A Prayer to the God of Bad Illinois Republican Candidates

A spontaneous prayer, uttered, from the heart, upon hearing that Jim Oberweis is considering yet another run at high public office -- this time the U.S. Senate, again.

Heavenly father 

Who sent us Alan Keyes, carpet-bagging from Maryland

Fresh from his appearance in "Borat" 
To gladden our hearts and amaze us 
to the depth of our souls

Who delivered unto us "Internet Powerhouse" Andy Martin

Again and again and again
Moving us to something close to pity

Who doth cause to be Ray Wardingly

Also known as Spanky the Clown

Who ran for mayor four times

And even got on the ballot once

Garnering 2.8 percent of the vote

Lord, who createth the sky, and the sea and

for some mysterious reason

limned these really bad Republican candidates

Who regularly appear in our state

Then linger
Year after year
Election upon election

Smile down upon the king of them all
Jim Oberweis

He of chocolate milk fame

Elected to the state senate last year
Finally, a handful of something
After all that expensive grasping

Only to discover how empty that can be
Must be

Who, bored with governance already

In the classic Peter Fitzgerald fashion

This week fixeth

his eternally-hungry gaze upon Dick Durbin's senate seat.

Despite his five, count 'em, five electoral defeats

For Senate, governor, Congress

"If I believe or am convinced," Oberweis told the Sun-Times

"I will run for the Senate seat."

Strengthen his belief, Almighty One

Convince him, God, convince him utterly

Shield his lack of merit from his eyes

If not from anybody's else's
Yet again

Unleash his spigot of milky campaign cash

For one more tilt at one more windmill.

For one more chance to prove to himself
That he is truly needed.

Do it for your disheartened people of Illinois

Trembling under pension woes, civic and state

These are dark political days

Our hearts are heavy with dysfunction

Though the Republicans sink low in Washington

Let them rise up here. 

In the spirit of Al Salvi, radio host

And Rosette Caldwell Peyton

Send Jim Oberweis helicoptering above us

To warn us, yet again, of the peril crawling northward

As if we had forgotten the first time. 

Let us see him, and be gladdened.

Do it for your fractured press

Growing soggy in the pelting rainstorm

Of social media and economic decline

Warming ourselves with fading memories of Jack Ryan

Visiting sex clubs with his 7 of 9

It would have looked tawdry in fiction

So improbable, yet somehow true
How could we doubt Your power after that?

Return to us our missing milkman

You can do it
You who fanned within Andy McKenna
Sincere gubernatorial hopes
And sent us all those other mopes
Let us smile one last time
Before we blur and vanish ourselves.

Grant us, Lord, the gift of Jim Oberweis

A man with the common touch of Mitt Romney
The lightning wit of George Ryan

A candidate with the energy of Ryan Chlada

Dan Lipinski's straw man opponent

Who forgot to campaign

Give us another Bernie Epton

Before it's too late.

We raise up our voices, imploring, we join

The earnest prayers of Sen. Durbin who

Will be a challenge, even for a real candidate 

Grant him, and us, the gift of Jim Oberweis.

The joy of his candidacy

The certainty of the result

If not for our sake, then for Yours
Since it must get dull at times in Heaven
And even you must appreciate your little jokes.
Deliver Jim Oberweis to our doorsteps
Like a pint of sweet cream
One more time, Lord
One more time
And in return
We shall sing your praises

Thank you God. 

Thank you for the fields
And thank you for the animals of the fields
Thank you for the seasons wheeling around
To return us to this autumnal harvest
As it was, so shall it be again.
The past returneth
The burned field brings forth fresh seedlings
No defeat is ever final
Thank you God
For this unexpected promise of future gladness.
We praise You
And thank you
For the candidacy of Jim Oberweis
Again.
Hallelujah.