Driverless cars racing toward us

A Waymo driverless taxi on the street in Phoenix last week.

   At the Clark gas station in Berea, Ohio, the attendant, Jack, would check the oil in our Ford station wagon, squeegee the windows, pump the gas, then thank my mother for stopping by while handing each of us kids in the back seat a stick of gum.
     As nice as that was, turns out that customers like my mother would happily fire Jack to save 5 cents a gallon. Not that we were ever asked. He just vanished. Too bad; I kinda liked Jack.
     Then again, I liked telephone operators, department store clerks — my grandmother was one, at the May Co. — elevator operators and bank tellers. That last group lingers past their sell-by date — my bank typically has one teller on duty, and I will stride past open ATMs to wait in line for the brief pleasant human interaction, trying to forestall the unavoidable day when I walk over to the window and it’ll be shuttered.
     People are expensive, and getting the heave-ho everywhere possible. When I went through the huge Amazon fulfillment center in Monee, my heart didn’t break for the human workers, eyes locked on video screens, arms flying like demented octopi to grab items from seven-foot-tall revolving robot pods to toss into passing cardboard boxes. Rather, I nodded grimly, watched the clockwork efficiency of those pods, and wondered whether the humans would be utterly gone from Amazon warehouses in 10 years — or five.
     Or, about the same time an A.I. program will spit out newspaper columns finely calibrated to the ideal comfort/outrage ratio to keep readers coming back — or would, if anyone wanted such a thing, if they weren’t all staring transfixed at an endless algorithm loop of car crashes, seductive dances and clips from “The Sopranos.”
     Until then, each new step into our brave new world feels significant. It was last Friday, visiting my son in Phoenix that, at 7th and Van Buren, I noticed a passing white car, drawn by the round apparatus on its roof topped with some kind of spinning device. I looked inside, and was not surprised by what I saw — or, rather, didn’t see: no driver.
     “That’s so weird!” I said.

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Thirteen takeaways from the first Republican Presidential Debate

     Yeah, I sat in front of the television for two hours Wednesday night and watched eight GOP hopefuls talk over each other. Because ... well ... I was curious. I wanted to see what transpired. In case you were lucky enough to have had something better to do, and missed it, here are a baker's dozen worth of bullet points:

     1. It wasn't the utter crazy clown show that Democrats expected, or perhaps just hoped for. No low point of utter cringing horror, at least not one that stood out against a background of standard Republican ideological bilge. The absence of one Donald J. Trump no doubt was a factor there.
     2. Unless you count the moment no hands going up when the group was asked if anybody believed climate change is real, and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis demanded they "debate" the matter instead. That moment might linger in history.
     3. Thirty eight year old wackjob/businessman Vivek Ramaswamy promptly pronounced "climate change is a hoax,” and claimed, vis a vis nothing, that "more people are dying of bad climate change policies than they are of actual climate change.” In general, Ramaswamy was an incandescent spotlight of batshittery, confidently airing a variety of specious theories and crazed policy proposals, and was probably the big winner of the night, if drawing attention to yourself, your destructive hopes and fierce, misplaced self-regard can be considered winning.         4. Mike Pence was the other winner. Yes, he invoked his personal lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and promised to put Him in the driver's seat of the White House, without ever explaining where the Prince of Peace was when Pence was curled in the lap of Donald Trump, nodding along with his every enormity. But Pence did radiate a certain strength, perhaps just a lack of shrillness that was a welcome change of pace. He also said he was "incredibly proud of the Trump-Pence administration" except, one assumes, the part trying to overthrow the American democratic system.
     5. "Our country is in decline" were the first words out of DeSantis' twisted mouth — now there's a winning political strategy — and in general the creepy Florida governor further buffed his brand as a man so awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin he can't even execute a smile. Not to mention being an idiot who promised to send the military to invade Mexico "on Day One."And blowing the anti-Semite dog whistle, "George Soros." Twice. In closing, each candidate was asked to explain, in 45 seconds, how he would inspire a weary nation, and when it was DeSantis' turn he just stood there, staring into the camera, until prompted a second time to speak. The other candidates had to actually say something to make sentient viewers cringe. DeSantis just had to be on camera, blinking and smirking and bobbing his head.
     6.  Pence said, "Joe Biden has weakened this country at home and abroad," which is rich coming from Donald Trump's second banana.
     7. Fox moderators Martha Maccallum and Bret Baier barely kept control over the night. They made Megyn Kelly seem like Walter Cronkite. 
     8. Former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley said, "Is climate change real? Yes it is," but failed to weigh in on the question of whether the sky is blue.

     9. Someone should tell these Republicans that the reason a woman needs the right to an abortion up to the time of birth is if the baby she is carrying is dead, or has such massive deformities that it will die shortly after birth. Nobody has an abortion in the eighth month because they're afraid their child will grow up to be Ron DeSantis, though that seems a valid reason.
     10. Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was the only one to speak forcefully about Donald Trump. "Someone's got to stop normalizing this conduct," he said. The crowd booed.
     11. While the candidates railed against China as the central enemy of the United States, one of the sponsors of the broadcast was TikTok, the Chinese-owned social media platform. 
     12. Other than China, public school teachers' unions are the central dark force undermining life in the United States. South Carolina Tim Scott promised to "break the backs of the teachers' unions," echoing Ramaswamy. Christie called them "the biggest threat to our country."
     13. Donald Trump will crush them all.

 

Unlike hell, you can return from Phoenix

    Chicagoans, nestled in the bosom of the greatest city on earth, have limited interest in the bland nowheres beyond its borders. Therefore, as a columnist for Chicago’s preeminent daily newspaper, I try not to bore Chicago readers with places that aren’t Chicago and therefore don’t really matter.
     However. With temperatures in Chicago predicted to hit 100 degrees Wednesday, I feel obligated to share my recent experience in a certain sun-blasted city, despite it not being Chicago.
     Specifically, Phoenix.
     If you know one thing about Phoenix — and who doesn’t? — you know it is very, very hot. Surpassing 110 degrees for 31 consecutive days this summer. Fate dictated I fly there last week.
     Going to Phoenix in August must seem mad. In my defense, it was one of those duties parents sometimes find themselves shouldering, in this case delivering a cat to its owner, a young man associated with the federal judiciary there.
     While I did consider simply landing, handing over the beloved pet, then catching the next fight home — it is Phoenix, after all — that seemed a failure of imagination. Besides, there was a single aspect of Phoenician life I was curious about: the temperature. What must that be like? The hottest I’ve endured as a resident of Chicago was 105 on July 13, 1995. I still remember walking one block to the dry cleaners, then returning to our apartment on Pine Grove Avenue and lying down, utterly drained. 

     But 111 degrees is ... not bad, particularly if you are lounging by a pool. Yes, the concrete is too hot to step upon with bare feet, the metal rail leading into the water too hot to touch. But once you are submerged up to your chin, 111 degrees is just fine. It is, as they say, a dry heat.
     Beyond the heat, I couldn’t imagine what else Phoenix might offer. An art museum of some sort, no doubt. But so vastly inferior to the Art Institute that going would just be sad. Third-rate works by familiar names, larded with forgettable local efforts. I never considered going.
     As my host drove me around, showing off the Sandra Day O’Connor United States Courthouse — quite beautiful — Phoenix unfolded, a rather uninspiring hodgepodge of junior colleges and welding supply yards, interspersed with occasional streets of high-rises of the most anodyne architecture imaginable. Occasional silhouettes of mountains in the background, trying to add interest. It was as if someone shuffled together Franklin Park and Central Station and began dealing cards.

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Watch your aft

The life rafts are in the two big overhead compartments aft, or behind, the wing exits.

     Flying is not the special event it was when we'd take a plane to visit my grandmother in New York City, and I'd be escorted up to the pilot to receive my golden Pan Am wings. But it still is a journey, a process of imagined significance, and I try to pay attention. Even to the pre-flight safety spiel, which is tuned out so routinely by regular air travelers that it starts with a little plea to pay attention.

     I do. Pay attention, that is. Set aside my magazine, look up from my iPhone. Out of politeness for the human being standing a few feet in front of me, and from a personal interest in small differences.
     For instance, I noticed last week, flying to Phoenix, that the attendant now stipulates that only one alcoholic beverage can be ordered at a time, and no outside hooch can be consumed on the plane — no doubt a reaction to the rising number of booze-fueled assaults on flight attendants as our social fabric frays to a pile of thread and rags. The obvious solution would be to end sale of alcohol on flights, but that would leave money on the table, and airlines just can't do that, which is part of what has wrecked air travel. So it can't be that big of a problem.
     I also noticed a particular nautical term — "aft" — I'd never heard before in the pre-flight talk. Mentioned twice, in reference to where we might find life rafts. In two overhead compartments, "aft of the wing exits." Not that there would be much call for rafts between Chicago and Phoenix. And the raft storage lockers were obvious enough, hanging from the cabin ceiling above the aisle. Still, I wondered how many passengers knew that "aft" refers to the area of a ship toward the stern, or back, the place where the tiller or propellers would be, as opposed to "fore," which is the bow, or the front of a vessel. I'm all for using uncommon words; just maybe not in the emergency instructions. "Disembark expeditiously from the aircraft..."

     It might be worth mentioning that when the airline industry began, a century ago, its terminology was borrowed from sailing. Thus airports and airliners, not to forget pilots (a pilot guides a ship into harbor), galleys, cabins, etc. Planes were initially given names, like ships, and christened with a bottle of champagne broken over the propeller hub. 
     Though to me, the most striking thing about the flight was the facial expression of the attendants. A general exhausted, zombified look as they droned the snack choices — fruit snacks or a 30 calorie quinoa chocolate wafer — to one row, then the next, then the next. Staffing is a problem everywhere — our flight home was delayed an hour while a replacement pilot skedaddled over from Los Angeles — and I figure airline attendants are more overworked than ever, not to forget the aforementioned abuse. 

      That also used to be different. It didn't happen often. But there used to sometimes be a sparkle, a smile, a very human interchange between air traveler and airline staff. Or at least a realistic facsimile of such a thing. I suppose the day will come soon when we fly standing up, hanging on support bars, with beverages shot into our mouths from spigots. So I guess the thing to do now is to appreciate the human touch, such as it is, while it's still here, sort of. Human staff are expensive and won't be around forever.

    

He's never going away.

"Hell Hounds Rallying Round the Idol of France," by Thomas Rowlandson 
(Metropolitan Museum of Art)

      It's the whining that most exasperates me. Don't they ever tire of it? Yes, Donald Trump is famous for the lies that firehose out of his mouth, as easily as he draws breath and almost as often.
     But it's the constant complaining that drives me mad, if I didn't tune it out — I can't imagine watching Trump's interview this Wednesday with Tucker Carlson, his half-clever way of drawing whatever scant interest there might be away from the first Republican presidential debate, a gathering of gnats, all of whom, with the exception of born-again Chris Christie, can't even muster the internal fortitude to string together a few critical words against the liar and bully, fraud and traitor whom they would defeat.
     Republicans obviously want that kind of thing, though again, it boggles the mind as to why. It would be bad enough to gawp at the destruction of American democracy for a Julius Caesar. To yield your vote and the protection of a functioning judicial system in favor of Alexander the Great.
     But for this guy? That enormous baby, moaning and bellyaching. Waving a series of bogeymen over his head — mommy, Muslims are frightening me! Waaa, I can't sleep because trans people are using the toilet! Poor me! The deep state is hurting me! The world is rigged against me! It's unfaiiiiiir!!!!

     Remember, he was going on about the election being fixed in 2016, in case he lost. His squeaking past Hillary Clinton — but her emails! — shut that up, until 2020, when he actually did lose. Then the fig leaf he's slapped over every defeat he's ever experienced — the game was fixed, because that's the only way I can ever lose! — went from passing lie to an eternal, constantly-parroted verity of the Republican Party. Most Republicans believe, vis a vis nothing, that Joe Biden did not legitimately win the presidency. And yet they still participate in elections; you'd think, having been cheated in some ineffable way they can't explain, never mind prove, they'd give up on elections. And go straight to force and violence. Which is kinda where they are heading now.

     This is our new reality. Even when Trump passes from the scene — at 95, surrounded by toadies and handlers and mistresses and enablers — these mini-Trumps will ape him, trying to duplicate his success. At least when we die, and go to hell, we'll know exactly what to expect.

Vovomeena

     As a rule, I don't think much of slogans and truisms, particularly when offered in a commercial setting.

     However, this billboard, outside Vovomeena, the place where my son and I had breakfast in central Phoenix Friday morning, caught my fancy. Not an especially profound sentiment, perhaps. But true, and useful. Something to bear in mind, or try to, particularly as politics keep fracturing and the fate of our democracy teeters in the balance. I don't recall ever seeing it stated so plainly. You tend to want to feed stupid, mean, toxic people back their own stupidity, meanness  and toxicity— that seems like justice. But it really only brings you down to their level. Besides, they're better at it. They've had more practice. Believe me, as a newspaper columnist, I've often had the experience of responding instinctively to some base abuse, wait for the reaction, and realize that, duh, once again I've been out-stupided by an idiot.
     Maybe having just tucked into an excellent breakfast made me in a more receptive mood. The service was first rate, the setting, relaxed and lovely. Being on vacation, I indulged in a $19.95 smoked pork chop, sitting on a homemade waffle topped with apple-maple syrup and a layer of scrambled eggs and accompanied by a Portuguese donut. (The unusual name of the restaurant, Vovomeena, is a tribute to owner D.J. Fernandes' grandmother; "vovó" is Portuguese for "grandmother" and his is named "Meena."). 

    A lot of food, and I left behind a good deal of the eggs and waffle. But ate every bit of that pork chop, which was juicy and delicious. Breakfast held me all day — lunch was a whole grapefruit supplemented by a package of dried fruit and nuts from Starbucks, plus a cranberry juice cocktail on the plane. I'll admit, Phoenix as a city did not immediately impart its charms to me — maybe my second visit this winter will unbox those. But Phoenicians, as they are indeed called,  sure know how to serve food. Every single meal was a treat.

There's a really good smoked pork chop hiding under all that.

The freedom to say, "Stick 'em up!"

    Let's say I rob a bank. Nothing fancy. Nylon stocking over my head. Gun in my hand. Rush up to the window, point the gun at the trembling teller and say, "Stick 'em up! Gimme all the money."
     At which point I'm immediately arrested, as criminals often are. They're not geniuses, very stable or otherwise. Quite dumb really. An off-duty cop, in line behind me, makes the nab. I'm cuffed, led away.
     At my trial, my lawyer arises and airily begins my defense: "The First Amendment is the bedrock of our American freedoms. Take it away, and the rest of our quality of life crumbles. As free citizens, we are within our rights to make all sorts of statements: 'Down with the government!' or 'We need a new constitution' or 'Gimme all the money!' How sad a day it would be, when a simple imperative sentence considered against the law. Not eloquent, perhaps, not fully formed 'Give me all of the money, please,' we might prefer. But still a statement of entreaty, a request, one that no man should be prosecuted over...."
     How well would that argument go over?
     Not well, I'd imagine. Not in a world of sanity and fairness which, sad to say, we seem to be slipping away from.
     Because there are Donald Trump's lawyers, trying to frame his alleged plot to overthrow American democracy as a free speech issue. These were legitimate questions being asked by a responsible leader. A polite inquiry into the election process.
      "It attacks his ability to advocate for a political position, which is covered under the First Amendment," Trump attorney John Lauro told PBS. A political position of pressuring individual election officials, one-on-one, to overturn the election, dozens of failed lawsuits, constant airing of claims he absolutely knew to be untrue ("You're too honest," Trump told Mike Pence).
     "All of that is protected speech."
     As with any conspiracy theory, he scrapes together a ragtag bag of allegations and innuendo, fantasy and prevarication, and presents them all as a cohesive whole.
     Is there a fraud who would not use that argument?
     "My client, your honor, is not the quack peddling Neil Steinberg's Cancer-B-Gone Elixer that the prosecution just described, but a man of honor, asking legitimate questions about the medical establishment and offering a possible cure in the form of his $100-a-bottle pyramid program, which is not the 'pathetic scheme' outlined in the charges, but a growing, promising field of legitimate research in the medical community, Wishfulfillmentarianism, where the natural, innate engines of gullibility within the psyche of the patient are harnessed to promote good health..."
     We'd laugh if any other cheap crook tried it. But when Donald Trump does the exact same thing, as much as we'd like to laugh, we can't. Because too many people take this idiocy seriously for it to be funny.