Friday, September 27, 2013

A Prayer to the God of Bad Illinois Republican Candidates

A spontaneous prayer, uttered, from the heart, upon hearing that Jim Oberweis is considering yet another run at high public office -- this time the U.S. Senate, again.

Heavenly father 
Who sent us Alan Keyes, carpet-bagging from Maryland
Fresh from his appearance in "Borat" 
To gladden our hearts and amaze us 
to the depth of our souls
Who delivered unto us "Internet Powerhouse" Andy Martin
Again and again and again
Moving us to something close to pity
Who doth cause to be Ray Wardingly
Also known as Spanky the Clown
Who ran for mayor four times
And even got on the ballot once
Garnering 2.8 percent of the vote
Lord, who createth the sky, and the sea and
for some mysterious reason
limned these really bad Republican candidates
Who regularly appear in our state
Then linger
Year after year
Election upon election
Smile down upon the king of them all
Jim Oberweis
He of chocolate milk fame
Elected to the state senate last year
Finally, a handful of something
After all that expensive grasping
Only to discover how empty that can be
Must be
Who, bored with governance already
In the classic Peter Fitzgerald fashion
This week fixeth
his eternally-hungry gaze upon Dick Durbin's senate seat.
Despite his five, count 'em, five electoral defeats
For Senate, governor, Congress
"If I believe or am convinced," Oberweis told the Sun-Times
"I will run for the Senate seat."
Strengthen his belief, Almighty One
Convince him, God, convince him utterly
Shield his lack of merit from his eyes
If not from anybody's else's
Yet again
Unleash his spigot of milky campaign cash
For one more tilt at one more windmill.
For one more chance to prove to himself
That he is truly needed.

Do it for your disheartened people of Illinois
Trembling under pension woes, civic and state
These are dark political days
Our hearts are heavy with dysfunction
Though the Republicans sink low in Washington
Let them rise up here. 
In the spirit of Al Salvi, radio host
And Rosette Caldwell Peyton
Send Jim Oberweis helicoptering above us
To warn us, yet again, of the peril crawling northward
As if we had forgotten the first time. 
Let us see him, and be gladdened.

Do it for your fractured press
Growing soggy in the pelting rainstorm
Of social media and economic decline
Warming ourselves with fading memories of Jack Ryan
Visiting sex clubs with his 7 of 9
It would have looked tawdry in fiction
So improbable, yet somehow true
How could we doubt Your power after that?
Return to us our missing milkman
You can do it
You who fanned within Andy McKenna
Sincere gubernatorial hopes
And sent us all those other mopes
Let us smile one last time
Before we blur and vanish ourselves.

Grant us, Lord, the gift of Jim Oberweis
A man with the common touch of Mitt Romney
The lightning wit of George Ryan
A candidate with the energy of Ryan Chlada
Dan Lipinski's straw man opponent
Who forgot to campaign
Give us another Bernie Epton
Before it's too late.

We raise up our voices, imploring, we join
The earnest prayers of Sen. Durbin who
Will be a challenge, even for a real candidate 
Grant him, and us, the gift of Jim Oberweis.
The joy of his candidacy
The certainty of the result
If not for our sake, then for Yours
Since it must get dull at times in Heaven
And even you must appreciate your little jokes.
Deliver Jim Oberweis to our doorsteps
Like a pint of sweet cream
One more time, Lord
One more time
And in return
We shall sing your praises

Thank you God. 
Thank you for the fields
And thank you for the animals of the fields
Thank you for the seasons wheeling around
To return us to this autumnal harvest
As it was, so shall it be again.
The past returneth
The burned field brings forth fresh seedlings
No defeat is ever final
Thank you God
For this unexpected promise of future gladness.
We praise You
And thank you
For the candidacy of Jim Oberweis


  1. The Republicans are no good, it is true. But the Democrats are no better. They are thieves and corrupt. And they support gun control, such as the evil Governor Quinn who must be defeated at all costs. They also support war and tyranny around the world and raise taxes to support the military.

  2. Nice, the way you worked in the Bernie Epton tagline, it brought a smile to my face.

  3. "So it is written, so it shall be done."

  4. Neil,

    If you are shouting to the heavens about Oberweis getting into the race, then you ought to be THRILLED BEYOND BELIEF that Cruz is leading the pack in the latest poll for 2016 among the GOP.

  5. I am, though frankly he will be a distant memory in a year.

  6. Your Hallelujah at the end made me chuckle. While I can’t picture you saying that prayer, I can definitely picture you writing it!

  7. SO glad to be rid of DINO Dan Lipinski. A "science champion" who doesn't know the difference between a zygote and a baby.


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