Meet my metaphors #4: Smack into the mitt

     Not being a sports guy, I don't use many sports metaphors. It's never fourth and long in my world. I seldom swing for the fences.
     That said, I do have select favorites, as revealed in this 2012 column that artfully dances around something that would never get near the paper today, for a variety of reasons. First, because we have to buy our own phones now. And second, well, you'll see.

     A batter who decides to not swing at a ball lets it smack into the catcher's mitt — I don't have to explain that, right? The beauty of sports metaphors — everybody understands them.
     The original headline was "A smart phone king of the hill." Make sure to notice the game metaphor in the last sentence.

     "Can I turn Neil on?” she asked. I contemplated her ­— blonde, expectant — while weighing my response.
     Sometimes your whole career can teeter on a knife edge. The person to whom she was posing the question — a technician standing by me — said nothing. I gazed at an imaginary spot floating in the air about a foot above my head and to the left, and simply waited.
     “I’m going to let that one smack into the mitt,” I said, taking refuge in sports metaphor. They both looked at me blankly.
     “Sometimes you have to just leave the bat on your shoulder,” I elaborated. Another long pause.
     “Ohhh...” she sad, getting it, or pretending to. “Turn on” — an antiquated phrase that old people use. Shades of “Tune in. Turn on. Drop out.” An inappropriate 1960s drug/sexual reference. All three of us busily turned our attention to the device that she had called by my given name. Its actual name is a Samsung Galaxy S II or, to use the vernacular, a phone.
     Smart phone week at the Sun-Times, and we all trooped up to the 10th floor to meet our new devices — our second selves, apparently. I don’t want to make too big of a deal about this woman calling my phone by my name. Lots of products have been anthropomorphized over the years. Hats, for instance. Freud wrote an essay arguing that hats are symbols for men, a common sentiment a century ago. “Your hat is YOU!” one company advertised.
     We aren’t that direct about our phones, but their impact on the murky nether worlds of the id and the ego are the same. Some of my colleagues received Apple iPhone 4s, the rest of us got Galaxies, and, vain as newspaper columnists tend to be, I instantly focused in on the pecking order aspect — was this an indication of status? Am I “out”? Have I been slighted? Apple of course is the platinum, ne plus ultra electronic device. I could see a sleek white iPhone 4 box with Rick Telander’s name written on it. Of course. The best for the best. The Samsung box, meanwhile, is half yellow with rainbow discs. It looks like something made to contain a cat toy. Was I not Apple-worthy? If my phone is going to be me, shouldn’t it — shouldn’t I — be the best possible? I raised a weak protest ­— could I not just take Rick’s iPhone instead? He doesn’t care. He doesn’t need status from his phone. I do.
     No, no, the tech folk said, obviously used to such pleading. These decisions have been made high above. The Apples are for people ... well ... who need Apples. The Samsungs....
     “Yours is bigger!” the tech guy said brightly, subtly returning to the object-as-a-man motif. Indeed it was but .... well, let’s move on.
     I was booted over to a third tech person, an earnest man in his 20s who had the tech guy outfit right out of Central Casting: blue jeans, plaid shirt, unshaven, newsboy cap. He pointed out the button used to turn the phone on, instructed me how to press that button, then became lost in trying to link to the network.
     I watched. An odd moment — the phone wasn’t even mine yet, but already on the fritz.
     “For the record, I haven’t done anything to it yet!” I announced to the room.
     “Play with it!” he enthused, continuing the metaphor, shooing me out the door. “Try new apps!”
      A few pokes and the apps popped up. Books. Lewis Carroll. “Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next.”
     You and me both, Alice, you and me both.
     An hour later, back in my office, the new phone surprised me by ringing. I took the Galaxy out of my pocket, fumbled to the phone screen, and tapped the green button. And tapped. Yet it didn’t answer. Later, my 14-year-old son — who has had this phone for a year— explained, “You have to SLIDE it.” Oh, of course. Why didn’t anyone tell me that? Seriously. At least tell us how to answer the phone. At lunch, I met my brother.
     “Got a new phone!” I bragged, then told him about the Apple v. Samsung crisis.
     “This is better,” he said, and gestured down to his phone ­— a Galaxy S. Now, I don’t know much about phones, but I know that the S II is better than the plain old S. His has a tiny keyboard that slides out — obviously a technological dead end.
     “The S3 is coming out,” my brother said. “I’m not sure when, but I might get it.” Until then, I have the best, most up-to-datest. I immediately checked to see how long I’ll enjoy the Alpha Dog Samsung. Until June 21. That’s when the new S3 arrives. Two weeks. This technological king of the hill is a losing game.
    — Originally published in the Sun-Times, June 6, 2012

Meet my metaphors #3: World War II

     If I had to point to one history book that completely changed my thinking, the first one to come to mind would be Studs Terkel's "The Good War." Not as a famous as his classics like "Division Street America" or "Working," "The Good War" is a oral history of the Second World War.

      Of course I knew about the war already. Growing up in the '60s, I was brought up on it. My father had been 12 when the war ended, the prime age to absorb all the romantic details of battle without running the risk of getting killed. Though I doubt he was guiding my education, not pressing the tales of men, battle and equipment upon me, so much as I was living in the post-victory air of triumph.
     So I read books like "Air War Against Hitler's Germany" with crippled B-17s fighting off the German Messerschmitts on their way to bomb the ball bearing plant at Schweinfurt. (And the fact that I can unspool that sentence without checking 50 years after reading the source tells you something). On my bedroom door I had, not a rock star poster, but one from the Air & Space Museum called "Know your enemy" show the silhouettes of military aircraft. I knew what a dihedral is (the upward angle of a plane's wings). I not only knew the name of the plane that dropped the atomic bomb, the Enola Gay — everyone knew that — but the island in the Marianas it took off from on its run over Hiroshima, Tinian, and the name of the pilot, Paul Tibbets.

     All of this thanks to "Hear it Now," a boxed set of 45s of Edward R. Murrow's aural history of 1933-1945. I played it so much I had it memorized.
     I start reading "The Good War" and met an amazing crew of pacifists, war resisters, deserters, factory workers — the cream of Terkel's leftie world. And I realize that yes, we won the war, but humanity was then as humanity is now, a broad spectrum of belief. I had bought a story that was somewhere between a fantasy and a lie. We defeated the Nazis — that was good. But it didn't make us saints, before or after.

     Even seeing the truth, or the truth as curated by Studs Terkel,  I was slow to surrender the romantic myth.
     When I wanted to say I was outnumbered, I'd evoke the pair of Navy pilots who raced to a small airfield at Pearl Harbor and took off in two fighters, rising to meet the onslaught. Here I am in 2002 writing about remodeling our decrepit farm house:

     The actual buying of the house wasn't precisely a surprise attack — I mean, we knew what we were signing. But the repercussions certainly were unanticipated, with wave after wave of repairs and set-backs and projects sweeping over us, while we dove behind barrels and tried to get our pathetically inadequate remodeling forces off the ground at Hickham Field.

     Note that, 61 years after the fact, I assume the reader will know what I'm talking about or, more likely, didn't pause to consider they might not. Although, in those pre-Google days, I should point out that George Welch and Kenneth Taylor got their P-40s off the ground at Haleiwa Field, 11 miles away from Hickam, no "h." Their squadron was originally based at Hickam, but had moved to a smaller field, which is why the planes weren't destroyed in the opening attack.
     Ten years later I was still at it, commenting on Chicago's response to a front page pan of my Chicago memoir and two others in the New York Times Book Review, posting this on Facebook:

     There are other examples — in 2019, I began my South American diary this way:

     The solidly-built young man had a full red-beard and was dressed all in black, from his watch cap to his sneakers. His new bags — hip, if luggage can be hip — were also black, as were the clothes and luggage of his friend, who wore a Dutch cap.
     A quip occurred to me.
     "Are you lads on your way to blow up the bridge over the Remagen?" I thought, but did not say. Shutting up is an art form, and mentioning obscure bits of World War II trivia — capturing the Remagen bridge over the Rhine was vital to the Allies forces drive to Berlin in the spring of 1945 — to young strangers is not a practice embraced by those aspiring to be au courant. Okay, hipsters try to look like commandos when they're not aping lumberjacks; deal with it.

     Notice that I felt the need to explain what I was talking about. That is considerate, but leaches the power from a metaphor. If you say, "I was in hell — which is very hot and unpleasant," maybe you need to find another way to describe where you are. I believe it's time to retire all World War II imagery, put it on the shelf along with the Civil War and the Battle of Hastings. A third of millennials can't say who won World War II, and I assume a significant number don't realize the war occurred.  One duty of a writer is to be understood, and while it may be satisfying to deploy a well-worn, well-loved metaphor, if it's met with a puzzled shrug, what have you accomplished? Nothing.

     That said, as with Lord Jim, freeing my mind of the Good War might not be so easy. After I wrote the above, I needed a headline for a column about Ozempic, and my first, immediate thought was, "Praise God and pass the Ozempic."  Another Pearl Harbor reference. Chaplain Howell Forgy, on the USS New Orleans, despite his non-combatant status, encouraged the line of sailors passing ammo to gunners with "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition," which became a 1942 patriotic song by Frank Loesser.

    And yes, when I saw I'd mis-remembered "The Lord" as "God" I did fix it. Though there was no need. Nobody other than myself was ever going to notice.

    Not quite true. The very next day, Facebook memories served up a column from 2018: "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition to Beto O'Rourke," about the need to support Democratic candidates, such as the guy who for a moment seemed like he'd defeat Sen. Ted Cruz in Texas. Well, that's one headline trope I'm never using again. I hope.

     

Meet my metaphors #2: Richard Scarry

  

    I'm on vacation for the next few weeks. To give you SOMETHING to read, I've prepared a self-indulgent look at some of my favorite metaphors. Feel free to add your own in comments, such as "Neil's foray into butter-churning made me feel sad that, with so much momentous news going on, he'd decided to turn his back on the news and wander off into the fading past."

   The Boston Marathon Bombing occurred on gorgeous spring day in 2013. Before news of the awful crime hit me, I was strolling happily around the leafy suburban paradise of my hometown, Northbrook, taking in the splendid weather and nature reborn.

     In the solemn-though-resolute column that appeared two days later in the Sun-Times, I tried to convey the sense of comfort of that stroll, the sense of security that such terrorist attacks are intended to shatter: 

     Pedestrians smiled at the cute dog, a little girl on a scooter cast a longing look. We paused to let Janet, the always-friendly crossing guard, pet her. If you gave the people kitten faces and piglet tails, it could have been a page from a Richard Scarry children’s book.

     Perhaps that's asking a lot of the average reader. If I say my basement is the setting of a Stephen King short story, there's a good chance most people will at least have some idea what I'm talking about when I deployed that metaphor. 

     Then again, I should probably define my terms. A metaphor uses an image to explain something — my daily walk is a spread in a Richard Scarry book. As opposed to a simile, which uses "like" or "as" — my routine is like a Bear's in a Richard Scarry book.

     That said, who is Richard Scarry? Not an obscure reference, surely — the man illustrated 150 books, selling 100 million copies. But not a household name either. Chris Ware, the genius cartoonist whose work has settled into art — think of him as this generation's Saul Steinberg, to employ another metaphor — wrote a tribute to Scarry last year in the Yale Review. He describes the "big blue, green, and red shiny square of Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever" this way:

     The largish (even just plain large if you were smallish when holding it) book offered a visual index of the everyday puzzle pieces of life in humble, colored-in line drawings. Each page was a fresh, funny composition of some new angle on the world, making the book a sort of quotidian picture-map containing everything imaginable and unimaginable a kid might be curious about: where and how people lived, slept, ate, played, and worked.
     The thing is, “people” weren’t anywhere to be seen in Best Word Book Ever. Instead, the whole world was populated by animals: rabbits, bears, pigs, cats, foxes, dogs, raccoons, lions, mice, and more. Somehow, though, that made the book’s view of life feel more real and more welcoming. A dollhouse-like cutaway view of a rabbit family in their house getting ready for their day didn’t seem to just picture the things themselves — they were the things themselves, exuding a grounded warmth that said, “Yes, everywhere we live in houses and cook together and get dressed, just like you.”  

     "Didn't seem to picture the things themselves — they were the things themselves." That's metaphor in a nutshell. Ware is seven years younger than I am, and while Scarry's books were essentials in his deep childhood — he would carry them around, mirroring his activities to the animals in the book — to me, they were a step removed, books for my younger brother, two years older than Ware. As with Sesame Street, which debuted when I was 9, I could coolly appreciate Richard Scarry from the relative maturity of being 10, but it wasn't embedded in my heart, though I agree with Ware that, "Richard Scarry somehow made me feel safe and settled."

Policeman Small

     In my pre-kindergarten years, my formative text was Lois Lenski's "Policeman Small" (1962), the last in a series of books that began in 1934 with "The Little Auto" and moved through "The Little Fire Engine," and "The Little Airplane," and such,  starring Fireman Small, Pilot Small, etc. Stories that also modeled regular life, such labelling parts of a hook and ladder truck. To compare the two artists is to realize just how complicated, how busy, crowded and diverse life can get in only a decade. Everybody in Lenski's world is white, for instance, and her books have faded compared to Scarry's work, which benefits from the characters being pigs and bears and rabbits. "Policeman Small" stood out from the others for another reason, beside its star finally making it into the title. There was music to a song at the book's beginning, "Oh, Do You Know Policeman Small." My mother would play it on the piano and we would sing together, but I would still never use Lenski's world as a metaphor — how many readers would know what I am talking about? 

     A situation I struggle against — employing an image that sails over 99 percent of readers' heads. A writer has to please himself; but, ideally, not only himself.

     With Scarry, there's at least a shot of people getting it, though I imagine most know nothing of his life and never bothered to find out — I didn't, until I read Ware's piece.

     The man himself was born in Boston in 1919, Scarry's father ran a department store, and when his son, an indifferent student, began to study drawing at the Boston Museum of Fine Arts, delivered this classic and very wrong prediction: "“You will live in a garret and eat nothing but spaghetti.”

     Drafted, Scarry drew his way through World War II, enjoying "the best war ever," with posts in Oran, Venice and Paris.

    Scarry was so successful that by 1967 he could take a three-week ski vacation in Switzerland and decide to never come back.  He died in 1994 in Gstaad.

    Ware makes an interesting observation related to how Scarry's ex-pat status colored his work:

     A decidedly un-American tone runs through much of it. By "un-American" I don't mean anti-American. Instead, I mean there's a top-down, citizen-as-responsible-contributor, sense-of-oneself-as-part-of-something-bigger that feels, well, civilized...the more one looks at his work, the more one sees how the European daily grocery trip, the walk to a nearby shop or tradesman's guild, the tiny apple car fit for a worm are not part of the blowout-all-in-for-oneself-oil-fueled-free-for-all toward which American was barreling in the late 1960s."

      Toward the end of the Yale Review piece, which I encourage everyone to read (It's worth the price of admission just for Random House fretting pre-publication over the title, "What Do People Do All Day?" soon to be a massive best-seller for half a century, because there were no people actually in it). Ware lets loose this glorious sentence: "Like it or not, just as adulthood runs roughshod over childhood, words chew images to shreds, and it's up to the artist — or the writer or the cartoonist — to put those images back together again."

     I certainly view my reality as far darker than Scarry's lovely world, and at times the two collide, as in this 2014 post, when I try to step out of my own jolly self-perception and imagine what my neighbors might actually think of me:

     While most suburbanites don't visit their neighbors without getting in a car, I like that we live cheek-by-jowl to downtown, or to what passes for a downtown in Northbrook, and can walk everywhere. Doing so makes me feel like a character in a Richard Scarry story, if you remember those brightly colored children's books where friendly animal characters are always going about quotidian tasks, bakers baking and police officers directing traffic and such. My self-image during these strolls is not precisely a bear in a fedora waving his paw at a pig in a white apron. But very close. (I won't speculate on how I'm actually perceived, the likelihood of Northbrook mothers cautioning their naughty children with, "Now you behave, or I'll turn you over to the Scary Wandering Man and he'll put you in a pie and eat you for his dinner.")

Frontplate of "Policeman Small" by Lois Lenski (Walck, 1962)

Meet my metaphors #1: Lord Jim

Hedy Lamar as Tondelayo in the 1942 film "White Cargo."
Thurber, writing in 1933, was referring to the book.

     I'm not in the paper for the next two weeks — taking time off. So as not to leave you in the lurch, I'm starting with a series I'm calling "Meet my metaphors." Why that? Honestly, I'm the type of writer who would rather coin a sharp, original metaphor than break real news. Assuming that's a "type" and not solely me. Is that a good or bad thing? Probably both. As always, your indulgence is appreciated.

     Lord Jim, Conrad's haunted wanderer, seemed the natural place to begin.

     Growing up, I loved James Thurber. Loved "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty." Loved "The Catbird Seat." Loved the cartoons. Loved the man himself, half blind, often fully drunk, early on pairing up, quite improbably, with the trim, generally upright E.B. White. As a young man, I wanted to be James Thurber.
     I particularly loved his similes. Nearing 40, his "faculties may have closed up like flowers at evening." He worries about heading to his publisher and disappearing "like Ambrose Bierce." Both found in the second paragraph of "Preface to a Life," at the beginning of his classic "My Life and Hard Times."
    That slim volume's "A Note at the End" contains this passage that has never left me:

    The mistaken exits and entrances of my thirties have moved me several times to some thought of spending the rest of my days wandering aimlessly around the South Seas, like a character out of Conrad, silent and inscrutable. But the necessity for frequent visits to my oculist and dentist has prevented this. You can't be running back from Singapore every few months to get your lenses changed and still retain the proper mood for wandering. Furthermore, my horn-rimmed glasses and my Ohio accent betray me, even when I sit on the terrasses of little tropical cafes, wearing a pith helmet, starting straight ahead, and twitching a muscle in my jaw. I found this out when I tried wandering around the West Indies one summer. Instead of being followed by the whispers of men and the glances of women, I was followed by bead salesmen and native women with postcards. Nor did any dark girl, looking at all like Tondelayo in "White Cargo," come forward and offer to go to pieces with me. They tried to sell me baskets.
     Under these circumstances it is impossible to inscrutable, and a wanderer who isn't inscrutable might just as well be back at Broad and High Streets in Columbus sitting in the Baltimore Dairy Lunch
     There was, of course, even for Conrad's Lord Jim, no running away. The cloud of his special discomfiture followed him like a pup, no matter what ships he took or what wildernesses he entered.

      I thought about, and referred to, this passage for many years — I think it kept me from ever even being tempted to become one of those adventuresome young people who travel for long stretches, spend a long time staring at some distant horizon, considering themselves thus ennobled. Now that I reread the above, I realize that one of my favorite similes I believe I coined — that certain annoyances follow me "quacking like a pull toy duck," is just a reworking of Thurber's tagalong pup.

     Eventually I read Joseph Conrad's "Lord Jim," and was surprised at how dense and difficult it is. 

    But a handy metaphor — that is, an image useful in explaining something. In 2020, trying to fathom the collapse of Republican leadership in "Struggling to understand GOP cowardice," I summarized the plot — and you know a metaphor is on its last legs when you have to explain it:

     But when reflecting on the moral repugnance of men like Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio — four powerful Republican senators who know better, who see what Trump is attempting, yet do nothing, or worse abet him — I search history in vain for similar craven cowardice.
     Literature offers a few: “Lord Jim,” by Joseph Conrad. Jim is a British sailor on the crew of the Patna, a ship on the Red Sea. The ship founders, and the captain and crew — and after some hesitation, Jim — abandon the ship and its 800 Muslim pilgrims.
     Only the Patna doesn’t sink. It’s towed into port, and Jim and his shipmates are publicly vilified. He wanders the world, fleeing his shame. But that’s fiction.

     The book, if I recall properly, is narrated by an admirer of Jim's, Captain Marlowe, with more homoerotic notes than I had expected in a novel written in 1900.
   Asked in 2015 to wax eloquent on the plight of Steve Bartman (have we finally forgotten?) the man unfairly blamed for the Cubs' 2003 collapse against the Marlins in a decisive game in the National League Championship, I supported his careful silence:

     What could Bartman possibly say that would reward the media for its dozen-year quest? He could have lived the existence of Job, squatting in dust at the gates of the city, and express it with the eloquence of Joseph Conrad describing Lord Jim's wanderings around the South Seas, trying to escape his shame, and frankly it would still be inadequate. Silence is his best option.

     Being a meek man afraid of rigors, of course I embrace Thurber's self-assessment, even if it means grabbing a 126-year-old character most readers have never heard of. This, from last year, writing about getting a passport of an upcoming trip aboard:

    I am what they call "a worrier." You probably already figured that out. And I knew as the cab pulled away from my house, heading off to our big trip, in addition to my worrying about the toaster coming to life and setting fire to the drapes which we don't have, and the refrigerator door hanging open, and everything else I conjure up to mock the idea that I am Conradian wanderer out of Lord Jim, I'll also worry until we get back that every checkpoint we pass would snag me on my passport. "Oh sorry Mr., ah, Steinberg, your whole trip is ruined because your passport expires five months and 27 days after this trip is scheduled to end..."

     Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Time to retire Lord Jim. Yes, I will do so. If I can. I know he's loitering languorously somewhere along one of the dusty, narrow back alleys of my brain, in white hat and linen suit, flipping through a small volume he has picked up off a stand. It will be no easy task to find him and flush him out.

 

Dunkin' Bagels

Actual bagels made in Brooklyn

     A friend of mine flew out of Midway on Friday. Had she asked me, I would have strongly advised her to a) never buy food at an airport if you can possibly avoid it and b) never eat at a Dunkin' Donuts for any reason whatsoever and c) never forget, of the range of foodstuff never eaten at the Dunkin' Donuts you never patronize, to particularly abstain from ordering bagels. You risk rending the fabric of time.
     Not to minimize her food service nightmare, which was sufficiently nuts that I asked if she would permit me to share her subsequent complaint to Dunkin's, if only to ladle the scorn upon Dunkin's that they deserve on their best day. In her defense, she was under the impression that a Great American Bagel was at Midway ("don’t mistake me for someone who thinks a Dunkin Donuts bagel is acceptable" is how she phrased it, in our considerable post -fiasco parsing) and was looking for that, when its non-presence made her stoop to order a Dunkin's bagel (heck, they can't even make a good DONUT, in my estimation). She asked that I shield her identity to escape the shame of patronizing Dunkin' Donuts — whose coffee, I am told, can be acceptable — and I agreed. 

     Greetings, your Twitter account suggested I DM you with feedback re concessions. 
     First, please find a way to put a few tables along the terminals and especially at the ends. Many of the concessions have no seating areas themselves, so you buy food that really requires more than a lap at the end of terminal B and then find you have to walk all the way back to the start to sit down. 
     Two: If you can contact whoever manages the Midway Dunkin' Donuts to pass along my input, please do: since the central DD was so jammed I walked to the end of Terminal B and ordered two sesame bagels sliced and well toasted and a medium coffee. First I had to persuade the counter person to take my order, because even though she was doing nothing, she insisted I use the kiosk. But the kiosk would not let me choose a bagel flavor. Finally she sulkily agreed to take the order.
      Some time later I got the coffee and asked where the creamers were. They seemed shocked that anyone would put cream in coffee but eventually brought me a paper cup with about two drops of milk in it. When I asked for more, like Oliver Twist, the worker turned to a manager and said, “Do I have to give it to her?” 
     Finally I had my coffee and bag of bagels and realized there was nowhere for my husband and I to eat. We ran back to the center to be able to sit and eat before our flight. Ripped open the bag and found that the DD people at the end of the terminal had put the bagels into the toaster without slicing them. I took the bagels to the nearby center Dunkin and asked the girl at the window to help me out on that. She stared at me, then continued handing out other orders as soon as I made space at the counter, thinking my problem would be attended to. After a while I realized no one was going to help me. The girl at there would not respond to me so I finally had to stand right at the window again until she asked me to move so she could hand out other orders. I repeated my problem. She claimed it wasn’t Dunkin bagels. I showed her the Dunkin bag. A manager came over and finally agreed to give me a refund and charge me for new bagels. But then he couldn’t make the register work. 
     Eventually he agreed to give me two new bagels, and when I asked for two sesame, he said Dunkin' Donuts doesn’t have sesame at the airport. I pointed out that I had just purchased two from Dunkin' at the airport. Then he got really nasty. Eventually we agreed on two plain bagels, sliced and well toasted. I don’t ask for and did not receive fresh cream cheese. And when I opened the bag, I found two plain bagels barely warm, not at all toasted. All this cost me, with tip, almost $17. I finally went to Tall Boy Tacos and got a breakfast burrito, costing me $18 more dollars. Quite an expensive breakfast. I will send you next a picture of the Dunkin with its sesame bagels—and a sign identifying them as such. Thank you.

Know your enemy: buckthorn

Fear it.

     I had more fun with my column on Arbor Day than a person should probably have while getting paid. The first draft ran 30 percent long, and I had to leave a few interesting bits on the cutting room floor. Hallmark and American Greetings do not sell Arbor Day cards, as far as I can tell — I cut that first, as it's hard to prove a negative, and figured I was inviting someone to wave their some undetected Hugs for Trees series under my nose.
    Beer companies also do up the holiday — I checked because initially I said they didn't, then thought: "Better find out." The following was trimmed from the end of the first graph:

     A few small local beer companies make an effort — Yards Brewing in Philadelphia has "ArBrew Day," giving away free saplings and beer. But the big boys stand pat, waiting for Memorial Day. A pity. I'd like to see Angry Orchard do it up right. "Slam a cold hard cider for the trees that made it!"

     One of the Arbor Day tips I suggested was this:

     Learn what buckthorn is — an aggressively invasive tree, illegal in Illinois to buy, sell or plant, that will crowd out the entirety of nature if we let it — and carefully pull the next sprout you see.

     But I couldn't imagine anyone actually doing it.
     The only lawful way to plant buckthorn is if you get a permit and are studying improved ways to kill it. Once buckthorn takes hold, you can't pull it, you have to dig it out. I try to get an early jump. I walked my yard yesterday, for the second time this spring, doing buckthorn suppression. I must have dug out 25 buckthorn sprouts. Their roots race to the center of the earth and if you wait until they're six inches tall they can be devilishly hard to extract. When we bought this property, 25 years ago, the northeast corner of our yard had buckthorn trees 15 feet tall, and without constant vigilance, they'll be back in no time. Friday I took out a tree that had hidden inside a large bush that was easily seven feet tall, with thorns an inch long (they call it buckthorn for a reason). Some of my neighbors down the block still have buckthorn hedges, decades old, and while I have considered stopping by with a gas can and wordlessly setting them on fire, that would be wrong. The birds gobble their berries and poop the seeds in my yard. Sadly, buckthorns are not illegal to own, though that would be a logical next step if any legislator wants to take the hint. We're in a war and buckthorn is winning.

We love trees. So why isn't Arbor Day a bigger deal?

"A-mal-gam" by Nick Cave.

     Happy Arbor Day! Did it sneak up on you, again? Or are you ready with the ... well, not a lot to do on Arbor Day. No gifts to give, no cards to send. No parties to throw unless you're a municipality, and even then, they celebrate by doing the same thing they do all year long: Put a few trees in the ground. It's like treating your wife to dinner at home and a TV show for her birthday.
     It doesn't make sense. Love is elusive, fleeting, heartbreaking, yet Valentine's Day is huge. Trees are everywhere, permanent, uplifting. Yet we give them the cold shoulder. Why isn't Arbor Day a bigger deal?
     "That's a really good question," said David Horvath, a certified arborist with the Davey Tree Expert Company. "It doesn't get much mention in the media. You guys aren't reporting on it."
     Oh right. Our fault. Maybe so. This is my first Arbor Day column in 30 years. Horvath must have detected my air of injury, because he mused that lack of attention might be a good thing.
     "We're doing a pretty good job, preserving trees," he said. "We don't have a lot of news stories about hundreds of acres being clear cut."
     Not yet. That may be coming, with the Trump administration dismantling the U.S. Forest Service and going gaga for logging.
     It's a good time to reaffirm our love of trees. Trees are cool, and very Chicago. How so? For starters, we have a direct, familial link to Arbor Day: J. Sterling Morton, who created Arbor Day in 1872 as a way to forest treeless Nebraska. Fifty years later, his son Joy Morton, founder of Morton Salt, created the Morton Arboretum on his country estate in west suburban Lisle.
     Arbor Day was a state-by-state affair until 1970, when Richard Nixon established national Arbor Day as the last Friday in April (though states still celebrate at peak planting times. Texas Arbor Day is the first Friday in November).
     The city of Chicago has about 3.5 million trees, and I wish I could tell you a dozen tree stories. Space limits us to one. In 1972, students voted for an Illinois state tree. The white oak won. At Austin High School, however, students disagreed, pooled their money — each chipped in a penny — and bought a black oak, which they planted in the school courtyard.
     "The black student body felt a closer identification with this type of oak," the Chicago Daily News helpfully explained. (The tree, alas, is no longer there, according to the Chicago Public Schools. "No sign of the black oak tree," said Ben Pagani, of CPS, who added engineers were sent to scope out the situation).

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