Flashback 1998: "Snoopy in a blender"

    

Photo by "DiscoverWithDima."

     "Didn't you originate that?" my wife asked at breakfast earlier this week. "'Snoopy in a blender'?"
     She was reading about Dubuffet's 29-foot-tall, black and white monstrosity, Monument with Standing Beast, being removed from in front of the Thompson Center. I thought hard.

     "I might have been the first person to put it into print," I said. "But I think I was quoting someone else."
    Generally, claiming to be the first to coin a word or phrase is a fool's game. You're usually wrong, an earlier citation is quickly found and pinned on you like a Christmas ornament. Even if you're correct, it's a prize not worth winning. Nobody cares. I remember the pride Bob Greene took in coining ... what? "Yuppie" I think. A term that hasn't stood the test of time. It's like being proud of coming up with "daddy-O." 
     The Monument with Standing Beast Wikipedia page claims, "The sculpture is affectionately known to many Chicagoans as 'Snoopy in a blender.'" Though looking at the references cited I had to ask, incredulously, "How would they know? Did they conduct a poll?"   
      I searched "Snoopy in a blender" on the Sun-Times database and came up with the first reference in "Guide to Chicago Cruises," a fun, June 28, 1998 report written by yours truly about the various boats offering cruises from Navy Pier and the Chicago River — talk about a tough assignment. (It had to be an assignment; even I lack the chutzpah to suggest something like that: "Yeah chief, why don't I take every boat tour offered on Navy Pier? That's the ticket! And when I'm done, I can evaluate every fruity drink sold on the pier...").
     The structure of the story was sort of fun. Here's an example:

Seadog I
Owner: Sea Dog Speed Boat Rides, (312) 822-7200.
Other boat: Seadog II
Location: Navy Pier, 3rd berth
What you pay: $13
What you get: 30-minute tour with a powerful, 2,000 horsepower boat zipping around the lake at speeds of up to 40 miles per hour.
Where you go: Up to North Avenue Beach.
The good part: Loud music, the feeling of going really fast.
The bad part: Abrasive, Ed-Debevic's-waitresslike shtick on part of crew. Also, morbid thoughts of that poor woman who got her lower leg cut off.
Kids? Tots only if being punished. Great for thrill-seeking teens.
Noteworthy error in tour: Claimed the Lindbergh Beacon "guided Lindbergh into Chicago on his flight around the world."

     The line about a "poor woman" referred to Kathleen Rooney, 35, who was swimming off North Avenue Beach in 1997 when the Seadog powered over her, amputating right leg mid-calf. In 2001, a Cook County jury awarded her $10 million for her injuries.
     The guide sails aboard 14 boats — geez, I was energetic — and weighs in at nearly two thousand words. I'll spare you the details of long-vanished cruise experiences. The phrase in question is said during a tour, not off Navy Pier, but aboard Dells-like duck boats on the North Branch of the river:

Mallard
Owner: Chicago Trolley Co., (312) 461-1133.
Other boats: Huey, Louie, Howard and Disco.
Location: Clark and Ontario (the parking lot of the Rock 'n' Roll McDonald's).
What you pay: $20 for adults; $10 for kids.
What you get: a 90-minute land; water tour of the city on a World War II-vintage amphibious craft.
Where you go: Down Clark Street, through the Loop, down Michigan to Burnham Harbor, into the water down to McCormick Place, then back up Lake Shore Drive.
The good part: Friendly employees exhibit occasionally flashes of actual humor (guide referred to the Thompson Center's Dubuffet as "Snoopy in a blender.") Novelty of an amphibious vehicle.
The bad part: Faux-Letterman shtick grew weary after a while; supposed 90-minute tour clocked in at about an hour.
Kids? Just make sure they keep their arms inside when the boat passes close to those wooden uprights at the Burnham Harbor ramp.
Noteworthy error in tour: Claimed Christopher Columbus was born in Chicago, though in jest.

     It's hard to prove a negative. "Snoopy in a blender" didn't appear in the Tribune until 2014. Maybe the nameless tour guide made it up. Maybe he read it or heard it somewhere else. If the EGD Irregulars want to have at it, to try to dig up an earlier reference, well, go for it. The monstrosity first went up in 1984. It's on its way to the Art Institute of Chicago now, supposedly. But if they choose to stash it in a warehouse, well, they'll get no complaint from me. 

Student protesters hold their breath, turn blue, waiting for the intractability of Gaza to resolve itself

"Untitled, 2018," by Nick Cave.

     In an ideal world, I'd throw down my yo-yo story today, with a firm snap of the wrist. I've done my interviews and research, plus hands-on practice. There's both a strong Chicago connection, and an unanticipated tie-in to Asian American Heritage Month — "yo-yo" is Tagalog for ...
     Then again, in an ideal world, life would be proceeding uneventfully in Gaza and college students in the United States would be doing what students usually do in May: study, party, and pack their steamer trunks for home.
     But we do not live in that ideal world, obviously. Even a person as determinedly trivial as myself can't laud yo-yos with all this sound and fury across the country.
     I should say something. But what? What have I to add on this topic beyond the same unwelcome question I've been asking for years? Or as I wrote over a decade ago:
     "What happens next?
     "A child’s question, really, something naive, blurted out when the tale goes on too long. Cut to the chase, Daddy. How does the story end?
     "The last time I bothered talking to Israeli leaders in Chicago — more than two years ago — I sat down with the then consul general and trotted that question out, my device for cutting through the endless seesawing of blame. Forget blame, forget history — that’s done, the rope both sides use to play tug-of-war as the years roll by and nothing happens. Stipulate history as having occurred; what about now?"
     The students shutting down colleges coast-to-coast certainly have their candidates for what should happen, right now, before they turn blue: a cease-fire and divestment from Israel. They're so vigorously insisting this must happen, the question of whether those steps would do any good never seems to cross their minds.
     A cease-fire, while helpful for getting food to a starving population and stopping slaughter, temporarily, won't mean much if it's a brief break before the killing resumes. A cease-fire with Hamas still in power just lights the fuse on the next attack. Not a concern to protesters, some of whom don't seem to think Israel should exist in the first place — and why is that? — never mind defend itself now.
    Students can show long-term strategic thinking when it comes to their own lives— all the face coverings remind us they'll be looking for jobs in the fall — but fail at granting the empathy they lavish on themselves to anyone else.
    And disinvestment is a very long-term solution to an immediate crisis — like sitting on the curb while your house burns down, thumbing your phone, ordering fire extinguishers on Amazon.

     The hard truth is divesting wouldn't even help much down the road. Do the math. In 2023, the cumulative total of American university endowments was $839 billion. And the stock market is worth $50 trillion. Making the investments held by U.S. colleges about 1.6% of the total U.S. financial markets. So if every single American university immediately pulled every single dime of their investments from companies involved with Israel or the Israeli military, it would affect the economic health of Israel not much, and the war in Gaza even less. Years in the future.

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An apology to Mrs. Gifreda

My tulips were particularly lovely this year.

      Mrs. Gifreda lived at the end of our street, at the corner of Carteret Court and Whitehall. She had a beautiful lawn, thick like a green hairbrush, without weed or brown patch or blemish. I have a vague memory of Mrs. Gifreda crawling across this verdant carpet, deploying garden tools. Maybe a hat of some sort, tied with  a scarf. I don't believe I ever stepped on her lawn, not once in 20 years of walking past. We weren't afraid of her. We were in awe.

     That's it. I'm sure she had a first name, but never knew it, and Prof. Google is no help finding anything more now, beyond serving up a single matchbook for Gifreda Shoes, "The footwear of successful men." Perhaps she was a relation — how many Gifredas could there be in a small town? Maybe a reader in Berea, Ohio knows, but I doubt it. My sense is she was a solitary person — no husband, no family I can recall, which doesn't mean they didn't exist. A child is not a reliable witness.

    I asked my sister Debbie, older by three years, if she had any recollections of Mrs. Gifreda, and her memory mirrors mine:

   "Just how the only time I ever saw her was on her hands and knees on her lawn," she replied. "She was clearly obsessed with her lawn."   

     A common failing. Or maybe the failing was ours — the natural mistake of assuming that the visible part of other people's lives are all that's there. Maybe Mrs. Gifreda was a former WAC, with five grown kids. Maybe she baked pies and played the mandolin. We have no idea.

     While I am not obsessed with my lawn, yet, I am concerned, and people walking past my house might have seen me, on my knees, trying to get ahead of the springtime, digging up weeds, pulling the Creeping Charlie, planting grass seed — a very satisfying experience. And sometimes, if I am out there, salaaming as if in prayer, applying my energies lawnward, someone will pass by, one of the unknown persons who increasingly populate our neighborhood. 

     I do wonder how I appear to them. Weird old lawn guy. I know my house, with its piebald siding and homemade spire, sometimes frightens local children. "The Boo Radley House" is how one frank neighbor described it, referring to the enigmatic bogeyman/hero of "To Kill a Mockingbird." I bet they don't think that Mr. Lawncare has written nine books and might even write a 10th, once he gets this spurge out of his yard.

    Fastidiousness in grass nurture might not be the best thing to be remembered for. But it isn't the worst either and, despite not knowing her, I like to imagine that Mrs. Gifreda would be pleased that her diligence has taken on a life of its own, far beyond her own mortal passing. And if she actually wouldn't be pleased at seeing her life reduced to a single quality — who would? — well, my sincere apologies. 

    Correction: Through a production error, the caption of the photo atop today's blog might imply to some readers that I was somehow involved with planting the gorgeous bed of tulips depicted. While my tulips indeed did look lovely this year, those are not my tulips; they belong to the Chicago Botanic Garden. Reminding me of my favorite movie bits: Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau is checking into a hotel in a German seaside town. There is a dog resting by the clerk. "Does your dog bite?" he asks, reaching out to pet the beast. "No," the pipe-smoking clerk says simply. Clouseau reaches toward the dog's head. "Nice doggie," he says, as the beast leaps up, snarling and bites him. "I thought you said your dog did not bite!" Clouseau complains. "That is not my dog," the clerk replies.

These were the tulips in the box in front of our house.

Imaginary hells easier to escape than real ones.

A scene from "Dante: Inferno to Paradise," a film by Ric Burns.

     Dante Alighieri was in charge of widening roads in Florence at the end of the 13th century. I wish more people knew that. His masterpiece "Commedia" — the "Divine" part was tagged on much later — is so dominant in the public mind that the more practical aspects of his life are overlooked. He was a soldier, too.
     WTTW is trying to wave the flag for Dante, airing a two-part, four-hour film, "Dante: Inferno to Paradise." Several readers, knowing of my fondness for the dour Florentine poet, urged me to watch.
     Hmm ... I'm tempted to invoke Samuel Johnson's line about women delivering sermons and dogs walking on their hind legs: "It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all."      

     My general takeaway is, as with the Dante video game, anything that puts him on the radar is good.
     That said, I don't understand why the big budget CGI movie magic put behind flogging every minor character in the Marvel universe can't be spared for a story that has stayed firmly in the public eye for over 700 years.
     The production values are adequate on "Dante: Inferno to Paradise" in the way this past season the Lyric Opera diluted the grandeur of ancient Egypt into a stained green wall and three fluorescent lights. A generous audience can overlook it; but why should we have to?
     The trouble with Dante's book is that it is written with such verisimilitude that it's easy to think of him as a guy who went to hell and took notes. The WTTW movie slides into this trench, with a sulfurous, ooo-scary mood that reminded me of "Dark Shadows," the 1960s vampire soap opera.
     Given how few readers will run to watch the movie — I haven't finished watching and probably never will — I wouldn't take up your time had not one specific date been mentioned in the program.
     For those unfamiliar, the Commedia is the story of Dante's journey through hell, up purgatory's mountain and into heaven, accompanied by the Roman poet Virgil, at the behest of Beatrice, his celestial love.

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Matzo brei: The treat that comes but once a year.

Matzo brei prepared properly, aka hard, on the left, and that other way, to the right.

     The electric company ended Passover early this year. Well, at least in one tweet yesterday, claiming the holiday ended Monday night — 24 hours ahead of when the holiday actually ends. Eight days. It's a wonder the lights stay on at all. 

     A forgivable lapse — though one they did not correct themselves, even when I politely pointed the error out to them. Few corporations do; they tend to blunder on instead. 

     Not a failing that can be written off to ComEd being a gentile company — Jews have a way of rushing their own holidays, whether convening sundown at mid-afternoon on Yom Kippur. Or returning to bread a few days before Passover officially ends. Tuesday night. One misses bread. 
    Myself, I actually need that full eight days, for a reason I've never seen committed to print, so this might be a first. The full eight days are required to get your matzo brei in. 

    Allow me to explain. Matzo brei is a traditional dish of eggs and matzo — not to be confused with egg matzo, which is matzo baked with egg in it. Matzo brei — also called "egg matzo" — is a breakfast dish.   It isn't intrinsically heavy, but is so good, you tend to eat a lot. I do, anyway. So while you are tempted the first few mornings of Passover, the idea is dismissed — everyone's too full from the night before (there are two Seders, on consecutive nights; don't ask why; it's complicated) and, besides, there are all those leftovers to eat.
     But — and this is a rule of my own — you only eat matzo brei during Passover, because otherwise the foodstuff would escape into the rest of the year and a) lose its specialness and b) you'd eat it continually, the way I do Bays Raisin and Cinnamon English Muffins. (although, they never lose their specialness, because they're so super special, and since I haven't had any the week of Passover, when I do, Wednesday morning — pay attention, ComEd! — they'll be doubly extra special). 
      Suddenly Tuesday and Wednesday — impossible, due to the Seders the night before — slip into Thursday and Friday. The matzo brei doesn't get eaten then because preparing it is a production and after the ordeal of preparing for the Seder one craves normal, eat-and-run life. The canyon floor was rushing up. Finally Sunday we dove in and had our matzo brei.
     Although — and this is why I'm writing this — this year my wife and I parted ways when it came to matzo brei preparation. Matzo brei is prepared by wetting matzo in water, mixing it with scrambled eggs then frying it. And my wife likes hers well-soaked in water, so it's soft. Which I suppose is fitting under strict literal interpretation: matzo brei translates out as "matzo porridge." 
    Me, I like the matzo just kissed by the water, so it's hard, or hardish. A quick rinse, then broken into the eggs, stirred a bit, then into the hot pan.
     In past years, we've compromised by eating matzo brei twice — one made her way, aka  wrong. And once my way, preserving the dish's delightful tactile firmness. But this year we decided just to each prepare our own meal. Which struck me as slightly dubious, like couples having separate bank accounts or taking separate vacations. We're sort of joined at the hip, my wife and I, and preparing separate meals, not our style.  Generally.

     But I only eat the stuff once a year, and want matzo brei the way God intended, aka, my way. As did my wife.  Although we did not  — Israelis and Palestinians take note — kill each other over it. We made accommodations to our divergent claims on reality.
     We didn't consult beforehand — my wife just set out two cast iron pans — and I noticed differences. I used three pieces of matzo while she used six, which took me aback. When I inquired, she said she planned on having extra to take to work Monday, another practice I'd never consider —you don't reheat matzo brei, but consume it all, immediately after being prepared. She used vegetable oil. And I used butter because, as Napoleon said, if you're going to take Vienna, take Vienna.  One doesn't skimp on a meal you eat once a year. With lots of sugar. Though she uses salt. Which is also wrong. 

      We each did sample one anothers preparation — I found hers soft.  She tried mine and did not remark upon it. Being polite, no doubt. Frankly, she could have spat it into a napkin. I didn't care. This is my annual matzo brei.
      As we ate, we discussed that. She mentioned that we could, you know, enjoy matzo brei at other times of the year. "We have turkey when it isn't Thanksgiving," she argued. Yes, well, that's turkey, and this is matzo brei. Once a year. No more. To do otherwise would be crazy.

Three matzos + two eggs = one plate of delicious matzo brei as God intended.

Into the ward of memory

 

     One day the hiring hall agent that is Fate will read your name off a card. He'll shake the card in your direction, smirking, while you desperately look around for somebody else to take it. But nobody will, so the job falls to you.
     We put off moving my father downstairs to the locked memory ward as long as we could. Not that it mattered much to him. My father doesn't care what couch he sits on.
     But my mother cares. Very much. She met him when she was 18 and a freshman at Ohio State. Now she is 87. Do the math. They married in 1956. She wants him on the sofa next to her.
     They'd lived together for two years at a senior residence facility in Buffalo Grove. He had been having ... umm ... issues. Behavior that no dynamic lifestyle community is going to tolerate in the general population. Memory care ward level stuff. They pressed, we delayed.
     But there was another episode, and suddenly the ground was gone from under us. They were moving him whether we agreed or not.
     Or more accurately, I was moving him. Now was the time. My brother and my wife provide continual, crucial help. But not today. Today Fate handed me the card.
     Time to walk my father's downstairs to his new home. I checked with the staff to determine their role. Just do it, they said. I returned to their room 216. He was on the couch, watching TV with my mother. Time for the earth to shift.
     "Let's go, dad," I said, helping him stand up and setting his walker before him. I'd take a few steps, his pillow under my arm. then pause, waiting for him to catch up. "How you doing, Dad?" I'd call back, turning to check on his progress. We went downstairs. I pressed a doorbell. They saw us through the narrow window and buzzed us in.
     The dementia patients were together, having snacks when their new associate arrived. Quesadilla or yogurt? I went to put his pillow in his room and returned. My father was talking to the people around him.
     "You don't get older in Boulder," he was telling them. His standard quip. He thinks he's still in Colorado. Rhyme is the last thing to go. Along with obscenity.
     Leaving him with his snack, I went back to my mother, sitting in her wheelchair, alone in her room.
     "Hug me," she said when I walked in. I did, leaning over.
     "No one to talk with ..." she sang softly. "All by myself."
     "No one to walk with," I joined in. "But I'm happy on the shelf."
     My mother sang with the USO. Flew to Europe on an Army Super Constellation with the Coca Cola Radio Nanigans when she was 16 to entertain the troops. I know 1950s hit songs by heart the way a child raised in France knows French.
     "Ain't misbehavin', I'm saving my love for yooouuuu ..." we crooned together.

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The whole world is watching ... us

     Actually, I have sympathy for those protesting against the war in Gaza. They see the images of suffering, the children, the hunger, the death. How could you not be moved? How could you blame anyone for raising their voice? For trying to do something.

     Besides, they're students, mostly. They have the energy, and time on their hands. Why not set up tents and conduct a kind of ongoing public temper tantrum, holding their breath until world events reorder themselves to their liking? Live deeply.
     Yes, they are young. The young get worked up, carried away. In damning the war, they also damn Israel — should never have been founded in the first place! — and Zionists and even Jews who sometimes are Zionists, at least when they're not contorting themselves, trying to outdo the Palestinians in taking a one-sided, 0 or 1, right v. wrong view of the situation. 

     Rather than blame Benjamin Netanyahu — I'd be in agreement, if not right beside them — they decry the existence of the country itself, and demand "From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free." The "...of Jews" part is unvoiced. Which means, they aren't against genocide, per se, but simply prefer the world stick to the traditional victims. They aren't radicals, but conservatives, playing an old game. Although that part gets said out loud more and more. Juden raus. Worked for great-granddaddy, works for us. Forgetting that a nation's existence isn't a global referendum or campus popularity contest — if it were, the United States would have blinked off the world map long ago. 

     Here's what I feel obligated to point out: the main change being demanded by all theses springtimes protests is not that Hamas accept a cease-fire — odd that they never ask that, maybe because they know Hamas doesn't give a fuck what they think — but that the universities they attend must divest from investing in companies involved with Israel. A rather long-term solution to an immediate crisis — kind of like holding hands around a house that's burning down and demanding that deeper wells be dug. Maybe that would help, down the road. But right now...

    And in truth, divesting wouldn't even help down the road. As always with the young, they wildly exaggerate their own place in an indifferent world. 

     Being adults, let's do the math, shall we? In 2023, the cumulative total of American university endowments was $839 billion. And the stock market is worth $50 trillion. Making the investments held by U.S. colleges about 1.6 percent of the total U.S. financial markets. So if every single American university immediately pulled every single dime of their investments from companies involved with Israel or the Israeli military, it would affect the economic health of Israel not much, and the war in Gaza even less. The change they demand is like leveling a fine of $100, payable in 2047.

     Not that protests are without merit. They do pressure Joe Biden to in turn pressure the Israelis to wrap this up already. Which is probably a good thing since destroying Hamas doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. At least it's an open question whether Israel is killing Hamas fighters faster than its recruiting new ones. Meanwhile, all those innocents are still suffering and dying. Though speaking of suffering the protests risk running into the summer, undercutting the Dems, and helping to elect Donald Trump, who is Benjamin Netanyahu's best buddy and moved the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem simply as a big Fuck You to Palestinians. It's odd to demand other people consider the consequences of what they're doing while at the same moment ignoring the consequences of what you're doing. But that's people for you.

    Besides, they aren't protesting for the Palestinians, but for themselves. The protests are engaging street theater, allowing a number of college students to feel they are working the treadles and warps of current events, weaving the fabric of history. That has to put a spring in their step. Plus their classes are about done, though you have to wonder, watching certain students coping with the fallout of their murderous rhetoric, what their job prospects are going to look like when they flash their Northwestern resumes at white shoe law firms. "The summer of 2023 I was interning at the Children's Legal Center. Then summer 2024 I stood in Deering Meadow chanting 'Death to Jews'..." The internet is forever.

    Until then, it's a sideshow, a distraction. Almost ironic. The public is sort of thick, and it could be argued that the protests draw attention away from the war they're supposed to be ending. Counter-intuitive things happen, and it's somehow fitting that kids in Evanston and Morningside Heights and Los Angeles would find a way to make this all about them, and the suffering they endure at the hands of police. Am I wrong to reserve my sympathy for the children of Gaza?