Monday, June 30, 2025

Old Obit Week #1 — Bob Hope, "Master of the one-liner, icon of show biz"

     A writer thinks about structure, and tends to group material thematically. After posting the obituaries of Sun-Times celebrity columnist Irv Kupcinet and his wife, Essee, I thought I'd keep going by adding Kup's reminiscence about comic Bob Hope, which I wrote for him.
    In looking for that, I noticed Hope's obit, which I also hadn't published. I was poised to post it, then another value besides structure kicked in: the need to avoid overkill. As inviting as it would be, for me, to slap another big honking obituary up and call it a day, I detected the tang of mothballs, and thought better to set this aside. But now I'm taking a second week off — for reasons unrelated to bereavement — and thought it might have some value.

     Bob Hope, the top gag man of the 20th century, an immensely popular comedian who knew how to make America laugh and entertained U.S. troops overseas from World War II to the eve of the Gulf War, died Sunday two months after his 100th birthday.
     He succumbed to pneumonia at his home in Toluca Lake, Calif., with his wife of nearly 70 years, Dolores, and his family at his side. A priest celebrated mass in his bedroom. Hope's daughter, Linda, described the scene as "beautiful" and "serene."
     "I think all the good vibes he put out during his lifetime came back to take him up. He really left us with a smile on his face and no last words. . . . He gave us each a kiss and that was it," she told reporters.
     Known for his ski-slope nose and his rapid-fire delivery of an endless supply of one-liners, Mr. Hope, who got an important early professional break in Chicago and adopted children here, was one of the few funnymen able to nimbly jump from one entertainment medium to another: He was a big star on Broadway, on radio, in movies — in fact, he was among the top box office stars of the 1940s and 1950s — and on television.
     He starred in the popular "Road" series of movies with Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour, beginning in 1940 with "The Road to Singapore." He wrote 10 popular books between 1941 and 1990.
     More than a mere celebrity, Mr. Hope became a cultural icon, the country's mainstream court jester, master of ceremonies to the establishment, golf partner of the powerful. He was welcomed at the White House by 11 presidents, from Franklin D. Roosevelt to Bill Clinton. He was entertainment's most decorated and honored man, according to the Guinness Book of Records, with more than 1,500 awards. 
     All the while, Mr. Hope made sure to give back to his audience — he made 22 overseas Christmas tours and starred in 1,000 USO shows, even after his popularity declined among the young and he found himself criticized for his right-wing beliefs.
     Too sedate to be considered a first-tier comic genius such as Charlie Chaplin or Groucho Marx, Mr. Hope was the embodiment of ordinary America. Time magazine once summarized his appeal as "vibrant averageness." New York Times critic Vincent Canby dubbed his style "Inoffensive Contemporary."
     Still, his energy attracted praise from unexpected quarters. "The man drives himself and is driven," Nobel laureate John Steinbeck once wrote of Mr. Hope. "It is impossible to see how he can do so much, can cover so much ground, can work so hard and be so effective. There's a man. There is really a man."
     Mr. Hope was a consummate businessman, parlaying his decades of star salary into an immense fortune. Forbes magazine wrote in 1983 that he was worth $200 million. After further research, Forbes revised its figure to $115 million. Later, Hope was asked for a figure of his own. "I'm fine until June," he said with a deadpan look.
     He bought hundreds of acres of prime San Fernando Valley real estate when it was farmland, and sold it for sometimes 100 times what he had paid for it. At times he owned parts of the Cleveland Indians and the Los Angeles Rams.
     His awards are numerous: four special Academy Awards, an Emmy, a Peabody, an Order of the British Empire, the French Legion of Honor, the Congressional Gold Medal, given by John F. Kennedy, and the Medal of Freedom from Lyndon Johnson. He received 54 honorary degrees. The Chicago Horticultural Society named a fern in his honor, and the Navy named a ship for him.
     In 1997, Congress granted Mr. Hope a unique tribute: It designated him a U.S. armed forces veteran, an honor extended to no other non-military person in our nation's history.
     On Monday, President Bush ordered flags to be flown at half-staff on all federal buildings and U.S. posts around the world. "America mourns the loss of one of its great treasures," Bush said.
     Mr. Hope hosted the Academy Awards 18 times between 1940 and 1978.
     He was born Leslie Townes Hope in Eltham, England, the fifth of seven sons of William Hope, a stonemason, and Avis Townes, a singer. When he was 4, the family moved to Cleveland, Ohio.
     Mr. Hope worked as a delivery boy, dance instructor, soda fountain clerk and shoe salesman. He was an amateur boxer under the name Packy East. Leslie was changed, first to Lester, and then to Bob.
     His professional stage debut was in vaudeville, in a dancing act with Lloyd Durbin in a Fatty Arbuckle Revue in 1924. Mr. Hope began his move upward in New Castle, Ind., when he was asked to announce the schedule in a vaudeville house. Mr. Hope joked around while making the announcement and impressed Chicago agent Charles Hogan, who offered him a gig at Chicago's Stratford Theater, at 65th and Halsted on the South Side.
     Mr. Hope said he struggled through hard times in Chicago. "I was in debt," he once recalled. "I had holes in my shoes."
     He ran into an old friend in Chicago. "I was just about to give it up and go back to Cleveland when this friend of mine passed by," Mr. Hope said. "He said, 'What are you doing?' I said, 'I'm dying.' " The friend bought Mr. Hope a meal.
     "I had forgotten whether to cut a steak with a knife or drink it out of a spoon," Mr. Hope quipped.
     The job at the Stratford, which was supposed to last a week, lasted six months. "When I came out of there, I had everything," he said.
     He debuted on Broadway in "Sidewalks of New York" in 1927. His first big Broadway role was in "Ballyhoo" in 1932. Stardom came a year later in "Roberta."
     While performing in "Roberta," Mr. Hope met his future wife, a nightclub singer named Dolores Reade. Mr. Hope invited her to see his show, the story goes, and she went, thinking he was in the chorus, only to discover he was the star.
     The couple married on Feb. 19, 1934, and adopted four children — Linda, Tony, Kelly and Nora — from the Cradle adoption agency in Evanston. The marriage endured, despite Mr. Hope's notorious womanizing. "He's a rover by nature. . . . There were times I wanted to pack it in," she once told an interviewer.
     Mr. Hope debuted on radio on the "Capital Family Hour" in 1932. He bombed. His first few radio outings in the early 1930s were bad enough to earn him the nickname "Bob Hopeless."
     Pepsodent Toothpaste saved him, however, allowing him to build his own show in 1938. Tuesday nights quickly became "Bob Hope Night" in America, as the country laughed at Mr. Hope's antics with bandleader and singer Skinny Ennis and comedian Jerry Colonna. Pepsodent sales jumped from sixth place to first.
     The same year, Mr. Hope debuted in movies. His signature song, "Thanks for the Memory," was from his first major film, Paramount's "The Big Broadcast of 1938." He starred in 54 feature films, the last starring role being "Cancel My Reservation" in 1972. He made two later cameos, in "The Muppet Movie" and "Spies Like Us."
     Mr. Hope began entertaining troops, grudgingly, on May 6, 1941, in California. But he soon took to the practice, and his status as a beloved star was cemented in World War II. He performed in as many as seven shows a day, eating with the troops, taking time to talk and sing with them. He continued entertaining soldiers after the war, beginning a tradition of going overseas at Christmastime when he performed for troops running the Berlin airlift in 1948.
     He hosted his first network television special on Easter Sunday, 1950. (By no means his first appearance on television, however. He debuted on the CBS experimental station, W2XAB, in 1932.) In all, he starred in more than 300 specials for NBC.
     Popular throughout the 1950s, Mr. Hope's star set a little in the 1960s as the public began to embrace comedians who wrote their own material, such as Woody Allen, or who told stories instead of jokes, such as Bill Cosby, or were not afraid of risque material, such as George Carlin.
     Mr. Hope always relied on a stable of writers, many of whom had been with him for decades. He rarely spoke from his own actual experience, and never at length. And he avoided all but the mildest winking references to drugs or sex.
     He also began speaking out, politically, opposing the political protest surrounding the Vietnam War, and coming to the defense of the military and his Republican friends such as Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew.
     The man loved by America was shocked to find himself the object of scorn.
     "The funny thing about Bob Hope is that he's not very funny," Look magazine wrote in 1968. "Practically every funny thing he says — in performance and private conversation — comes from seven well-oiled, well-paid writers who supply him enough gags to fill the file cabinets both in his office and in his mind."
     Even the military, which Mr. Hope had selflessly supported for years, turned on him as the war in Vietnam dragged on. Mr. Hope, who had received a two-minute standing ovation from 12,000 Marines in Da Nang in 1969, found himself being booed in 1970, his patriotic speeches met with stony silence. The Pentagon's chief of European entertainment services noted that Mr. Hope "fails to bring laughs and applause from soldiers turned on to pot smoking and rock music."
     Mr. Hope stuck to his views and kept entertaining troops. He was so taken with the plight of U.S. prisoners of war that, at one point, he made overtures to the North Vietnamese government, attempting to buy back our POWs with his considerable fortune. He was rebuffed.
     As the difficulties of the Vietnam era passed, Mr. Hope settled into a comfortable position as the elder statesman of the World War II generation, beloved by those who grew up with him and appreciated by those who valued his wartime work and his charitable efforts, which were many.
     Mr. Hope endowed the Eisenhower Medical Center. He donated the land — 80 acres near Palm Springs, Calif. — for the center to be built, and supported it through his Bob Hope Desert Golf Classic.
     Mr. Hope was a 12-handicap golfer who once scored a hole-in-one on the 220-yard fifth hole at Butler National Golf Course in Oak Brook.
     Mr. Hope lived in California, and had three grandchildren.
     A memorial service is scheduled for Aug. 27. His burial, tentatively set for Wednesday, will be private and for immediate family only. His daughter said that when Mr. Hope was asked in his waning hours where he wanted to be buried, he replied with a joke: "Surprise me!"
        — Originally published in the Sun-Times, July 29, 2003 

Sunday, June 29, 2025

Flashback 2008: Are we willing to ship out immigrant children en masse?

     If I were writing a column this week, I might be unable to resist commenting on Trump's ferocious war on immigrants -- setting American civil rights on fire in order to scorch newcomers. Though the victimization of the very population that makes America great is nothing new. Remember, Trump is not a cause but a symptom, the avatar of a bias that is very old. It isn't even his main concern — he just uses xenophobia as a sparkly distraction to mesmerize his dupes while he picks America's pockets.
     Irene Rosenfeld retired in 2017.
     This is from when the column filled a page, and I've left in the headings and the closing joke.

OPENING SHOT . . .

     It is a very cold morning, and the children shepherded into Erie Neighborhood House, 1701 W. Superior, are bundled under coats, hats, scarves and, in one instance, a Batman mask.
     Ages 3 and 4, they are here for childhood development with Irene Marquez. Almost all are Hispanic — the latest wave of immigration to wash over Erie House, now often called La Escuela Erie. Go back in time to 1870, when Erie House was founded, and there would still be children needing breakfast, though those children were largely Dutch.
     Since then, Erie has helped waves of immigrants — Irish, Italians, Poles — adjust to a city that didn't particularly want them. A city whose longtime residents trod the wooden sidewalks secure in the knowledge that they had been resourceful enough to be born to parents who had arrived in an earlier migration, smug as they eyed those bundled children of newcomers, made jokes about garlic, and worried that the Chicago of 1910 was filled to capacity.
     I followed los ninos inside, where they hung up their lilac-colored coats, heard a story about a teddy bear, ate French toast cut up into triangles, then brushed their teeth using toothbrushes with their names on the handles.
     This must be the belly of the beast, I realized. This must be the outrage my angry readers have in mind when they talk about how immigrants are soaking up vital social services. These are exactly the people the Mike Huckabees of the world would force, with their parents, at bayonet-point into sealed cattle cars heading south. (Because, honestly, when you talk about deporting 12 million people, how else could you possibly do it?)
    
Would it matter if they could stand here with me, watching the kids' eager faces as they listen to Teddy's Snowy Day? Would it soften their hearts to learn that this one is Cesar and that one is Antonio? That Brianna is outgoing and Ariana is shy?
     Or would they snap shut the book, roughly return their lilac jackets, their little mittens, and send them back out into the very cold Friday morning, as punishment for some misdemeanor
their parents may or may not have committed years ago? Would they? Would you?

CEO, CHAIRMAN, LUNCH LADY


     Inspired by Lake Michigan filling their windows, La Rabida Children's Hospital designed its ward to look like a ship, with life-preservers on the walls and red-trimmed portholes peeking in on rooms that are called "cabins."  
   The effect is so well done, it's possible to imagine the hand rails lining the corridors — safety features found in any hospital — are here to grab onto in rough waters.
     In Cabin 19, Christian Barber, 9, decked out in tiger pajamas, relaxes in bed, watching "Scooby Doo" on television. He barely glances over as a trim, buoyant woman enters his room bearing a tray.
     "I brought you some lunch!" she exclaims, brightly. "Let's see what we've got here. Oh, chicken! Do you like chicken?"
     But Christian, who has sickle cell anemia, an exhausting chronic genetic condition, isn't interested in food at the moment, or company. And one of the most influential women on Earth immediately understands and withdraws, just as cheerily as she entered.
      She is Irene Rosenfeld, chairman and CEO of Kraft Foods, the $34 billion food behemoth based in suburban Northfield. Last year, Forbes Magazine ranked Rosenfeld ninth on its list of the world's "100 Most Powerful Women" — a full dozen places ahead of Oprah Winfrey, with Queen Elizabeth II and Sen. Hillary Clinton trailing even further.
     She is taking part in "Kraft Cares Day," where some 1,800 Kraft employees nationwide —  1,400 around Chicago — skip work and go out into the world, helping.
     "I'm happy to be here today," says Rosenfeld, who earlier read at Erie House before visiting La Rabida. "It beats most of the things I'd be doing otherwise."
     As much as I try to be cynical — a Kraft photographer must have snapped 300 photos, and Rosenfeld feeding little Hayley Edwards with her pink bows will look great in the company's annual report — it's hard to be. The truth is that Kraft not only gives away $83 million a year, but does so in a smart fashion. Rather than following the herd with a pro forma Christmastime effort to prod employees into donating to the trouble-wracked United Way, Kraft gives its employees a voice in deciding where their money should go. They picked Erie House, which has received $215,000 from Kraft since 2000.
     And Rosenfeld is impressive — her focus, the way she takes command of 17 preschoolers at Erie House, learning their names, even the shy girl at the back, and reading a story while peppering them with questions and listening to their sometimes protracted replies, all without a flicker of inattention.
     "You've done this before," I say later, and she admits to having been, once upon a time, a counselor at Tyler Hill Camp in the Poconos.
     Rosenfeld also has learned the secret of those who actually volunteer — that doing so helps them more than it does their supposed beneficiaries.
     "I can't make a dent today, but we can better understand who we're serving," Rosenfeld says. "Coming out to places like this motivates employees. It reminds us of some of the challenges out there, and puts things in perspective. It reinforces our mission: We have an obligation to give back."
     She doesn't check a BlackBerry in the three hours I'm with her. What if there were a crisis?
     "I have a very, very talented group of employees," Rosenfeld says. "There are still a few more to spare back at the ranch."

TODAY'S CHUCKLE . . .


     The Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. is so revered today that we usually forget he was also, to quote Andrew Young, "just a regular guy who laughed and joked a lot." He made this quip in 1964, after a private audience with Pope John VI:
      Things have really changed a lot when the pope will agree to see a fellow by the name of Martin Luther.

Originally published in the Sun-Times, Jan. 21, 2008

Saturday, June 28, 2025

Flashback 2007: 'A terrifying, pitch-black cloud'

From "Ashen Sky," illustrated by Barry Moser

     I'm continually surprised what I can slip into the paper. Such as a review of letters from Pliny the Younger, which I think about whenever someone says a version of "fortune favors the bold," and I have to bite back my retort: "You do realize ... or more likely, don't ... that the guy who said that was rewarded for his daring by being buried in ash?"

     Fortune often favors the brave. Not always. I leapt to grab Ashen Sky, the new illustrated volume of Pliny the Younger's pair of all-too-brief letters describing the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii.
     The book is beautifully illustrated by Barry Moser's stark black and white woodcuts, and Virgil's famous edict on the usefulness of courage is spoken by Pliny the Younger's uncle, Pliny the Elder, a revered statesman and writer at the time of the catastrophe.
     Old Pliny has taken his family aboard a ship, seeking safety from the spouting volcano.
     "Suddenly the water became shallow and the shore was blocked by the collapse of the mountain," Pliny the Younger writes. His uncle "hesitated a bit, wondering whether to turn back," but then turns to the helmsman who urged him to do so and said, " 'Fortune favors the brave,' "
     In this case, boldness was fatal — Pliny the Elder was killed at his destination, on Aug. 25, 79 A.D.
     Since you probably won't rush out to get the book — I merely bumbled across it — I'll tell you what struck me as the most poignant detail. Pliny the Younger notes the people fleeing around him in fear as burning pumice stones rained down from the sky.
     "To protect themselves against falling objects, they tied pillows on their heads," he writes.
     You can't make that kind of thing up, a reminder of the frequent pitifulness of human effort in the face of nature's fury.
        — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Aug. 17, 2007


Friday, June 27, 2025

Flashback 2010: Silhouette artist presents profile of a gentler time

The silhouette in the foreground is from May 26, 1946, when my mother
was 9. The sculpture of an alien head is by Allen Littlefield.



     My mother's effects included several silhouettes — quite the thing back then. And I recalled that I had my own silhouette cut for a column once.  Sally Newcomb passed 
away just last year, at age 96.


     "Shall I do your silhouette?" asks Sally Newcomb, gesturing me into a chair in her elegant, book-filled apartment in Glenview. "Here is where the victim sits."
      I face the window, while Newcomb, a spry lady with a ready laugh and a refined manner of speaking — think Aunt May in the "SpiderMan" movies — quickly sketches my outline. I ask about her parents, Richard Southern Shreve and Mary Grey Andrews.
     "My mother was from Salt Lake City and my dad was from Virginia, and his family used to feed Mosby at the back door."
     "Mosby?"
     "Rebel raider. Once the whole family got hauled into the courthouse because they were definitely Rebel sympathizers."
     Newcomb grew up in Washington, D.C.
     "I went to a girl's junior college in Virginia where my cousin Mary Frances had gone" — she slips into a deep drawl for "Meh Frances" — "with the idea that I was going to be a Southern belle. Well, it didn't work. But I had a very good time."
Nose not to scale.
     And here she unleashes that laugh.
     "My mom had silhouettes all over the house -- she fancied them, she collected them -- so I knew what they were."
     Newcomb began cutting silhouettes out of black paper in 1956.
     "I was in the Bound Brook, New Jersey, Junior Women's Club, and they were going to have something they called the Easter Bunny Fair, and someone said, 'You take the silhouette booth.' "
     The phone rings. She steps across the room, adorned with many, many silhouettes — family members, children, both when girls were portrayed with big ribbons in their hair to girls wearing karate outfits or pulling wheeled backpacks.
     "I am being interviewed by the press," Newcomb says into the receiver. "I'm terribly sorry. I'm thrilled that you called."
     She returns, and takes up her work.
     The tool she uses is seven-inch Singer sewing shears. Not something smaller?
     "You try working with little tinies all day long, and you have nothing left of your hands. It's like a Western saddle. You use a cute little saddle for jumping and showing off. If you are going to be there all day, you want something big and comfy."
     How did she pick up the skill?
     "There was a kit that you could send for that was in the back of the New York Times magazine, and it was supposed to make everything possible, so I sent for the kit, and it was a stinker to work with, so finally I thrust it from me and just winged it. They were pretty bad, but there was no competition. So that worked out well. Now, I've got to make a delicate cut here, so I'm going to shut up for a minute . . . "
     More like five seconds. She turns the portrait so I can see.
     "What do you think of you?"
     The speed is surprising — two minutes total, maybe three. I study my profile, notice she included my new beard, and observe that she has been kind to my profile.
     "I gave up kind a long time ago," she says. "People don't want kind. They want true."
     In my experience, I point out, people want truth regarding others but kindness for themselves. Either way, I will accept her version of my nose as a form of higher truth.
     Does she ever botch one, lop the head off?
     "Sometimes, I'm not quite pleased with it, but people are."
     She gives me a tour of her apartment — or, more accurately, the silhouettes in it.
     "This was done at Greenfield Village," she says of a proud rooster. "This was local. . . . This was something I've not seen done in silhouette before. It's a mommy who was very happily throwing her infant in the air."
     Did the mom have to throw the baby a lot for her to get that? "A couple of times."
     Pets are better behaved than children
     She shows me some of her greatest hits -- five figures, characters from Mark Twain, one with a paintbrush; another, a slingshot.
     "This was one of the first ones I did for the junior women's club -- they were having a play of Tom Sawyer.
     "This is when I was visiting a family in England and did all of their livestock, including their kids," she says, showing off a tableau of animals and people, including a goat and a pony. She names the rest.
     "Gifty the dog, Porridge the cat and Petrochelli the rooster."
     Are pets a challenge?
     "They're better behaved than the kids."
     She shows me her schedule from 1989. About two-thirds of the month was filled. She has gone to England, Scotland, Denmark.
      "I worked in Copenhagen and in Fields, Dillards in St. Louis and Florida and hopped all over the place. Rochester, New York. The Museum at Stonybrook. Mystic Seaport. I pretty much peppered New England."
     Now, alas, despite the popularity of classic Americana and parents' endless desire to memorialize their children, Newcomb says this charming artform is on the wane.
     "I rode the crest of the wave when it had a revival, now it's really disappearing," she laughs.    
     "Silhouettes are at a nadir."
     But not quite gone.
     "I'm 82, and I'm tapering down," she says. "I'm going to be in Winnetka at the Harkness Outreach Center. Nov. 20" -- that's Saturday. "I'll be in Lake Forest at the Gorton Community Center Dec. 3 and 4."
     "Silhouettes have been very good to me," she says. "They've taken me all over this country, I've met some fascinating people and had a great time."
      — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Nov. 19, 2010

Thursday, June 26, 2025

Flashback 2000: Hunting a lost talisman

The odd thing is, I knew exactly where this guy was stashed after 25 years.


     Am I the only one surprised to realize that I've been using eBay for 25 years? For some reason, online technology still seems "new" even though of course it isn't. When I made my first purchase, over a quarter century ago, I used the power of the internet to retrieve something I'd lost and wanted back. This is from when the column appeared in the Features section, and was 50 percent shorter than it is today. 

     The box came. A blue, white and red Priority Mail carton, with a lovely maroon oval "INSURED" hand stamp. I checked the return address: Las Vegas, Nev. This was it!
     I have never anticipated a package the way I had this one. I hurried into the apartment. The boys called happily from upstairs. "In a minute," I said, and went into my office. Shut the door.
     "Thirty years," I muttered to myself, fumbling with the box. Of course thinking of the Sidney Greenstreet character in "The Maltese Falcon" clawing at the wrappings around the black bird.
     Two weeks earlier, late one weary afternoon, I had put aside work and plopped online, looking for distraction. I plugged into eBay, that vast network of sellers and buyers. What in the world did I want?
     When I was a child, I had Rat Finks. They were little charms, an inch high. A mouse with beady eyes and an addled grin — the mascot for a hot rod. They came in gumball machines and cost a dime. I have no idea why I loved them, but I did.
      I carried a Rat Fink for years, as a talisman, as a friend. If my mother stopped and gossiped in the supermarket I would pull out my Rat Fink and gaze at it, rapt.
      The last Rat Fink was orange. I remember it clearly. The ears had melted into stumps by trips through the dryer. The tail of course was gone. I was in the May Co. department store in Cleveland, playing on the escalator. I gave the Rat Fink a ski ride down the trough next to the moving handrail, planning to retrieve it at the bottom. But at the bottom it was gone.
     That was 30 years ago. Since then, I had kept my eye on gumball machines, toy stores. Once, I wrote to a Rat Fink collector who was advertising in a toy magazine. But he didn't reply.
     That first minute on eBay, I wondered whether anybody possibly would be selling Rat Finks. It seemed a long shot. I typed the words into the search engine.
     There were 151 Rat Fink items for sale. Model kits, posters and dozens upon dozens of the gumball finks I was looking for, some in their original packages.
     I browsed. They were getting money for the things — $45 for one sealed in its bag, with the Rat Fink oath.
     No need for that. I found one in less-than-pristine condition. The tail was gone, but the tails of mine were always gone. Opening bid: $6.99.
     The eBay software is amazingly simple. It leads you by the hand through registering.
     No one bid against me. The sale ended, and I was directed to dispatch a check to a Michael Devinney of Las Vegas. Writing out the check — $9.50 with shipping and insurance — I was still uncertain about the whole thing. Las Vegas: Isn't that where all the crooks are? Still, what was the risk? If I could learn that eBay was a rip-off for under 10 bucks, that would be a lesson worth the tuition.
     The dingus was so well-wrapped, I finally had to use a scissors. Out tumbled the Rat Fink. It was the same. Beady eyes. Big leering grin. I smiled broadly, as if imitating the lump of red plastic in my hand.
     A colleague at the newspaper had warned me about seeking out beloved childhood objects on eBay  — "They aren't the same ones you owned," he said. "They're somebody else's." But he was wrong. This wasn't somebody else's Rat Fink — it was mine, now. I slipped it into my jacket pocket, and together we went upstairs.
      — Originally published in the Sun-Times, March 21, 2000

Wednesday, June 25, 2025

Flashback 2011: Comic duck canned for being human

 

    I mentioned a column about tragedy and humor in yesterday's post, and wondered what it might say. The column also fits this very unusual week. I've pulled together some remarks for my mother's funeral, and while there are no jokes, per se, there is a moment early on where I expect people will laugh. At least I hope they do.

     Gilbert Gottfried was never my cup of tea. I prefer the cool paradoxes of Steven Wright, say, to Gottfried’s squinty, barking dog comic routine, though he was funny in the delightfully filthy documentary “The Aristocrats.”
     His squawk made him perfect for the voice of the Aflac duck, mascot for the insurance giant, which promptly canned Gottfried on Monday over tweets he sent cracking crude jokes about the Japanese earthquake and tsunami.
     “Japan is really advanced,” he wrote in one of the more printable efforts. “They don’t go to the beach. The beach comes to them.”
     When firing Gottfried, Aflac placed the jokes squarely beyond the pale of humanity.
     “There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times,” said Michael Zuna, a senior VP and chief marketing officer for Aflac.
     Really? No place? No place at all? Because my understanding is that every tragedy in the history of the world quickly becomes the butt of jokes, and humor is especially important to those trying to survive the most extreme and awful circumstances.
     Slaves in chains joked about their masters. Jews in Auschwitz put on vaudeville shows.
     “Wit produced on the precipice of hell was not frivolity, but psychological necessity,” Steve Lipman writes in Laughter in Hell: The Use of Humor During the Holocaust. “ ‘We kept our morale through humor,’ says Emil Fachenheim, an Auschwitz survivor.”
     In public, the right to joke is reserved for those most affected: Gottfried did not lose his children to a tsunami and thus can’t make jokes. To live as a slave or in a concentration camp and joke about your condition is not the same as us making jokes about either today.
     And yet. Are we all not also affected by this, to a far milder but still real degree, as fellow humans? It’s been nearly a week since the Japan earthquake and tsunami hit. The world has been processing a continuously unfolding horror — uncounted thousands dead, far more homeless, plus crippled reactors on the brink of full-blown catastrophe. I’m not so sure that cracking a joke at some point isn’t a natural human response, as opposed to maintaining an unwavering expression of generic anguish and continual pro forma concern.
     People joke — part of the issue here is how technology has blurred the line between public and private. I’m sure Gottfried didn’t realize he was quitting his Aflac gig when he made those tweets; his timing was off and, as a comic should know, timing is everything.
     Private laughter is inevitable, especially during tragedies. I laughed over the situation in Japan, and I’ll tell you exactly when: It was when news broke about the volcano. It just seemed to be cruel fate turning the knife one twist too many. An earthquake. A tsunami. Pending nuclear disaster. And now an erupting volcano. You have to laugh, don’t you?
     “Jeez,” I said out loud to myself, with an amazed, sardonic chuckle, “Poor Japan. What’s next — a hail of burning frogs?”
     Does that make me a bad person? Indifferent to the plight of the Japanese? Should the paper fire me, too, for printing that just now?
     I would suggest that, while you’re always safe with nodding solemnity, laughter is what people who are themselves under the lash of fate find true comfort in.
     The French editor Jean-Dominique Bauby suffered a brain stem stroke in 1995 that left him completely paralyzed. All he could do was flutter his left eyelid, which he used to dictate the bittersweet, haunting memoir The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.
     In it, he is parked every day in front of a glass case at a hospital on the Norman Coast, facing a marble bust of the Empress Eugenie.
     Eventually he notices his own reflection:
     “An unknown face interposed itself between us. Reflected in the glass I saw the head of a man who seemed to have emerged from a vat of formaldehyde. His mouth was twisted, his nose damaged, his hair tousled, his gaze full of fear. One eye was sewn shut, the other goggled. . . .
     “Whereupon a strange euphoria came over me. Not only was I exiled, paralyzed, mute, half deaf, deprived of all pleasures and reduced to the existence of a jellyfish, but I was also horrible to behold. There comes a time when the heaping up of calamities brings on uncontrollable nervous laughter — when, after a final blow from fate, we decide to treat it all as a joke. My jovial cackling at first disconcerted Eugenie, until she herself was infected by my mirth. We laughed until we cried.”
     That is sometimes all you can do in a world where horror and humor blur into one.
     “Our house is gone,” said Kyoko Nambu, 49, as she gazed at Soma, her ruined hometown, “and now they are telling us to stay indoors.”
     — Originally published in the Sun-Times, March 16, 2011

Tuesday, June 24, 2025

Flashback 2011: Death takes us all, yet the good lingers


     I'm taking time off from the newspaper to mourn my mother and help tie up her worldly affairs. This chestnut from the vault seems apt.

     Catholics believe that when a person dies with his soul in a state of grace, that person ascends to heaven. And as Jim Tyree, the owner of the Sun-Times, who died Wednesday, was both a Catholic and a man of thoroughness, it is safe to assume that he took care of the necessary preliminaries, and so now is in a better place than this, freed of the suffering he endured for so long fighting a series of maladies with courage and humor.
     Jews, of which I am one, do not generally believe in heaven as a place, a celestial sphere with angels and clouds and shafts of light. We believe heaven is here on earth, God help us, that our rewards are found in this life, and after we die our spirit continues living in the form of our children, of which Jim had three, and in our loved ones and good works, which he had many, and in the good name we leave behind, which in Jim’s case constitutes a kind of immortality, in that he pulled off the rare trick of being both a hugely successful businessman and a universally acclaimed nice guy. I’ve worked for five owners at the paper, at least, and Tyree was easily the best — friendly, modest, direct, candid, ethical.
     Myself, I share the view of the poet Samuel Coleridge, who wrote, “We all look up to the blue sky for comfort, but nothing appears there, nothing comforts, nothing answers us, and so we die.” Yawning eternity stretches before our arrival, we flash into being at birth, a miracle of chemistry and electricity.
     We blink at the world and chew on it and gradually discover who we are and what it is, live and laugh and love and grow in complexity and understanding, manifesting ourselves to the indifferent cosmos until, suddenly, just when we were getting good at it, the tide goes out again, and every gift that life has given us — youth and beauty and strength and intelligence — is snatched back, one by one, until we are left with nothing and wink out, with all the magic and wonder of a charge draining off a battery. And eternity rolls on.
     Though not without a ripple. While we do not, in my view, literally live on in those who knew us, we do continue to ruffle their lives, like wind through leaves. The dead linger with us, at times. To this day, a question will come up at the paper, and I’ll think: this is something I should run by Steve Neal . . . or Charles Nicodemus, or Ray Coffey. Then I’ll realize that they’re all gone, and I’m the old guy now and will have to figure it out for myself.
     So Jim Tyree will endure, not only in the hearts of his family and friends, but also in this newspaper. In October 2009, the Sun-Times was being quick-marched toward oblivion when Jim interceded. Without him, I and hundreds of other writers, photographers, editors, advertising reps, computer geeks, office managers and assistants would be out of work, and there would be a big gaping hole in the civic life of Chicago.
     Instead he gave us the daily gift of employment and gave you a paper. “After that, it was all gravy, every minute of it,” to quote Raymond Carver. “Longer than I or anyone expected. Pure gravy. And don’t forget it.”
     We won’t. We’ll try not to. The day Jim Tyree passed away my column was about tragedy and humor, and how jokes can relieve sorrow. I truly believe that, and here is an old chestnut I’d like to present as evidence:
     A priest, a senator, and a newspaper owner die on the same day, and ascend to heaven, where St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and tells them he will be escorting them to where they will spend eternity.
     First the group arrives at a fancy house: arching windows, double doorway, lush lawn.
     “Father,” St. Peter says to the priest, “this is your home in paradise.” The priest thanks him and walks up to the door.
     They continue to a much larger home — a mansion really — with a fountain and a circular drive. “Senator,” says St. Peter, “you will be spending eternity here. Enjoy.” He hugs the senator, who strides up the walk.
     St. Peter and the newspaper owner walk on. They come to a truly enormous residence, with towers and gardens. A palace, really.
     “And here is your home,” says St. Peter. He turns to go, but the owner grabs his arm.
     “Wait a minute,” says the owner. “It’s very nice. Too nice. Much nicer than the priest’s home or the senator’s home — why?”
     “Oh that’s simple,” says St. Peter, with an angelic smile. “We get lots of priests here, and even a few senators. But you’re the first newspaper owner who ever made it to heaven.”
     I think Jim Tyree, who liked a joke and a beer, might chuckle at that. Condolences to his family and many friends.
     Rest in peace.
   — Originally published in the Sun-Times, March 17, 2011