Before I decided to run a pair of series, metaphors and food, while I was on vacation, I pulled a few chestnuts from the archive, thinking they would serve. Though unneeded, this one is too fun not to share. I would hesitate to say whether I'm considered more or less stupid now than in 2007. Let's just say, I'm smart enough not to ask.
Wives think their husbands are stupid. They have to. It's the modern way. If you're a married woman, just try saying to a female friend: "You know my husband, he's so smart. I think he's a genius."Just try. You can't, can you? Not with a straight face. Probably not at all. Your mouth won't form the words — it's as if I asked you to fire off some twisting bit of Gaelic: Is e do bhaile do chaislean.*My wife certainly thinks I'm an idiot. Of course, she'll deny it — I can hear her, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, denying it to the cats, "I do not!" But you do, honey. Remember the light fixtures?
The light fixtures in our boys' bedrooms? They were plastic — milky white inverted ziggurats from Menard's. Not elegant, but they withstood years of onslaught by flung balls and hacked light sabers and thrown stuffed animals.
Until they didn't, until they cracked, eventually, then broke apart, beyond repair, in both rooms. I'd like to say that the boys endured the uncovered light bulbs for a year, a not-at-all-pleasant bus-station-at-3-a.m. effect. But it might have been two years. Tempus fugit.
Eventually we bought new light fixtures — glass, vaguely breastlike affairs with an air of the 1890s — something that fits in with our ancient house. The boxes sat in the guest room for — I don't know — three months. Maybe six. Nine, tops. Waiting for my wife to call an electrician to put them up. I can do things around the house, but draw the line at electricity because Electricity Can Kill You.
Eventually the sight of the boys in their rooms, squinting at their books under the harsh interrogation blaze of unshielded lights, overwhelmed my caution. I waited until my wife was out, then went about my task.
Installing a light fixture is not as difficult as I imagined — you unscrew the old one, disconnect the wires, hook up the new one, then screw it in. They looked quite nice, blazing away.
I could barely wait to show off my handiwork. My wife returned, and I ushered her upstairs. She regarded the new lights.
"WELL, I HOPE YOU TURNED OFF THE ELECTRICITY!!!!" she cried, with alarm and a hint of rebuke. I was taken aback.
"If I didn't turn off the electricity," I answered, through gritted teeth, "I'd already be dead."
Yes, I suppose there are people each year who buy the ranch by working on wiring without first cutting the power. And no, I am not mocking the loss of your uncle, or father, or husband, nor suggesting he is a moron. Tragedies happen.
But I am right now looking at the instruction sheet for the fixtures. The very first words are: "WARNING: BE SURE THE ELECTRICITY TO THE WIRES YOU ARE WORKING ON ARE SHUT OFF. . . ."
So not shutting the power off must be an issue . . . there must be people, men, supposedly, husbands, one assumes, who go at copper wires with metal implements while the wires are still hot.
Maybe the low opinion that wives have of their husbands is not without justification. But jeez, honey. I went to college. I know to cut the power. Give me just a little credit.
— Originally published in the Sun-Times, Nov. 18, 2007
* "Your home is your castle." I can't believe I printed that, untranslated. Maybe I AM stupid.
There was a running gag on "If Books Could Kill" about Peter not putting up a shelf his wife kept asking him to put up. They eventually moved, and Peter was like, "See? I didn't need to put up the shelf!"
ReplyDeleteI am married to a man who does NOT believe in hiring ANYONE to do a job In or around our home. God Bless Him, he is wonderful! He was a tradesman all his life and continues to turn out great job after great job within and without our home. The day he stops we will be hard pressed to find someone he trusts to do any work in or around our home! Blessed be the man who knows what he is doing and blessed be the man who tries and gets the job done!
ReplyDeleteYou say: "WELL, I HOPE YOU TURNED OFF THE ELECTRICITY!!!!"
ReplyDeleteI say: How do they know exactly what to say to get your goat? Was it taught in Home Ec? Is it posted in the ladies' rooms where we can't see it? Or buried in women's magazines? The articles would have titles like:
"The perfect phrase to make him think of you all day."
Next time she says that, say "Of course I did, my dear. I shut off the electricity AND I de-energized the flux capacitor. Safety first, always!" --- Anthony C.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was an Electrician's Mate in the Navy some 60 plus years ago, I perused a list of servicemen who had been injured (perhaps electrocuted) by electricity in the past year. Surprisingly, most were senior petty officers, First Class, Chiefs and Warranty Officers, all well trained and used to working with electricity every day. Yet, they one and all, stuck their hands on a wire that was hot and paid a price for their carelessness. I vowed to myself that day to respect the power contained in every tangle of copper wires I encountered daily. Yet, not long after that vow, I was called to demonstrate my newly acquired electrical skills at home. I don't remember exactly what needed fixing, but it required that I get off the ladder and turn the power off and on to the whole house in order to check my work. After doing so a half dozen times or so, I felt a slight tingle from the fistful of wires in my hand. Then I heard a radio playing, which meant that it was plugged into a live circuit and that those wires I was holding were potentially fatal. Oops.
ReplyDeleteYears ago, I got a helluva lot more than a mere tingle from an overhead light fixture, while standing on a wet basement floor. It was a jolt, and it hurt. My arm felt like it was on fire and about to fall off, and I felt that jolt throughout my entire body.
Delete"This is how it feels to be fried in the chair..." was what flashed through my mind. I was sure my heart was going to stop beating. The experience was quite painful, and I have since refrained from messing with anything electrical, although I did manage to replace a bedroom wall switch once. Better to be a live wuss than a dead wannabe handyman.
My dad was an electrical engineer and was very much like Carol N's husband. Not only could he fix anything, he installed all the wiring in our new house when I was a kid. And like tate's colleagues, my dad rarely turned off the electricity when installing light fixtures or ceiling fans because 'he knew what he was doing'. He made me nervous, though.
DeleteIt’s natural — at least to me — that a woman who loves her man will always ask if he first shut off the electricity. It doesn’t necessarily mean she thinks he’s stupid.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind doing a little electrical work around the house. It's plumbing that makes me nervous. Inexpert plumbing work leaks, and I'm no expert. Unless you're James Thurber, electricity never leaks.
ReplyDeleteI treated a patient - not for an electrical shock - who was an electrician who proudly told me all the high rises he had worked on in Chicago. And who told me he carried a padlock, to lock the panel, after he had turned off the juice. As he said, "No kid was going to accidentally turn it back on while I was working!"
ReplyDeleteMy Dad went to Lane Tech for high school; later college and law school, but he could do basic wiring, electrical work, hang shelves and drapery rods, fix a leaky toilet, etc. So I thought all men could do those things. Well, my husband, wonderful in many ways, could not do those things. He put up a curtain rod in a bedroom we used as a guess room and it was really crocked. It actually slanted. Never asked again, found someone who could do that stuff. On the other hand he could really cook.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a house where loyalty to the male species was a greater duty than common sense ( brains). I got my first burn as a toddler sitting around my brothers' electric train set that short-circuited, flashing around the track till it hit my hand, creasing it black. I've stood dutifully by as male family members shot lighter fluid into open flames, rewired without even turning off the light switch, refused to throw the outside breakers after a MI basement landslide knocked the furnace off its foundation, changed a ceiling light/fan on Christmas Eve as it was leaking around the fixture from ice damn roof melt and was designated teen to test the fix by flipping on the light switch, tested gas leaks using kid's bubble wands & matches, Even multiple pros have done the latter as I dutifully stood by. That's not even the plumbing, snow removal, flood baling during lightning storms, or as backseat passenger with elder or seriously ill drivers. It took me longer than it should to realize I had at least equal duty to myself.
ReplyDelete