "I will not take the blame." When the architect redoing the campus asked Mr. Netsch to consult with him over the redesign, he refused.
     Mr. Netsch viewed opposition to his work as short-sighted philistinism and felt that his buildings would be vindicated by history.
     "I feel I've introduced something that will be more accepted tomorrow than it is today," he once said.
     His widow said Mr. Netsch was "designing conceptually what cities should look like in the year 2020."
     "He broke out of the box," Dawn Clark Netsch said. "He has left a lot of what was inside of him for others to look at and contemplate, and hopefully also to look at new ways of looking at not only the environment but the world."

       —Originally published in the Sun-Times, June 17, 2008 

Post-wedding pancakes at iconic Chicago diner

     Nick Snow and Roxane Briones found each other on Hinge, the online dating site. Each liked what they saw, and decided to meet in person at Avec, the Mediterranean mainstay.
     But there are two Avecs. He went to the one in the West Loop. She went to River North.
     "I forgot he is new to the city," said Briones, who suggested the restaurant. "He went to the wrong one. I panicked."
     "I walked into the place, looking to meet, and there's no one there," said Snow.
     A phone call was made, an Uber grabbed, and the couple got together. Magic ensued.
     "We hit it off very quick," said Snow. "We joke, after our first date, we felt like we were dating a month. After a week, we felt it was a couple months. Now it feels like we've been together for years."
     Briones, 31, is a cook at Proxi, the coastal Asian place in the West Loop. Snow, 40, is a filmmaker who spent almost 20 years in Brooklyn before moving here last October.
     "It was time for a change," said Snow, who noted that Brooklyn was getting very expensive. "Try a new city for a little bit.''
     Briones had a bit of a head start, coming here from Michigan.
     "I came to Chicago almost three years ago," she said. "I was drawn to the restaurants, and the people that I admire work here. I just packed my bags and took a train. I didn't know anyone. Had to rent an apartment in Pilsen with two random girls, who turned into my best friends."
     The relationship, begun in misunderstanding, deepened by accident. Literally.
     "In February I was trying to teach her how to snowboard," said Snow. "She had never done that, coming from Nicaragua. I took her to the tiniest little hill in Naperville. I'm thinking, 'She's going to be fine. There's no way she can get hurt here.' She was doing pretty good, she was picking it up, and just fell forward, tried to catch herself and broke her wrist."
     "In two places," Briones added.
     Bad for a cook who spends her days chopping and stirring.
     "Her whole livelihood," said Snow. "She ended up living with me while she was recovering for two months. In a weird way, that really helped us. It launched us into this position where we were together every day and fire-tested the relationship. We hadn't been dating too long. Suddenly we're living together and together all the time. I'm caring for her. It feels so right. It didn't feel like a burden. That was a special sign."

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Rossmönster Baja Deluxe

     Like all small boys, I have an affection for trucks. 

     From when I was very small, and would carry a red rubber fire truck with yellow wheels in my hand at all times, as a general comfort object and ready distraction, something that could be rolled back and forth on any flat surface when an idle moment presented itself.
    To now, when I'll admire a shiny Mac the Bulldog hood ornament on a Mac truck, or the twin chrome exhaust stacks on a Peterbilt, or the man-size tires on an earth mover.
    We were pulling into the Stanley Hotel for lunch after an extraordinarily satisfying morning at Rocky Mountain National Park — Monday's column discussed that. My brother, who always knows what to do next, said that Guy Fieri has a place there, The Post Chicken & Beer, that we must try. I wasn't about to argue.
    That's where I saw it, passing through the parking lot gate ahead of us — you have to pay $10 to park at the Stanley. Their way, I suppose, of trying to both reduce and monetize curious Stephen King fans who want to rubberneck the locale of "The Shining." Taking your $10, they soften the blow by giving you a token good for $5 off your tab at The Post.

     At first I noticed the vehicle itself. How could you not? Just look at the thing. A brawny slab of custom gunmetal gray, with fog lights and rugged bull bars in front. Then I saw the name: "Rossmönster." My older son's name is Ross, and I tucked the term away for future reference, to give as a gift to my daughter-in-law. Not that he is in any way monstrous. Some guys are. Still, the word still might come in handy as a term of chiding affection. "Less Rossmönster, honey, more yes-dear-right-away..."

Chicken, biscuit and waffles.

     Lunch was everything advertised. I'm not really a fried chicken guy. But they did have a pork chop in burnt orange sauce that called my name. I have to admit, I felt a shiver of order-regret when I saw my brother's plate piled with grub. Two waffles and a biscuit. But he generously traded me a leg and a waffle for a hunk of chop, and neither of us left hungry. 

     First-rate food, and the bartender Joel — we ate at the bar — was friendly and efficient. Plus extra points for a new NA beer, Grüvi Golden Era (also with an umlat. What is happening to us? Are we all Scandinavians now? Or is this more of the synchronicity discussed here Tuesday?)
    Back in Boulder, I lost myself in the Rossmönster web site, watching videos about the truck I saw, the Baja Deluxe, a $444,611 custom camper built on a 5500 Ram pickup. 

     Seeing the vehicle, with its solar panels, front winch and Starlink, I initially assumed it was some kind of rolling armageddon bunker. But the marketing seems designed, less toward survivalists, than for those who want to blast across Joshua Tree in the most comfortable tent ever. The company was founded in Boulder in 2010, and the trucks are built there, which is cool. Rossmönster presents dog-friendliness as a core corporate value, including portraits of the shop dogs right after the staff. Hard not to like folks who do that.

     Co-found Ross Williamson includes a deeply sincere video tribute to his own late dog, Bubs, whose full body profile is the company logo. A well-crafted essay in loss that made my wife cry, at first the video struck me as something that one could possibly scoff at — I felt stirrings when I initially watched it — but then realized, when my own beloved Kitty goes, I will be completely devastated and who knows in what fashion I'll respond? Williamson's reaction — handcraft small boxes for Bubs' ashes to distribute to friends — is certainly unconventional, though the third time I watched the video I thought, "You know ... that's a good idea."

    I'm not in the market for a $444,611 mobile home (not as hideously expensive as it first seems, given that a luxury motorbus can set you back $2 million). But I thought I would toss Rossmönster out into the aether, for two reasons. One, as a reminder that people still build stuff in this country. And two, while public displays of emotion are generally frowned upon, particularly for guys, that rule is suspended when it comes to dogs, and for good reason.

     

What if crowds don't have to spoil the view?

 

Emerald Lake, Rocky Mountain National Park.

     Somewhere just past Bear Lake, the realization hit me.
     My brother wanted to go to Boulder, Colorado. To do the hikes we'd done as kids and eat at the restaurants our mother loved, in what I dubbed our "Farewell Ma Tour."
     I let him pick the trails. He chose wisely, starting along the Boulder River behind our parents' old place — where we'd walk to cool off from the inevitable arguments.
     "On your left!" the cyclists cried as they blasted by. They train them well here.
     Next day, Mount Sanitas: think, a mile on a StairMaster. That afternoon, we took an easy five-mile savannah stroll around the Boulder Reservoir — mostly alone.
     Sunday, another five miles across the grasslands around Eldorado Mountain. Sweeping vistas and black cattle — bovine public employees, basically doing weed maintenance for the city of Boulder.
     For our final day, the idea was to go out with a bang at Rocky Mountain National Park.
     Not so easy anymore. Just showing up and going in is very 2010. You can't do it. The park went to a timed entry system in 2020. All the morning slots were gone. But my brother used his apex predator computer skills to find a secondary cache of available slots for Bear Lake Road.
     People must forget beauty. Because even though I'd been to Rocky Mountain National Park many times, the wonder of the place struck me afresh as we slipped in precisely at our 8 a.m. entry time.
     The parking lot was full. We had to take the shuttle bus. Crowds are considered the bane of national parks. Everybody complains about them, constantly. Me too.
     "Hell is other people," I said, quoting Sartre, as we threaded our way along the trail.
     It is a vigorous 256-foot hike from the trailhead to Bear Lake. You can do it in a wheelchair. Parks are designed this way: Put the best views close to the parking lot. The trail was a continuous stream of humanity.
     It began to dawn on me: Whether the others are a blight or a benefit depends not so much on them, as on me.
     Other folks are usually viewed as an intrusion on precious solitude, a disturbance of the beauty of nature that you've come so far to see. It only takes a little spit to spoil the soup.
     Or ... you could consider them part of that selfsame nature.
     The moms bearing their children literally on their backs, like possums. The dads giving pep talks to their tired, balky offspring — I tossed them nods of solidarity. The families, sullen teens, their faces set in "I'm not enjoying this, you can't make me" defiance. The world in hiking boots: Indian college students, Mexican families, prim Japanese couples kitted out in their pricey Mont-Bell gear.

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Flashback 2006: Defeat of flag-burning ban a victory for freedom

     We couldn't stop by the Round the Clock Family Restaurant on our quick weekend trip to Ohio — two dogs in the car. But we certainly thought about it, for reasons this column makes clear.

OPENING SHOT

     With the Fourth of July a few days off, American flags have sprouted along parade routes and downtown streets. If the colors seem not quite as bright this year, the reds a little duller, the blues less true, you might be feeling the chill of the close victory that our flag, and the freedom it represents, eked out in the Senate last week, as the bill that would have allowed the banning of flag burning went down 66-34.
     One vote would have swung it the other way.
     Too close for comfort. Though no more frightening than a dozen other ways American ideals have been carelessly compromised in the name of expediency by this administration.
     Why do those who clearly doubt the ability of this country to thrive while adhering to long-established principles always insist they are the most patriotic? Perhaps because they know, deep down, they are committing an act of betrayal. That the flag is most glorious when respected — or not respected — out of free will. That this country is strongest when its laws are respected, even by those in power.

DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR!

     We left early — 7 a.m. A long weekend road trip to Cleveland. The idea was to slip out of town before rush hour and grab breakfast in the wilds of Indiana.
     About 9 a.m., a sign suggested "McDonald's," and while I normally avoid the place, the boys had been so good, why not give them a treat?
     "Who wants breakfast at McDonald's?" I enthused, bracing for shouts of glee from the back seat.
     "McDonald's makes me nauseous,'' groaned the 9-year-old.
     Not quite the "Oh boy gee whiz thanks!" I had expected.
     "You're right," I said. "McDonald's makes me nauseous, too."
     So we pulled off at LaPorte to explore. There, in the midst of five chain links — McDonald's, KFC, Subway, Taco Bell, A&W Root Beer — was one hand-painted sign: Round The Clock Family Restaurant.
     Rule No. 1 for road trips: Always choose the local place; they survive for a reason.
     We were rewarded with an experience that entered family lore, from the chatty, "Where are you folks from?" waitress to the sizzling hot pork chops (yes, I know).
     The tables sported paper placemats where local businesses advertised — Tom's Landscaping and Hugo A. Bamberth, attorney at law, and the LaPorte County Public Library. The bathrooms could be grafted on to the new El Trendo restaurant in Lincoln Park and not seem out of place: retro tile floors, slate green walls, a stainless steel sink. Immaculate. That really impressed me because most restaurant bathrooms look like the floor of the Cook County medical examiner's autopsy room after a plane crash.
     We liked the restaurant so much we decided, on the return trip home, to delay lunch two hours so we could eat there again. Qualifying us for the Early Bird Special, meaning that my BBQ ribs, mashed potatoes (don't say it — I was on vacation) and Rosa Maria soup cost $5.09.
     "This is the best restaurant!" said the 9-year-old.
     "Maybe this could be a tradition," suggested his brother.
     Maybe.

SAME LOCATION FOR 32 YEARS . . .

     "I'm a family practitioner, like your family doctor," said Hugo A. Bamberth, the lawyer on the restaurant placemat. "I do adoption to zoning — A to Z. There are always things you choose not to do  — drug cases, child molesters, things like that."
     Some lawyers take pride in the gigantic settlements they've won or the appearances before the U.S. Supreme Court they've made. Bamberth is not one of those.
     "I'm unusual in that I have been in the same address and same phone number for 32 years," he said. "I feign a yawn when I talk about my exciting legal career. To some, I suppose it has been boring. For me it has been very steady."
     I've spoken to a lot of lawyers in my day, and they tend to be circumspect — they won't tell you their favorite flavor of ice cream without considering the matter from every angle, and sometimes not even then. Bamberth isn't like that. I asked him if he gets much business from the place mats.
     "I do," he said. "Because we have Hudson Lake, Fish Lake, Pine Lake, Stone Lake, we have a lot of Chicago weekend folks that have cabins or fishing cottages or whatever and come down here regularly on weekends in the nice weather. One weekend, two of your Chicago firemen had a little too much to drink and got arrested — my recollection is they ran off the road. Nobody got hurt, but they really didn't need that. They gave me a call, and I represented them in those matters."
     Bamberth was in no hurry whatsoever, and we spoke at length in pleasant fashion. He said that LaPorte was a wonderful place to raise his two daughters — Kristen Ulery, now an assistant principal at Gemini Middle School in Niles, and Wendy Bamberth, a fifth-grade teacher in Bensenville.
     "It's just a nice small town," he said.

SPEAKING OF SMALL TOWNS

     We went to Cleveland for my parents' 50th anniversary. Hoping to add interest for the boys, I tacked on an Indians game at Jacobs Field and a day at Cedar Point, the amusement park, where I discovered that one of the joys of roller coasters is that it is impossible to be detached while riding one. Nothing eliminates critical distance or banishes cynicism like being fired at 120 m.p.h. into a 400-foot hill, as we were in the Top Thrill Dragster.
     I almost pointed out to the boys that roller coasters are a good metaphor for life in general — long spans of boredom endured for a few moments of pleasure. But I figured, they'll find out soon enough.

TODAY'S CHUCKLE

     Before he rang off to see to a client, Bamberth told this joke:
     During the first Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf is walking in the Iraqi desert.
     He kicks something in the sand, bends down, and discovers it is a brass lamp, which of course he rubs. Out pops a genie.
     "I can grant you any wish you like," says the genie.
     Schwarzkopf removes a map of the Middle East from his back pocket.
     "I'd like everlasting peace throughout this region," says the general.
     "You've picked the one thing that even I cannot do," confesses the genie, with a sigh. "Could you pick a second choice?"
     "Well . . . ," says the general. "It would be nice if the Cubs could finally win a World Series."
     The genie looks stricken.
     "On second thought," he says, "let me see that map again."
                             —Originally published in the Sun-Times, July 2, 2006

Round The Clock Family Restaurant did indeed become a Steinberg family tradition. From 2023.

Flashback 1993: Hair-Raising Feats Give Pilot a Break - Biplane's Antics Far From 727 Grind

   

     The Chicago Air and Water Show is back. Thirty-two years ago I talked with stunt pilot Susan Dacy who, yes, will be barnstorming this weekend in her Super Stearman 'Big Red." 

     So what is the difference between piloting an open biplane that goes 100 miles an hour and can do barrel rolls and outside loops, and a Boeing 727 that goes 500 miles an hour and, ideally, never does any rolls or loops at all?
     First, with a biplane, every day is a bad-hair day.
     "It's a write-off when I wear my helmet," says Susan Dacy, who pilots both a 727, in her day job as a pilot for American Airlines, and a Great Lakes biplane, which she flies acrobatically at air shows such as the one in Chicago this weekend.
     This is Dacy's third year flying at air shows, which she does in the summer as a break from flying the big airliners.
     The two types of planes really couldn't be more different. Dacy's Great Lakes biplane - a replica built in the 1970s and based on classic barnstorming planes — burns 10 gallons of gasoline an hour. The 727 burns 9,000 pounds of gas an hour, or about 1,280 gallons.
     As terse and no-nonsense as airline pilots are supposed to be, Dacy, 35, is not one to ramble on and on about the joys of flying and the lures that drew a girl from Harvard, Ill., to become one of the country's still-rare female pilots.
      "There are getting to be a few more pilots out there, and people are starting to notice," said Dacy, checking out her biplane at Meigs Field before the start of the shows, which end Sunday..
     But then, in her case, the reason for her career choice is obvious: she grew up on an airport — the private airport at Harvard, owned by her parents. If she ever wanted to do anything else but fly, she can't remember it.
     By age 16 she had soloed in a Piper Cub, and by 18 she had rebuilt a Stearman biplane from the ground up.
     She received an aviation degree from Southern Illinois University along with an Airframe & Powerplant Mechanics license. Since then, she has logged nearly 13,000 flight hours — more than 540 solid days in the air — and flown more than 60 different types of airplanes. She says she loves to perform at air shows.
      "The most exciting thing is seeing the crowds, getting a positive response from them," she said. "Dealing with the kids is a lot of fun. Really fun to see the excitement."
     Dacy sees herself as a good role model for children.
     "I want to portray a positive image and basically get across to anyone that no matter what you want to do, if you try hard enough, you can pursue it," she said.
                — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Aug. 23, 1993

     One odd aspect of this piece is that while reporting it, I flew with Susan Dacy. We did barrel rolls and loop-de-loops over the lake. Yet I wasn't a columnist, and none of that entered into my story about her, which was either supreme self-control on my part, or lamentable negligence.

Flashback 2008: Russia too big to ignore — Best beware as world's largest nation turns away from democracy

     Vladimir Putin, the Butcher of Moscow, popped across the Bering Strait to ruff the hair of his lapdog, Donald Trump, who talked big, as always, prior to the meeting, but can be relied upon to give up the ranch when actually in the presence of his master.
    Wondering what I've written about Putin over the past, I noticed this warning to readers against ignoring Russia just because they've descended into chaos. But ignore them we did, and now they own us. Or, more precisely, our president. This is back when the column filled a page, and I've kept in the original subheads.

OPENING SHOT ...

     Quick geography quiz: What is the largest country on earth? In land area, I mean. Think hard. Imagine the "Jeopardy!" music playing. . . .
     Give up? Of course you do. Nobody knows these things anymore. It's Russia -- even after the breakup of the Soviet Union and the loss of various republics, it's still enormous, the largest nation on earth, almost as big as the United States and China combined.
     So why is it that Americans are utterly indifferent to Russia -- except, I suppose, for the growing number who actually hail from there? We don't care that Russia, having briefly flirted with democracy, is steadily sliding back toward Stalinesque dictatorship, first under former KGB man Vladimir Putin and now with his cipher puppet replacement, president Dmitry Medvedev.
     Maybe we're indifferent because we spent such a long time terrified of Soviet nukes and felt such relief now that the threat is gone (at least the direct threat. The real possibility of those weapons being passed on to third parties remains, too dire to contemplate, apparently).
     Maybe we don't care because Russia is so economically crippled (Have you ever purchased a product made in Russia? A product more complex than vodka, I mean). We don't feel threatened the way we do by China or India. We're glad the place has become one knot of organized crime funneling the nation's wealth to kleptocrats.
     That's too bad. Because -- as the Islamic world has shown us -- it's the places that we allow to fall off our radar that come back when we least expect them to bite us in the ass.

A HOMEMADE SPOON IN HIS BOOT

     Alexander Solzhenitsyn died last Sunday, and his passing made me want to re-read his work, which I hadn't looked at since I was in high school. But I was busy, and Solzhenitsyn is not a ball of fun, so I let a few days slip by before heading over to the Northbrook Public Library.
     At that point I almost didn't bother, because I figured my fellow citizens, moved by the same impulse and not dallying, would have by then stripped the shelves clean of the great Nobel Prize winner's work.
     Naive. One copy of The Gulag Archipelago was checked out, but Cancer Ward, August 1914 and a dozen others were on the shelves. I grabbed One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, an early, accessible work, and loped on home to read it.
     It was as I remembered, a bleak, heartbreaking tale of life in the Russian labor camps, where Solzhenitsyn, then a soldier, was sent in 1945 for making a joke about Stalin in a letter home. It tells the story of an average day, after eight years in captivity, of Shuhkov, the nickname for Ivan Denisovich (like any Russian novel, each character has several names, just to make it more confusing). It is 16 below zero, and most of the day is spent bricklaying.
     The book is a quick read that any literate person can polish off in four hours and should, as a reminder of the 2 million -- or 5 million, or 15 million, nobody really knows -- Soviets who died during the 75 years of Communist misrule.
     Thinking about the regime's institutionalized crimes — and those of Communist China, Nazi Germany and all the other oppressive systems — clicked a tumbler into place and helped me understand why I bristle, slightly, whenever somebody gripes about America's crimes, from Guantanamo Bay to the World War II internment of Japanese American citizens to the Palmer Raids. It isn't that these things aren't stains on our history. But compared with the horrors inflicted on millions elsewhere, they're causes of pride in their isolated quality and limited scope.

ON SECOND THOUGHT . . .

     Or am I giving the United States too much of a break? After I wrote the above, I noticed I had omitted slavery and the extermination of the Indians, which though lodged in the remote of the 19th century, were also large-scale horrors. Is this evidence of the screening quality people use to ignore facts that undermine their permanent opinions? It's easy to see in others; not so easy to see in yourself.

SAUNA! FREEZER! SAUNA! FREEZER!

     Is the Thompson Center too hot or too cold? I raised the issue Friday, figuring I would hear from occupants. I did, and the answer is, "Yes."
     "I work there," wrote a friend. "It's a friggin' meatlocker."
     "It's kinda toasty," said a 20-year state employee, who naturally didn't want his name used. "In the summer it's like a greenhouse."
     "I spent two years in the office of communication," writes a reader, whose name I shall shield. "Perhaps it was the chill of thought control from the propagandists in the Gov's office on the 16th floor, but many of our offices were freezing several stories below. I wore heavy warm sweaters during the summer months. But other offices were sweltering, particularly where the sun shone."
     The rumor is that it was inferior glass that caused the initial problems.
     "The design was right, but when the Thompson Center was first built, we had such massive cost overruns, they changed the glass specs," said the long-time employee. "It was supposed to be heavy duty glass to account for the greenhouse effect, but it was over so much, they didn't use it. They'll never fix it."

TODAY'S CHUCKLE ...

     Generally I avoid sexist jokes — I found myself agreeing with a bumper sticker that read, "I'll be a post-feminist in the post-patriarchy." But this one works too well to ignore, and I think we can get away with it.
     In the Garden of Eden, in that brief, happy period before the Fall, the first man and the God who created him would sometimes converse.
     "Why did you make Woman so beautiful?" Adam asked.
     "So you would love her," God answered.
     He thought about that a while.
     "Then why did you have to make her so dumb?" Adam wondered.
     "So she would love you."
      — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Aug. 10, 2008

The age old question

 

Manipulated image.

      What if it's not about immigration? Not about borders. Or citizenship. Not crime. Or culture.
       It certainly doesn't feel that way.
      What if it's really about creating a faceless para-military force that follows no law, and is accountable to no one, except one man. Maybe it's about building remote internment camps that exist outside of the law, where anything can happen and does. 
     What if immigration enforcement is the dry run? To see what the public will accept. And despite a low level hum of outcry, America seems like it will accept a lot. Will tolerate this state of affairs. Allowing people — immigrants now, supposedly, but who knows who later? — to be plucked off the street, for no particular reason, by masked agents of the government, and delivered to an unknown fate. Disappeared. No record of who they were or where they went. 

      What if it's about putting the United States military into American streets and cities, ready to quell the unrest sure to be sparked by undemocratic and illegal policies?  Waiting for the next imaginary "emergency" to be declared, where temporary emergency measures can be put in place, laws and rights further suspended, only to become permanent realities.
     That feels ... I almost said "right," though it is not right. Not at all. But wrong. Very wrong.  
     What I mean is that feels ... like a more accurate assessment of what is going on right now, right before or eyes. Or, more precisely, right behind our backs. History will wonder how Americans allowed it. That's what history always wonders. Why didn't we do more to stop it, while we still could? Why didn't we see it coming? The age old question.

    Maybe because seeing what's coming is so terrifying. It's easier to pretend it's not happening. Even though it clearly is. 

Next they'll be writing the editorials

     The classic illustration of the Yiddish word chutzpah is the youth who murders his parents and then begs the court for mercy because he is an orphan.
     But now that chestnut has strong competition, with the Trump administration's director of the National Institutes of Health, Jay Bhattacharya, arguing in Tuesday's Washington Post that scrapping mRNA vaccine development is not calamitous groveling before our anti-science ruler, but "a necessary pivot in how we steward public health innovations in vaccines."
      Why? Because despite showing "promise," the mRNA platform "has failed a crucial test: earning public trust."

     And exactly why, we may ask — God knows Bhattacharya never will — has trust in such an established lifesaving technology been reduced to rubble? Oh right, anti-medicine Trump slashing away at scientific research, backstopped by his wack job secretary of health and vaccine removal, RFK Jr.
      Give Bhattacharya credit. He said it with a straight face. That must be hard. 

     Also in Tuesday's Post, former Fox New host and current U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, our old friend, Judge Box o' Wine, Jeanine Pirro, writing about "The Fight to Make D.C. Safe and Beautiful," which seems to involve the lock-'em-up tough guy swagger that represents the entirety of the Trump administration's approach to crime. Or at least toward people of color, and in their mind, to stretch the term, the two are synonymous. 

    Well, that and calling out the National Guard.

    Plus, not to forget — and how quickly we do so — masked policemen plucking people from the street and dispatching them to foreign hellholes without any sort of due process of law.

    Newspapers sometimes hand their greatly-muted microphones to public officials. The Sun-Times would let the mayor — or rather, the mayor's press office — go on about something. But two Trump stooges in one day...

     It's scary to see this pair of lapdogs being given such prime real estate in what was once a legitimate newspaper, and now clearly is slinking toward being some kind of official government house organ, like Pravda. It would almost be funny if it were not so, you know, terrifying and tragic.

Bee expert judges honey

Dushanbe Tea House

      What is the word for when you talk about something and then it occurs? Coincidence? That sounds so technical. Karma? Closer. How about serendipity? That could be it.
       My brother and I were having dinner the Dushanbe Tea House in Boulder Sunday night, on what I'm thinking of our Goodbye Ma Tour of my parents' former home. The goal being to commemorate our mother's passage into the great beyond by going on great Colorado hikes, eating at restaurants she liked, and hanging out together.
      We were recounting things she used to say. 
      "You'll find it when you're not looking for it," is the first snippet my brother served up. Advice that I remember deeply resenting as a child, ripping the house apart, looking for some toy that I wanted now.
      There were a few others: "Call people up. You can't wait for them to call you because they never will." (We are people who like to talk, and, umm, let's say our friends and acquaintances are not queuing up to be on the other end of that phone line, listening to us go on and on).
      The very next morning, I logged into Facebook to check the Memories — I do that every day, as sometimes it offers up blog posts I want to share, for the benefit of all the readers who are new to the party. Monday provided a solid pair — "We're doomed, but that's no reason to get upset," a funny-yet-dire assessment of global warming from four years ago, and "Trump surges in the polls, again," a grim recognition that, vile as Donald Trump is, "the man will be president," not despite his numerous personal flaws, but because of them. It gives me a certain cold comfort in these grim days, watching through latticed fingers as our democracy is murdered, to realize I did what I could. 
     I was racing toward the bottom of the Memories list, feeling I'd already harvested enough, when there it was. A photo I'd been searching for the other day. I was writing about honey, and remembered a shot I'd taken at the Illinois State Fair in 2012. Platforms weren't quite as synched a dozen years ago, and I was down in Springfield. I popped it up on Facebook, but it somehow never found its way into my photos. 
     I'd really liked that picture — the lighting — and it bothered me that it had blown away in the data whirlwind. Now I found it, when I wasn't looking for it, labeled "Bee expert judges honey." I probably have his name in a notebook somewhere. I might find it, or, more likely, it might be gone forever. That happens to everything, eventually. 

Flashback 2006: Da Bears Redux

     The Bears and the Dolphins tied on Sunday? 24-24 at their pre-season opener at Soldier Field? Is that possible? What happened to overtime? Is it because it's a pre-season game, and thus doesn't really matter? Overtime would just be a waste — as it is, the best players don't bother playing.

      But I can't be sure. I am not a Bears fan. Or a football fan. Though sometimes I do try to fake it, just trying to momentarily fit in. That never works.

     At first I tried deception.
     "Did you watch the Bears game?" I said, as if I had, to Charlie, the fireman who runs a coffee shop at the train station in the old leafy suburban paradise.
     "Unbelievable," said the guy in line behind me, as Charlie launched into an elaborate celebration of the offense, or the defense, or the passing game, or some such football-related thing, with such open-faced enthusiasm and sincere gusto that I was shamed into telling the truth.

     "Actually, I didn't watch it," I mumbled, accepting my Sun-Times and my coffee. "Never considered watching it."
     Sports are the universal adhesive, the commonality we all agree upon. All day Tuesday I found myself passing through pockets of shared delight, like a blind man tapping my way through a circus. Records broken, Olympian Heights scaled, the Bears, down 20 to nothing at halftime, rallying to win 24 to 23, to preserve their unbeaten record, a staggering 6 and 0. Bears, Bears, Bears.
     "Didja watch the game!" a fellow reporter called to me across the newsroom.
     "Umm . . . no," I whispered. His face fell.
      "Aren't you a Bears fan?" he asked, in a tone of focused concern, the way you'd ask a child found lost and crying in the street, "Where's your mommy?"
     "No," I said.
     He must have thought I didn't understand the question.
     "Aren't you a sports fan?"
     "No," I said. "To me, sports are the same thing happening over and over again."
     "Oh," he said, wandering off, his mouth doing an odd grimace, as if trying to dislodge something caught between his teeth with his tongue.
      I hate doing that to people. But what choice have I? False enthusiasm? It's a little late. And I couldn't pull it off anyway. "Those Bears fellows sure are thriving!" They'd stone me.
     The Bears are going to keep winning. I know it. They'll go to the Super Bowl, sucking all the air out of the city for the next three months. Chicago will be one unified city, young and old, rich and poor, black and white and yellow and brown, all united in one giddy, hugging shouting mass of commonality. Bears Bears Bears Bears.
      Except for me and, perhaps, you, and a handful of other weirdos and oddballs. I thought it necessary to set out this space for us as a Bears-free zone (if the mayor can have his security bubbles, I can have mine). God knows you'll get enough Bears everywhere else you look.
      — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Oct. 18, 2006

Donald Trump is an evil man and his idiocy gets good people killed

"Boy and Dog in a Johnnypump," by Jean-Michel Basquiat 

     No one will ever know how many deaths can be directly attributed to Donald Trump.
     Hundreds of thousands perished of COVID needlessly because of his footdragging and minimizing the illness (and yes, he pushed for a vaccine, trying to make up for lost time, which was good. But then he went undercut his own vaccine, blunting its effect).

     Plus tens of thousands of deaths in Gaza from the wrong that his buddy, Benjamin Netanyahu, caused by prolonging the war for his own political benefit. Plus more in Ukraine from his pivoting American policy toward his other pal, the butcher Vladimir Putin.
      Deaths caused by brutal ICE arrests and deportations, of people kept in horrid conditions, in the United States and abroad, truths that may not become known for years, if ever.
      Not to forget the deaths due to making a crazed science denier named Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as the secretary of health and human services, an almost perversely destructive act.  Pulling the plug on research. Undermining vaccines. When measles begins scything through babies, I wonder if Trump fans will notice? Probably not.
     I'm sure there are more I'm forgetting. Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments.
     Because right now I am thinking, hard, about Off. David Rose, of the DeKalb County, Georgia police department. Killed Friday. Not familiar? No reason you should be. There is so much going on, so much news to process. Things get missed. 

     Off. Rose was slain by Patrick Joseph White, who opened fire on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta from the second floor of a CVS across the street. He was found shot dead, along with five long guns — because one just wouldn't be enough.  

     The new barely made a ripple. To me, it seems a big deal.

     The New York Times story about the crime didn't name Off. Rose until the 14th paragraph. An odd news choice. He was 33,  an ex-Marine, who had two children, a 1-year-old son and 6-year-old from a previous relationship, with a third on the way with his wife.

     I suppose you could add White's name to the count. He was fixated on the coronavirus vaccine, blaming it for his own medical woes. So a murderer, but a victim, too, of the poison spewed by Fox News. At the behest of Donald Trump. Another life snuffed out. With more to come. Will we keep tab? The way the Washington Post tallied his lies, for years, until it realized that nobody actually gave a fuck. Not true. Some people do still care. For all the good it does.

    That's it. No pithy summary or straining toward hope. I just thought Off. Rose's death should not go unnoticed here. We may never miss him. But his kids certainly will. 

Flashback 1998: Day at the beach is no day at the beach

     Are you having a good summer? Me too. Outdoor concerts, picnics, travel, hiking. One thing I'm not doing, because I never do it, is go to the beach. The reason is ... well, once I took a crack at trying to explain why. 

     I have not gone to the beach this summer. Nor last summer. Nor the summer before that. Or before that. Didn't go in 1994. Or the previous summer. Or in 1992. Summer of '91? Nope.
     In fact, I haven't gone to the beach at all in the entire decade of the 1990s, though I live a brief stroll away from a rather popular one.
     Not only have I never gone to the beach; I never considered going to the beach. Why would I? The beach is a crowded desert ending abruptly in a flood.
     First, think of sand. Sand is an awful substance. Sand is used to make glass. In a sense, a beach is just an expanse of crushed glass. Sand sure feels that way, in your shoes.
     And sand gets everywhere. Try this experiment. Take a teaspoon of sand and put it in one of those double-seal plastic sandwich bags. Then put the bag in a coffee can and wrap tape around the lid. Place the coffee can in the basement. Now go run your hand over your sheets — sandy, right? That's how sand is.
     Second, people. Lots of people, spread out everywhere. Nearly naked people. Nearly naked, fabulously unattractive people who, in their public state of undress, are a profound, silent argument for the importance of clothing.
     Finally, there's water. Lake Michigan is frigid slush except for about an hour on the last day in August. I went in once, one July day, long ago. It was like jumping into liquid nitrogen.
      Despite all these strong feelings, I was prepared to go to the beach, as an experiment, influenced by reading Lena Lencek and Gideon Bosker's new book, The Beach: The History of Paradise on Earth.
      While of course disagreeing with their premise that the beach is important, historically, I found enough fun trivia to reward my chewing through the book's dense thicket of academic babble. (And boy, is it thick. For instance, the idea "going to the beach" is rendered, I kid you not, as "the inspirational pilgrimage to the ephemeral boundary of land and sea.")
      Where else could one learn that, in the summer of 1936, the country agonized over whether men should be allowed to go topless on public beaches.
     "No gorillas on our beaches," Atlantic City declared, banning topless bathing. Cleveland passed an ordinance requiring that men's bathing trunks cover the navel. Galveston went further, legislating tops for men's suits.
     The authors trace the lure of the beach back to Greek times and, swept up in the history of it, I resolved to head to the beach and see if, perhaps, I had been neglecting it unfairly.
     "Don't expect me tomorrow," I told the city desk, breezing out the door Monday evening. "I'll be at the beach."
     That night, I cataloged everything I would need. Pail and shovel, of course, for digging. Sun block. A cooler of some sort. Drinks and snacks. A towel. A thick beach book. (Having finished The Beach, I thought I'd bring along my current project, A History of Private Life from Pagan Rome to Byzantium. Talk about interesting trivia. Did you know that the Roman emperor Justinian created a scandal by marrying a stripper, Theodora, famous in Constantinople for her act involving geese peckinggrain from, well, a place where geese do not normally peck grain?)
      Everything was ready. It was a ton of stuff to schlep — my wife suggested taking a wagon — but, hey, inconvenience is what going to the beach is all about, at least in my mind.
     Then — and those whose long-term memories go back 48 hours may have seen this coming — Tuesday broke, all gray and rainy, and my careful plans were abandoned. So I stayed home, made progress in A History of Private Life, and happily postponed going to the beach for another year, or another century, or never.
     Just as well.


—Originally published in the Sun-Times, July 9, 1998

Footsteps of Klan march in the nation's capital 100 years ago echo today

Library of Congress

      Shorter is better. As much as I grumble, hitting my 790 word landing to be on page two of the Sun-Times is a good thing. Although I often lose things that are superfluous but fun. Such as the intro to this column. After I wrote it, it was just over a thousand words — 33 percent too long.

     So the first thing I did was lop off the top two paragraphs. I can make my point without the tiger. But I really like the tigers. So I'll retain it here. If time is of the essence, you can go straight to the Sun-Times version, linked at the bottom.

     I savor logical fallacies the way some men collect fine wines. One of my favorite vintages is known as a "category error" —when you allow a set of qualities to convince you that something belongs to one particular group when other, more germane, qualities suggest it really belongs somewhere very different.
     Take Bengal tigers. If I decide, based on their feline nature, soft fur and beautiful appearance to consider them among "animals children should be allowed to play with," I am making a category error. Because other tiger qualities — razor sharp teeth and claws, carnivorous habits, general unpredictability — should really place them in the realm of "animals best confined to story books."
       Consider U.S. history. In his "Restoring Truth and Sanity to American History" executive order, Donald Trump claims that anything reflecting "racist, sexist, oppressive" aspects of the American past is "a distorted narrative" that "fosters a sense of national shame."
     For him maybe. Not to this cowboy.  I consider his executive order a category error. History, even regarding fraught topics, is always fascinating and often useful. The history of our country is a tale of casting off bigotries toward a spectrum of groups, and that hatred returning in new forms. Learning about that doesn't bring shame unless you're rooting for the bad guys. Rather, it fosters a sense of perspective, even relief.
     For instance, Friday is the 100th anniversary of 30,000 or so members of the Ku Klux Klan marching down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, a high-water mark in a decade that saw the post-Civil War hate group reborn and enjoying unprecedented public acceptance. They marched unmasked, as demanded by D.C. ordinance — which also, police decided, forbade anti-Klan groups from gathering, noting "the law strictly forbids any political demonstrations on public property in the nation's capital."
     The Klan, remember, did not fancy itself a political group, but a religious and patriotic organization — hence all the crosses and flags. The Klan made this argument to President Calvin Coolidge, urging him to welcome them, noting that he had spoken before the Holy Name Society, a Catholic group, and therefore "he should be willing to greet an organization of Protestants."
     He wasn't. Coolidge was no racist — he privately despised the Klan, and the year before addressed the commencement at all-Black Howard University. I have a difficult time imagining the current president doing that.
     But Coolidge's response to the 1925 march (there would be others) was not a profile in courage, either. While Klansmen (and women; a third were female) were marching around the Washington Monument, Coolidge was on vacation in Swampscott, Massachusetts. He said nothing, good to his "Silent Cal" nickname. Pressed on the issue, the White House revealed that Coolidge "was not a member of the order and not in sympathy with the aims and purposes."
     The Klan was seen more as a Democratic problem anyway — it was the major issue overshadowing the 1924 Democratic National Convention. Liberals wanted a condemnation of the Klan written in the party platform. But lots of Southerners were Democrats, and they argued that most Blacks voted Republican — in the areas where they were allowed to vote — out of residual loyalty to Abraham Lincoln. The Democrats punted.

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