Notes from Limbo: Serenity Now

     Honesty is easy when the sun is shining.  When you're abstractly picking apart the challenges facing others in between sips of tea. A different matter when the storm grabs you yourself and won't let go. I'll be honest too: when I read Caren Jeskey's essay for today, I phoned her and asked: Do you really want to say this? Because I was worried, as a friend. But she's a hard ass, and she does indeed knows what she's writing, and wants it read by others, because it expresses where she's at and might, we both hope, help others in the same storm-tossed boat. It probably will. Her Saturday report:

    Family can be intense. Interactions might range from a bit stressful to (spoiler alert for the Stuart Smalley 1995 movie) a family member accidentally shooting another in the Al Franken movie "Stuart Saves His Family."
     Now that I am back home after seven years away, I have managed to regress to the maturity level of a 12 year old more than once. I am not proud of this, and it saddens me. I thought I’d be able to show up, enjoy them, and part after magical, long overdue visits after a bellyful of laughs. Thankfully, we’ve had many laughs, but the little girl in me has acting up. She wants to be seen with unconditional positive regard! Heard! Understood! In other words she wants the impossible.
     Oftentimes, family members inherently lack the ability to see each other clearly instead of seeing them as abstractions we’ve created in our minds about who each other is. We don’t give each other room to evolve. The moments where we step out of painting each other into boxes, and enjoy cultural events and passionate discussions about things we agree about are the salve, but not the norm. As my therapist says, we tend to project all over each other. We take things personally that have nothing to do with us and argue from the back seat of the car like George Costanza.
     One of my missions in life is to see my parents and siblings as people outside of the role that includes me. To see their wit, intelligence, and talent and to move away from the triggers that perpetuate endless, tiring loops. It’s called individuation. (https://www.thesap.org.uk/resources/articles-on-jungian-psychology-2/about-analysis-and-therapy/individuation/). It’s much easier when life is good, when I am happy and peaceful.
     These days I have a handful of peaceful hours each day—with clients, when walking, at the beach immersed in the impossible blue and the sound of waves of Chicago’s ocean, Lake Michigan. Fear and frustration melt away standing before frothy peaks and pink sunsets. My goal is to bring that inner peace into all of my interactions. I’ve succeeded at times, but with multiple challenges that seem comedic at this point, my resistance is down.
     I’ve bloodied my knee and scratched my glasses in a fall. I have yet to sleep since I am living under the Final Approach Fix of the O’Hare flight path. A decent, reasonably priced rental in the expensive city is a needle in a haystack. The suitcase full of my best clothes and perhaps a family heirloom (not sure yet) was stolen from my car. I smashed my finger and might lose the nail. I think my fall clothes are in the storage unit and it’s getting chilly. My broken toe is still healing. This on top of a tragic year where I felt terrified and alone at times, and was isolated from my loved ones. Now that I am back in Chicago where I wanted to be I am too stressed out to enjoy this gorgeous summer.
     Today I listened to Glennon Doyle’s podcast We Can Do Hard Things. (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-with-glennon-doyle/id1564530722). Her sister was her guest, and the topic was “ANXIETY: Is it just love holding its breath?” I was struck at the grace Doyle’s sister gives to her. Doyle experiences debilitating, clinical anxiety that she is doing an impressive job of taking care of. Her sister holds her when she’s falling apart, and speaks lovingly and tenderly about Doyle. She doesn’t judge her sister when she melts down due to being neuro-atypical. The podcast brought tears to my eyes, and made me long for a world where we treated our vulnerable family members and friends with support rather than judgment. Where we treated everyone that way.
     It makes sense to shun a difficult family member or friend. They can be a lot of work. I think the biggest problem is that we don’t know how to deal with them, and so we become frustrated and angry. We want them to be different. But they can’t be. Doyle so beautifully describes her clinical anxiety as a deficit that will never be cured, and instead something that she’ll have to learn to cope with one step at a time. She describes her anxiety as preventing her from looking at her life one day at a time, since days can seem endless. Instead she uses techniques to eke out one hour at a time some days, doing her best to survive her inner turmoil.
     Her children can also see when she’s falling apart, and have learned to empathize in those moments. Is that ideal? No. Ideally a parent is balanced and giving and the roles are not reversed. How many of us in this world have an ideal life?
     You will not find it surprising that I have dealt—with varying degrees of success—with debilitating anxiety and depression in my life, since I was a child. I wish this was not so, but wishing it away will not make it disappear. I am not as courageous as Neil or Glennon. I am scared to share the real story. That’s OK though. I am fine keeping it under wraps for now, though I hope one day I can stand tall and proud even with my dark corners exposed. For now I’ll rely on them to speak their truth so I feel less alone.
Podcasts like Glennon’s and The Hilarious World of Depression (https://www.hilariousworld.org/episodes) keep me company. Mike Birbiglia, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, Chris Gethard (the host of the podcast Beautiful Stories by Anonymous People), Neko Case (one of my favorite musicians who I get to see in Evanston in September), Jeff Tweedy, Aimee Mann, Margaret Cho, Peter Sagal, Billy Joel, Dick Cavett and others share their survival stories there. Some of the most talented folks who show us their best in their public faces have to overcome one demon at a time in their personal lives.
     I am fortunate to have a great therapist, I keep myself pretty fit, eat well, do not have an active substance use problem (I take a medication to stave off cravings), I have a lot of love and support in my life (even though sometimes my mind tells me I don’t), and I have a lot to live for. Still, some days feel like everything is broken and nothing will be ok again.
     As I sit here on a patio on Wilson and Ravenswood eating curry fries and basking in the dusk of the day, life feels just right. For now I will take the good moments when I can and cope as well as possible. I’ll hold on to what my friends keep telling me, and my inner self knows: a brighter day is coming. I hope you are living in the light of a good day, and if not I hope you can find the help that you need.

We keep track of shootings like a box score

Vatican Museum

     Numbers deceive.
     Some are so big we can’t grasp them. Chicago is on the hook for $32.9 billion to its four biggest municipal pension funds. Does that number mean anything to you? Me either.
     Some purport to represent something concrete when in fact they only vaguely symbolize something unknowable. When we report that 104 people were shot in Chicago over the July 4 weekend and that 19 died, those numbers are offered as clear, understandable figures.
     Are they?
     We write the figures, pretend to grasp their significance. But do we? Do we even try to stretch our minds to consider the pain? The hospital hours, funeral home visits, cemetery services, the endless days of grief, the entire supernova of tragedy expanding from those digits? I don’t believe we do, which might be just as well, because we probably can’t.
     Alice Yin wrote a heartbreaking story in the Tribune Thursday about the family of Natalia Wallace, a 7-year-old girl shot and killed on July 4, 2020. While I’m not in the habit of plugging stories in the Trib, those considerations are insignificant compared with the matter at hand. Yin takes readers on a journey alongside the girl’s crushed family, her grief-stricken father (“When they killed her, they killed me too,” he told the Chicago Sun-Times’ Manny Ramos in a story for us last August), her traumatized siblings, hiding in the house, flinching at loud noises, struggling through therapy.
     Yet read those stories, and what have you accomplished? Spent 10 minutes sensing a flicker of the pain of one family after one death. Then you move on, the privilege of the untouched. It’s like scooping up a handful of salt water at the beach, and gazing as it runs through your fingers. Meanwhile, unseen, the ocean.

     Those who can’t shrug it off, because they’re supposed to be leaders, are unable to admit their own powerlessness. So they seek somebody to blame, and we’re left with sorry spectacles like CPD superintendent David Brown simultaneously blaming Chicago’s shootings on national trends and Kim Foxx letting violent criminals go. Which is it? Or is he suggesting that Foxx somehow sends ripples of violence across the nation?

     Brown is among many twisting the stats to their own purposes. My readers regularly paint Chicago crime as some kind of refutation to Black Lives Matter.

     “Biden is here to talk about the violence in Chicago,” one wrote Wednesday. “Everyone knows what the problem is. Why is there never a story about the low life, scum bag gang bangers who have absolutely no respect for human life. I’ll tell you why. Because people are afraid of the gangs. ... Your never going to submit an article calling out the gangs for their killing of innocent people. I’ll tell you a little secret. I’m a 58 year old white male. So everything i say is wrong. But i do not understand the BLM movement. 60 to a 100 people shot a week. Most of them black. Do these people not matter?”

     Call me a cynic, but I suspect this email isn’t from a person whose heart is breaking for the victims. He wants to use the killings to discredit the movement against police misconduct.

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In praise of inattentive bartenders

     When you are drinking, it is a different matter. Then you want your bartender right away, Johnny-on-the-spot, greeting you brightly as you walk in, hands poised, ready to spring into action at your direction, pulling taps, scooping ice, upending bottles, mixing, serving.
     But I don't drink. Though a drink, in the form of a non-alcoholic beer or soda or coffee, was the price I was willing to pay to use their restroom. A lot of coffee, driving down to Logan Square. And just walking in, using their bathroom and leaving, well, that's against my moral code.
     After parking and talking to the union workers picketing the Dill Pickle Co-op—whose ownership never did get back to me with their side of things—I had an hour of parking left (I almost said "on the meter." Though there is no meter. Only an app, ParkChicago, and a good one). So I thought I would wander down Milwaukee Avenue a bit. Toward the Logan, where I took my younger son to his first movie.
     First things first. I slid into The Old Plank, a welcoming place, walls open to the perfect summer day outside. I took a seat at the bar, looked around, expectant. One patron, a woman at end, studying her phone. There was a bartender, six feet to my left, but he never looked at me. I checked my own cell phone, waiting, patient. He didn't come over. Maybe this is the invisibility of age. Everybody in the place was 30 years younger than me. A waitress came hurrying behind the bar. I sat up a little straighter. For a second, I thought she had noticed the bartender was asleep at the switch and was rushing into the breach to take my order. She wasn't. She just grabbed something from behind the bar and left again. I gave the bartender a last look, slid off the stool, and shambled back to find the rest room. It was where it was supposed to be. On my return, I snapped a photo of a mural claiming we were "In the Heart of Logan Square." I'd say the heart of Logan Square is the eagle-topped column up the street (honoring the centennial of Illinois in 1918, created by Henry Bacon, the designer of the Lincoln Memorial). But it's their wall, they can make whatever claim they like.
       Returning, I considered hopping back on a stool, ordering something, or trying to. I don't have many rigid moral rules, but I don't like to barge into a place, use the bathroom, and leave. That's something bums do. These are businesses. But the bartender still was gazing off in the middle distance as I passed, so I mentally shrugged, decided not to force my five dollars upon them, and just kept going, out the door and onto the street, where the day was unfolding beautifully.

Biden to spike ball here prior to touchdown

Dear President Biden:
      Crystal Lake? Well, OK. I suppose going there makes as much sense as going anyplace else. Your visit Wednesday — scheduled, of course, subject to change. At least I hope so. “Sorry, we can’t gather in the Situation Room. We’ve got to get the president to McHenry County ...”
     Yes, it doesn’t matter quite so much where anyone is anymore, in physical reality. Lots of us still work remotely. As if we don’t want to trouble ourselves with returning to the office, since we know COVID-19 is going to come raging back this autumn anyway, what with the extra contagious Delta variant and not enough people being vaccinated and those who are needing boosters. Will we have the gumption to slap our masks back on and start socially distancing again? Heck, we could barely manage it the first time. One million American deaths will be shrugged off as easily as 600,000 were. As I’ve said before, once you start ignoring reality, the specifics of the reality being ignored hardly matter.
     Speaking of which. Your forays out into the heartland have been dubbed the “America’s Back Together” tour. Really? Did “America’s More Fractured Than Ever” not poll well?
     Is this what coming back together looks like? Millions of Americans still sunk in their weird cargo cult, sitting cross-legged, palms raised, faces turned upward, scanning the skies for their lost orange master, filling the time by busily deforming and undercutting the American electoral process. So that next time their absent king can win despite getting millions of fewer votes, the way God intends him to.
     The Republicans have proven if you repeat a lie enough, it takes on the patina of reality. So yes, America’s back! And together! That’s like saying the Union and the Confederacy came together at Gettysburg. After a fashion.

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New car report

     
     It wasn't much, as test drives go.
     Out of the driveway, down the street, right on Cedar, right on Cherry, under the viaduct, past the Sunset, right on Shermer and park in front of our goal, Lou Malnati's.
     I'd usually walk. But we had four guests, the pizza augmented with salads and wings and such. Might be a bit to carry. So I suggested we drive, and since our visitor's car was behind ours in the driveway, we took that.
     "Do you want to drive?" my pal asked. Your brand new Audi E-Tron? Sure.
     The car has a grille but no engine. You have to admire that. Humans cling to tradition, particularly when it comes to our automobiles. Thus trunks and glove compartments, even when we stopped strapping trunks to the back of our cars long ago, and ladies don't need a place to stash the gloves they no longer wear. Drivers want to pretend their car is cooling the internal combustion engine that isn't there. It would look odd otherwise. Maybe that'll change as more electric cars are sold and designers start to explore their possibilities. Right now, only about 2 percent of new cars sold are electric.

     Cedar presented a two-block stretch, and I mashed the accelerator. The E-Tron surged ahead nicely. 0 to 60 in 5.5 seconds. (Not that I got it to 60, understand). Generally I drove extra carefully and got there without incident. My buddy went in for the pizza. The folks at Lou's were backed up, which gave me time to examine the car. I ran my finger over the ... wait for it ... faux wood, or maybe ersatz stone; some odd gray and white mottling that someone in Germany considered decoration.

     "You'd think they'd pop for a piece of actual wood," I said, to my pal's brother-in-law, who came along for the ride. The car costs, what? $70,000? He explained that the dynamics of buying the car required quickness, and so it had to be purchased as is. You could, he said, get better materials if you ordered a car, but time hadn't permitted that.
     A pity. Rule number one of design is that it shouldn't be worse than no design at all. Had that area of the dashboard (another name that lingers, as I've pointed out, even though the entity supplying the horsepower no longer dashes) been plain black, I'd never have minded. But this...

   The E-Tron (a dubious name, by the way, redolent of that 1982 Disney movie, "Tron") did try to redeem itself, style-wise. When I returned home and got out, the driver's door cast the car's name in light on the ground where I was to step, I guess in case the owner forgot what he was driving. Still, that was cool. And my pal's son showed me the neat way, with a press of a button, that the hatch containing the charging equipment presented itself.
     But driving a new car is supposed to inspire covetous, not relief that your 2005 Honda Odyssey has not yet given up the ghost. Which, I should point out, is not a car radiating impressiveness. But it drives, which is about all I ask of a vehicle nowadays. That said, I'd take the E-Tron in a heartbeat, the dashboard be damned. It's still a cool car. Particularly that blue.

Industrial Workers of the World still unite

Jessico Dickerson and Gabe Galloway.

     If you think of the Industrial Workers of the World as relegated to Chicago’s distant labor past, the solemn faces of Big Bill Haywood and Eugene Debs gazing out of faded photographs, you should have been with me on Milwaukee Avenue Friday afternoon, on the picket line talking with living, breathing Wobblies Gabe Galloway and Jessico Dickerson.

     “A few weeks after we finished bargaining a contract, management just started ignoring the fact we had a contract or started reading the contract in absurd ways,” said Galloway, union secretary, explaining the two-day strike against the Dill Pickle Food Co-op near Logan Square.
     “Complaints about nine unfair labor practices went before the National Labor Relations Board,” said Dickerson, shop steward of the Dill Pickle Workers Union. “The NLRB found merit in eight.”
     Since the Sun-Times is owned in part by labor unions, and some readers think the way this works is a boss snaps his fingers twice, points at a story, and I go running, I should explain how I got there, because, to me, that’s the most amazing part.
     I was researching the espionage trial of 113 I.W.W. members in Chicago in 1918, most guilty of what today would be considered pacifism or labor advocacy which, in the patriotic passion of World War I, seemed like treason to authorities.
     So I’m picking over the historical record and notice the I.W.W., founded in Chicago in 1905, still has its international headquarters here, on Belmont Avenue. It has a store that sells pins and pennants. That was astounding, like discovering the Bull Moose Party is still around, still pushing for Teddy Roosevelt. Naturally, I had to reach out to them.

     The I.W.W. is doing what it’s always done.
     “Pretty much the same,” said Maxim Baku, communications officer of the I.W.W. “But of course the politics and times have changed a lot. ... The Second World War reshaped the labor movement, and shifted the I.W.W.’s place in the national dialogue. These days, we’re still very much focused on being a labor union, charting out an independent path.”

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Flashback 2005: "Here's hoping Jesse Jr. falls far from his father's tree."

 

    Happy 4th of July! In the spirit that all of us deserve a break, I thought I would dig into the vault and pull out a past Independence Day column. This one is from back when my column ran over a thousand words and covered a page. I could have trimmed off the topical stuff, but figured you might have time on your hands, so left it in, along with the original subheads.    

     Jesse Jackson Jr. never ran for mayor, instead running into a ditch, flipping over and burning, personally and politically. He was institutionalized in 2012, and later pled guilty to fraud and went to prison, along with his wife. The war people were protesting in 2005 is just ending now, 16 fruitless years later. The Supreme Court Justice that George W. Bush was nominating ended up to be John Roberts. I have no memory if readers sent any checks. I sure hope not. Anyway, have a safe and sane holiday, and remember, every time you light a firecracker, you're terrifying some poor dog.

Opening shot

     Just like the Bible, I don't believe in visiting the sins of the father upon the son. Not if I can help it. But sometimes you can't. Can I be alone in viewing Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr.'s increasingly bold language directed at Mayor Daley in the light of Jesse Sr.'s career? The Rev. Jackson's particular trademark iniquity has always been The Big Threat—the spectre of a boycott, or picket, or other race-based corporate embarrassment that has kept countless CEOs up at night and inspired countless fat checks cut to Operation PUSH to make all the trouble go away.
     Those boycotts and strikes rarely happen—they're not supposed to, because when they do they're not that effective. As with any other kind of extortion, the idea is to get the payoff, not to burn down the grocery store.
     So while I realize that Rep. Jackson is not his father, and sincerely hope he does run in 2007, just to watch Daley squirm and sweat, I can't believe it'll ever happen. I can't help but assume Jesse the Younger will beat the mayoral drum for the next year or two, perhaps be a thorn in Daley's side then, at the right moment, he will revert to form. The deal will be whispered, the big slice of pie cut, and Jesse Jr. will put on a straight face and declare the palpable untruth that he can better serve his district as one vote out of 435 than as the mayor of the City of Chicago. Unfair of me to say? Perhaps. But let's see what happens.

July 4, 2005

     A rainy Independence Day in my leafy suburban paradise of Northbrook. But a wavering, fickle kind of rain, now downpour, now sunshine, that skirted the day's major scheduled events.
     Thus the pancake breakfast on the Village Green went off without a hitch. A dramatic family game of bocce ball was played. Then a monsoon that let up 15 minutes before the parade's kickoff. Cynic that I am, I walked the two blocks over to the route, to see if the event had been scrapped, and was shamed to see my hardier neighbors lining the streets, confident. I returned with my family, and while the rain did start up, it was a light, cooling drizzle that my wife decreed was more pleasurable than the hot sun.
     Passersby stood up and clapped for the veterans, while the "STOP THE WAR" contingent was met with a noticeable silence. I bumped into a fellow tribe member, who suggested that our synagogue march in the parade next year. I readily agreed—provided we wore uniforms and marched in formation, perhaps twirling wooden Torahs like a drill team. That seemed to dampen her enthusiasm, but I didn't want to make the mistake of more than a few organizations that presented a rather bedraggled appearance (not to single anyone out, but let's say that one float struck me as sorely lacking the kind of gilded splendor normally associated with Rome).
     Toward evening, some—we had houseguests—wanted the fireworks, others the sofa. You know where my desires rested. Let's just say I was pulling for rain.
     But fireworks won, and I had too much hard-won sense to grumble, because grumbling always comes back to bite you. We walked the several blocks to the velodrome (Doesn't your town have a velodrome? All the better towns do).
     The fireworks were—duh—great. Big exploding puffballs of red and green and purple, plus some golden bursts of fizzing blossoms I had never seen before.
     My wife turned her face to mine and said, "Kiss me," and I had the presence of mind to nod toward the fireworks exploding overhead and say, "Kiss you? I thought we were kissing."

Put down that dictionary!

     Ve-lo-drome, n., A bicycle racing track, especially with steep banked curves.

Act now to save our country!

     Attention conservatives!!!
     Having done so much to try to save our nation from the moral abyss, our president, George W. Bush, now faces his toughest challenge yet: the nomination of a new justice to the U.S. Supreme Court. He needs your help!
     The right candidate can solidify our hard-won gains of the past five years and stem the tide of degeneracy. But the wrong person—a liberal in sheep's clothing—will continue America's sickening slide toward ruin. If the Democrats prevail, the Supreme Court will approve drive-thru abortions for lascivious teens and allow Affirmative Action to snatch away your job and give it to bus station loafers while encouraging gays to marry in your church and then forcibly adopt your children and convert them to homosexuality. Don't let it happen!
     Only direct public pressure can avert this affront to God. Send as much money as you can now to:
     Americans United for a Fair Judiciary
     Neil Steinberg, chairman
     350 N. Orleans, 9th floor
     Chicago, IL 60654

Act now to save our country, Pt. II

     Attention liberals!!!
     The criminal junta of the Warmonger Bush and his claque of Constitution-shredders are poised to further undermine our personal freedoms with the nomination of a new justice to the U.S. Supreme Court. Our voices must be heard!
     Difficult as it is to imagine a police state more repressive than our own, it is likely unless you help.
     Imagine: a ban on abortions, on contraceptives and on women working outside the home. A return of the draft, racial segregation and girdles. Your children compelled to begin their school day by kneeling on a rail and praying to God. The risk is real.
     Only immediate public action will prevent this latest mortal blow to our liberties.
     Please send a generous donation to:
     Citizens Together for a Balanced Court
     Neil Steinberg, chairman
     350 N. Orleans, 9th floor
     Chicago, IL 60654


Disclaimer

     I try not to write for stupid people (God, I can feel the letters being penned: "Dear Idiot: My brother Timmy has an IQ of 25—does he not deserve the respect you so mistakenly lavish on yourself???")
     But I do need to point out that my two pitch letters are satire. Yes, I will cash your checks, and apply them to my own unspeakable purposes (well, give them to the Sun-Times Charity Trust). But no, they won't go to underwrite more badgering of the president on either side of the issue. Jeez, let the guy squeeze out a name before we all pile on.

            —Originally published in the Sun-Times, July 6, 2005