Flashback 1998: Galoshes mark big milestone

     The aging brain retains many odd bits, the mental equivalent of drawers jammed with junk and jars brimming with buttons and pennies. Friday morning, contemplating the weekend, I thought, "Dec. 6 is James Thurber's birthday."  As to which one, I squinted and guessed: "...128." Close: Dec. 8, not 6th. And 131 years ago —1894 . 

     I haven't read his stuff lately — haven't read much at all, now that I can scroll mindlessly through Instagram and TikTok like everybody else. But at one time was he was a point of ready reference.  

       This is briefer than columns lately, because it ran, at the time, in the Features section on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It evokes a time when I dutifully headed out to work, wearing a suit and Oxford shoes, ready for whatever came. Typically I don't like to repeat a word too often, but here I use "galoshes" nine times —I obviously shied away from the double entendre "rubbers." I was 38 when I wrote this. Imagine how I feel now.

     One of the advantages of growing up fat and kinda unattractive is that, as you enter middle age, you're prepared for it. You've been there.
     I weighed the same this morning as when I was 16. How many guys can say that? True, I was 198 pounds when I was 16. But hey, the logic still holds. At least I don't weigh 300 pounds. Some guys do.
     That said, there are still surprises, still milestones that catch your attention and cause you to pause, sighing, in the doorway that leads away from youth.
     The milestones I'm thinking about are more subtle than the typical markers of time's passage: the graduations, marriages, births. I'm referring to the buying life insurance milestone, the gray hair milestone, the making-the-same-groaning-noise-your-father-made-when-he-got-out-of-a-chair milestone.
     Or, as I discovered recently, the galoshes milestone.
     It was raining hard. As I plucked the umbrella out of the front closet I glimpsed my galoshes, turned inside out, where I had flung them last spring, the previous occasion, when, at my wife's urging, I wore them out of the house.
     Normally, I never wear them unless forced to. There is something terribly sad about galoshes, something dreary and middle-aged. Put on galoshes and you're halfway to wearing woolen underwear and walking about with a hot water bottle tied around your neck with a string.
     Men are supposed to be stronger than that. We must be nagged to wear our galoshes. In James Thurber's "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty," galoshes are one of the mundane items that, along with puppy biscuits, Mitty's overbearing wife nags him to purchase.
     "Remember to get those overshoes while I'm having my hair done," she says. He argues, "I don't need overshoes."
     "We've been through that," she snaps, then adding the coup de grace, a blow at the heart: "You're not a young man any longer."
     Heading out the door, seeing the galoshes on the floor of the closet, I actually looked over my shoulder, to see if my wife was around to order me to put them on. She wasn't. I hesitated. It was raining hard. I was wearing my Church's oxfords, lovely hunks of hand-made leather bought at great expense, shoes that I nurse through the years (they've had more new soles than a tent revival). It wouldn't do to wreck them while saluting some faded echo of youthful bravado.
     I put on my galoshes.
     The heavens did not crack. People on the street didn't point and stare. The oxfords were protected.
     But I felt a little more stooped, a little more tired. I got to work, peeled off the galoshes, and flung them on my desk, where they have sat since, turned inside out, awaiting the next downpour to be worn home.
     I don't know where being cautious became associated with age and decline. Teenagers leave their coats to flap open, defiantly, when they are forced to wear coats at all. Older people button up and wear those stupid hats with the flaps sticking out. It's smarter, and safer, but I miss the old way.
     At least I don't use the shoe trees. I have all these wooden shoe trees that I inherited from my father. They're in the bottom of the closet. The idea is that you put the trees in your shoes at night to, I don't know, keep them from collapsing in on themselves.
     I have never used the shoe trees, and my shoes seem fine. But maybe I'm just too immature to understand the benefit of a shoe tree. Maybe, in a few years, I'll come home one fine day and those wooden trees will make perfect sense.
     And kids think aging is without its thrills.
     — Originally published in the Sun-Times, Oct. 20, 1998