Gay Pride Month already? It does creep up. Not being gay myself, I can't have much pride in the gay department. But I am proud of how the vicissitudes of gay life have been reflected in my column. I am what is sometimes called "an ally," though I prefer to think of myself as a sentient, caring person who has mastered the empathy-with-others-unlike-yourself trick that eludes many, if not most, folks.
I hope this is still worth rereading, for the way I lay out the argument which, alas, remains relevant today. And yes, I was curious about my use of "boinking" in the first sentence. Checking, in the hope that my usage was some kind of hapax legomenon* in the Sun-Times, I found that, alas, it was not, but had been deployed before me by Roger Ebert, Judy Markey and Richard Roeper, who introduced the term to our readership in 1988 by noting: "Donna Rice becomes famous for boinking Gary Hart."
So marriage is all about boinking?
Forgive me for being blunt — lucky you didn’t read the above before I watered down the gerund, out of concern for your sensibilities. But that idea — sex = marriage — is the gist of the letter you sent to the faithful last weekend: Marriage is about sex, gays can’t have sex, at least not good old-fashioned heterosexual sex, thus gays can’t get married, and any attempt to allow them to marry — for instance, any new law passed in Illinois — is a “legal fiction” and a “serious danger”; oh wait, the “serious danger” part is in your second letter, to government officials, urging them to follow your religious dogma when forming laws for the State of Illinois.
Where does one begin?
First, Cardinal, thank you for your insight. Given that I have been married — 22 years and counting — and you haven’t, perhaps you wouldn’t mind if I reply to your letters with a letter of my own. Letters are so friendly.
I should be clear at the get-go, since so many readers have such a hard time with this: I am not Catholic, and my concern is not about what Catholics do or don’t do in practicing their own religion. It’s a free country, sort of, and all may follow whatever faith they like. As the leader of Chicago Catholics, you have a duty to tell your flock what being a good Catholic means. And were that the extent of your letters, I’d never dream of arguing. It would be none of my business.
But that is not what you’re doing. What you’re doing is instructing Catholics to pressure legislators, and pressuring them yourself, joined by like-minded clerics, to craft laws that force non-Catholics to follow Catholic doctrine. That makes it everybody’s business. It is the right — I would say duty — of non-Catholics to resist religious notions being imposed on Illinoisans through law.
In an attempt to justify an unjustifiable intrusion of religion into secular life, you write, in your letter, “Marriage comes to us from nature” — one of the wilder statements to issue from a prelate, which is saying a lot. “The human species comes in two complementary sexes, male and female” — no argument here — “their sexual union is called marital.”
Really? By whom? Because people nowadays mate like ferrets, while fewer call it “marital.” What comes to us from nature is not marriage but sex. Some species do indeed mate for life, but that is the exception, not the rule. Biologists say it isn’t fidelity, but random copulation that comes from nature.
Surely, Cardinal George, you are not endorsing random copulation, natural though it may be. Rather, this is the latest in a long history of the church trying to control sex — first straight sex, and now that effort has fizzled, roundly rejected by both society and most Catholics, you’re focusing on gays, perhaps because you can or you think you can.
You worry, in your letters, not about the families you would blithely squelch, but about your own feelings, the risk that devout Catholics will be seen as “the equivalent of bigots” after gay marriage becomes completely accepted — which it certainly will.
Well, yeah, that’s the drawback of being a bigot, no matter how you gild it in theology. But worry not — look at the church’s stance on females. While society long ago let them be doctors and lawyers and, yes, even clergy, the church refuses to follow suit. Yet it lives with the anti-women stigma just fine. It’ll be no different with gays, and the church’s position will be just one more antiquated cruelty the world will tolerate. You’ll hardly notice.
Because marriage — and here you’ll have to listen to an old married guy — isn’t just about sex. Yes, that’s part of it. But someone who gets married for the sex is like someone who flies on an airplane for the meal — there are easier, cheaper ways to go about it.
Sex is not the central defining element of marriage — that would be commitment a.k.a. staying together, often raising children, sometimes cleaning the house, paying bills, talking quietly at night, having a relationship recognized by society and law, a vessel solid enough to navigate the tempests and calms, storms and lassitudes of the years. Marriage is about love and responsibility. And here homosexuals are on an even playing field with straights. Yet here you are mum — as if, because you don’t see them, they’re not here.
But they are here, and you’re hurting them, or trying to. Religion is a tool — a hammer that can be used to build a house or to hit someone in the head. Your choice. Rather than try to make life better for gays — a long-oppressed group only now achieving freedoms most take for granted — you choose to set your faith as a stumbling block before them. Rather than help the more hidebound members of your church see why this is rightly happening now, you vigorously rally them to desperate, last-ditch resistance. That is your misfortune, and theirs, and ours.
With respect,
Neil Steinberg
—Originally published in the Sun-Times, January 4, 2013
* "Hapax legomenon" is Greek for "being said once," a term used to denote a word used once in a particular body of literature. For instance, in the Torah, God tells Noah to make his ark out of atzei gopher (עֲצֵי-גֹפֶר) or "gopher wood," a term that does not appear anywhere else in the Hebrew Bible.
Thank you for this column. The hate hasn’t gone away, yet this is timeless. Recent comments by Pope Francis have saddened me, and I don’t believe that it was a slip of the tongue. As a Catholic, I do believe that Jesus would not approve. He wants ALL of us to know God’s love. Anyone who says otherwise is just plain wrong.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant in all respects, thank you.
ReplyDeleteGood column. I, too, consider myself an ally. My Pride flag flies alongside my American flag, which I refuse to cede to right-wing "patriots".
ReplyDeleteI also refuse to cede morality to old men who believe a 2,000 year old mythology gives them dominion. On that issue, my favorite bumper sticker says it all: "Religion --- the original fake news".
Bravo!
ReplyDeleteExcellent. Perhaps what the Cardinal really feared was exactly what happened. As gays and lesbians decided to get married they, not surprisingly, planned weddings. Weddings where they invited the whole family and sometimes their co-workers and those people's "plus ones." Weddings with ring bearers and bridesmaids and, yes, even clergy. The great aunts and cousins and "plus ones" who came to those weddings found they felt the same teary-eyed love they felt at straight weddings. Probably they hadn't been outright bigots before the wedding, but more likely they'd been on the fence, or just didn't understand what all the fuss was about, or why it was such a big deal when they could have domestic partnerships anyway, or just felt sort of icky about it all. But after the wedding they understood and all over the country new allies emerged. Love is love indeed.
ReplyDeleteThis is exquisite re content and the art of writing! Could you please send a similar message to the Supreme Court?
ReplyDeleteWow! One of your more thought provoking offerings. I’m curious, did you ever get a response from the Cardinal?
ReplyDeleteNo, of course not. Though remember he was not well, and died two years later.
DeleteWell as I have said before, u should be syndicated. I of course agree w u & while not wishing to trivialize the importance of the core message in your letter must say I found ur analogy of "sex" & an "airplane" meal..a real highlight. As a straight married man one who identifies as a Christian ( but not Catholic as my ex nun wife is) I am flumoxed by the obsession many Christians have w sex. My guess is sex represents feelings they do not wish to have; or they have feelings they know wil lead to sex...they don't want...or fear they will enjoy. I had the opportunity to have lunch w Cardinal George at a Rotary Meeting & he was a rather uptight gent when questioned about women becoming priests. He was a man of fear I think. Open the gate just a little & then who knows what might rush in. Marriage is many things & ur correct, sex is but one. Straight or gay who should care but the people in a given equal, consensual relationship..
DeleteAnd if Americans are as unintelligent as I fear they might be there is an excellent chance that the “Good Old Days” will be returning in a flood. But somehow I find it hard to believe that the “others” will quietly accept becoming second or even third class citizens again. After having tasted what freedom they have had in the last few years I expect a rather riotous response to any attempt to pack them out of sight again.
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteI freaking love this and the comments
ReplyDeleteI have never read a so-called argument against gay marriage that didn't boil down to "gays are icky and I don't like them." We can't make policy based on people's prejudices, no matter how strong those prejudices are or what guise they come in.
ReplyDeleteHow could the Catholic Church deign marriage of two consenting adults a sin but turn blind and deaf to the abuse of children by priests? How could one have faith in such an institution? Why does organized religion regulate the sex lives of it's followers but embrace violence when used to meet its own goals?
ReplyDeleteIf you are going to continue to use logic and common sense in you comments we are just going to have to stop listening to you.
DeleteDefinitely one for your Best of Every Goddamn Day book.
ReplyDeleteAnd you may want to get cracking’ on that; may need Volume 2.
DeleteAnd this column should run in Pride month, Every Goddamn Year.
Hear! Hear! Your column is not dated at all. Yes, I saw the religious haters with microphones condemning the thousands of us out and about on Santa Monica Blvd last night. feeling pride in our lives and in our friends and allies. Haters are gonna hate. There were fewer this year. They die off like dust in the wind.
ReplyDeletewow! I started to comment on how relevant this column remains, even 11 yrs later. Then realized its even MORE relevant now. Thanks for this flashback!
ReplyDeleteExcellent, excellent, excellent. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteBravissimo, Mr. S! This is all new to me, as I was not involved with EGD in 2013. Both my wife and I have a number of gay relatives on both sides of our respective families. We are staunch and supportive allies--and were so long before we ever heard of the term for what we proudly are.
ReplyDeleteLove and marriage are neither straight nor gay. They are universally human. One does not choose, at a certain age, to be of either orientation. It is destined from birth. We are who we are. And we love those whom we choose to love. "If you are not personally free to be yourself in that most important of all human activities--the expression of love--then life itself loses its meaning." Harvey Milk said that.
I highly recommend a 2013 documentary about the relationship between two young and unmarried gay men. It was released around the same time that Mr. S originally wrote this column. The film is called "Bridegroom"...but its title didn't come from what you might think. "Bridegroom" chronicles the story of Shane Crone and his partner, Thomas Lee "Tom" Bridegroom, whose budding Hollywood career ended when he died accidentally and needlessly in 2011. He fell from a rooftop--while taking selfies for a Facebook page.
After the fatal accident, Crone found himself cut off, and deprived of any legal protection. The film documents the struggles Crone faced after Bridegroom's death, including the family not allowing Crone to attend the funeral of his partner. Threats were made on his life, and the family even conspired to murder him at the funeral. Which, for the record, took place in Culver, Indiana...just in case you ever happen to have any business there. Don't say you weren't warned.
"Bridegroom" moved me to tears. Not long before I saw it, a gay cousin of mine had also lost her partner in a tragic accident. See it if you can. Anyone who is still on the fence about gay marriage and gay rights will no longer be there after viewing this film.
thanks for this terrific piece. As a Catholic-entire education thru grad school-all the sacraments etc etc. I was so yhopeful when this pope was elected. I said to a friend, he's a Jesuit from Latin America and more liberal. I truly thought they would slowly allow priests to marry, have worm priests and gays accepted.But at the first press conference PoeFrancis had he was asked about women priest and he said, "That door is closed." Thus, mine too. I am done with the Church. It will slowly disappear as it has in England-the first post Christian nation. None of our kids, nephews, nieces, etc go to mass although all were baptized, first communion etc. WE don't either.
ReplyDeleteGentle wisdom. The airplane meal analogy alone [BIG LOL] was worth the price of admission. I will quote you...with attribution of course.
ReplyDeleteThe Catholic Church is a pyramid scheme. Sex is only allowed if its results in a child being born - which in turn brings more population to the scheme. I would think they would support IVF - maybe if it’s blessed Catholic sperm and ovums it could get approved.
ReplyDeleteInteresting comments on a thoughtful (and well- printed) column ... I did miss it the first round. My favorite sentence might be this: "Religion is a tool — a hammer that can be used to build a house or to hit someone in the head."
ReplyDeleteBravo Neil, and thank you.
ReplyDelete