Thirteen takeaways from the first Republican Presidential Debate

     Yeah, I sat in front of the television for two hours Wednesday night and watched eight GOP hopefuls talk over each other. Because ... well ... I was curious. I wanted to see what transpired. In case you were lucky enough to have had something better to do, and missed it, here are a baker's dozen worth of bullet points:

     1. It wasn't the utter crazy clown show that Democrats expected, or perhaps just hoped for. No low point of utter cringing horror, at least not one that stood out against a background of standard Republican ideological bilge. The absence of one Donald J. Trump no doubt was a factor there.
     2. Unless you count the moment no hands going up when the group was asked if anybody believed climate change is real, and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis demanded they "debate" the matter instead. That moment might linger in history.
     3. Thirty eight year old wackjob/businessman Vivek Ramaswamy promptly pronounced "climate change is a hoax,” and claimed, vis a vis nothing, that "more people are dying of bad climate change policies than they are of actual climate change.” In general, Ramaswamy was an incandescent spotlight of batshittery, confidently airing a variety of specious theories and crazed policy proposals, and was probably the big winner of the night, if drawing attention to yourself, your destructive hopes and fierce, misplaced self-regard can be considered winning.         4. Mike Pence was the other winner. Yes, he invoked his personal lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and promised to put Him in the driver's seat of the White House, without ever explaining where the Prince of Peace was when Pence was curled in the lap of Donald Trump, nodding along with his every enormity. But Pence did radiate a certain strength, perhaps just a lack of shrillness that was a welcome change of pace. He also said he was "incredibly proud of the Trump-Pence administration" except, one assumes, the part trying to overthrow the American democratic system.
     5. "Our country is in decline" were the first words out of DeSantis' twisted mouth — now there's a winning political strategy — and in general the creepy Florida governor further buffed his brand as a man so awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin he can't even execute a smile. Not to mention being an idiot who promised to send the military to invade Mexico "on Day One."And blowing the anti-Semite dog whistle, "George Soros." Twice. In closing, each candidate was asked to explain, in 45 seconds, how he would inspire a weary nation, and when it was DeSantis' turn he just stood there, staring into the camera, until prompted a second time to speak. The other candidates had to actually say something to make sentient viewers cringe. DeSantis just had to be on camera, blinking and smirking and bobbing his head.
     6.  Pence said, "Joe Biden has weakened this country at home and abroad," which is rich coming from Donald Trump's second banana.
     7. Fox moderators Martha Maccallum and Bret Baier barely kept control over the night. They made Megyn Kelly seem like Walter Cronkite. 
     8. Former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley said, "Is climate change real? Yes it is," but failed to weigh in on the question of whether the sky is blue.

     9. Someone should tell these Republicans that the reason a woman needs the right to an abortion up to the time of birth is if the baby she is carrying is dead, or has such massive deformities that it will die shortly after birth. Nobody has an abortion in the eighth month because they're afraid their child will grow up to be Ron DeSantis, though that seems a valid reason.
     10. Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was the only one to speak forcefully about Donald Trump. "Someone's got to stop normalizing this conduct," he said. The crowd booed.
     11. While the candidates railed against China as the central enemy of the United States, one of the sponsors of the broadcast was TikTok, the Chinese-owned social media platform. 
     12. Other than China, public school teachers' unions are the central dark force undermining life in the United States. South Carolina Tim Scott promised to "break the backs of the teachers' unions," echoing Ramaswamy. Christie called them "the biggest threat to our country."
     13. Donald Trump will crush them all.