Friday, October 2, 2020

Let Mr. COVID Answer Man help you cope during the pandemic

   Because there are only so many earnest, well-reasoned columns a body can write...

Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man
: I’ve realized there are certain friends I haven’t talked to since March. Is it too late now to reach out?
 — Lonely
Dear Lonely: Yes. The truth is, if you haven’t spoken to someone in more than six months of the most intense crisis to grip our country in living memory, you never need to speak again. This is sad, of course. Think of them like a neighbor you really like who moves away. You hug and swear you’ll stay in touch. Then you don’t, because you aren’t living next door to each other anymore. That’s how life goes.

Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man: I work in a small store, where I’m required to wear a mask. But it gets claustrophobic, so I slip it below my nose. Occasionally a customer will say, “Would you mind putting your mask on properly?” This makes me very angry. Am I wrong to feel this way? — Miffed

Dear Miffed: Of course not. Tell yourself, you are WEARING a mask, technically, just not in the precise fashion that pleases every germaphobe fussbudget who walks in the door and starts issuing orders like they own the place, just because they don’t want to die a horrible death. The good news is that most customers are too inhibited to actually complain. Try saying, “Oh sorry, it slipped,” in a sarcastic tone, the way you would say, “Mind your own business loser,” and without moving the mask. That will convey your point in a witty fashion.

Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man: Before the pandemic struck, I used to scream at my children for staring at screens too much. Now that they’re remote learning, I scream at them for not watching screens enough. They fight and misbehave and I find myself hating them, sometimes, wondering why I didn’t move to Thailand and open a grass shack bar on the beach when I was young and might have. What should I do? — Regretful

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  1. drumpf & his wife Melanoma have now tested positive for Covid!
    I don't want them to die, I want them to get every possible symptom & then have massive long term problems, such as heart disease, hearing loss, taste loss, lung issues & kidney disease.
    Suffer mightily you rotten to the core bastard, as you publicly called this a joke back in February, while telling Woodward it was serious!

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Oh my! I wish for them the same as everyone who becomes infected. Mild symptoms , full recovery and then a thorough trouncing at the polls.

  3. The column was lovely. I especially liked the trope about events pulling us along into the future. Too bad everyone will want to talk about Trump's latest spectacle.


  4. Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man: The President of the United States is a buffoon who made the pandemic infinitely worse by downplaying it, then completely botching the national response, while insisting against all evidence that it was on the decline. Now that he has the disease, do you think he'll finally start taking the situation seriously?

  5. Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man: If I'm watching an on-the-street interview on TV and the person being interviewed has a mask on, and the mask keeps drooping below their nose, sometimes even below their upper lip, as they speak, is it appropriate for me to heartily laugh at that? (Not sure if I should direct this query to you or the "Am I The Asshole?" organization, frankly.)

  6. Was this column scheduled before yesterdays news? If not then Bravo for a quick and reasonable response. I appreciate Clarks response but I would spare Melania. Herr Drumpf and Henchman Miller deserve the worst the virus has to give. For Judge Amy Coney Barrett I would spare her children but inflict her and then ask her how government Covid measures fit into her originalist theory.

    1. No, I wrote it Monday, and it was supposed to run Wednesday, but got bumped by my debate column. I did write one this morning about Trump testing positive, which is on the paper's web site, and I'll post here at midnight.

  7. Dear Mr. COVID Answer Man:
    Air Force One flew low and slow over my backyard last Tuesday, while I was mowing the lawn. I gave it the two-finger on each hand. Three days later, our President is sick. Should I feel guilty for recklessly brandishing my powerful digits? Or should I feel guilty for not feeling guilty? This is all my fault. The Suits will be knocking on my door any minute now. Please advise ASAP.
    --Dazed and Confused in Cleveland

  8. I've been reading comments online that they believe that drumpf doesn't have it & will have a miraculous recovery & claim hydrochloroquine cured him.
    That would be the October surprise.
    Damned if I know, but he's certainly capable of yet another lie or ten thousand!

  9. Grizz, do not feel guilty. I've been waiting for this for months. My thought powers are possibly stronger than your middle fingers. It's my fault, and I don't care.

    I'm watching coverage on TV; everyone is wearing masks now which I find wildly amusing for some reason. When he's well again, he'll be telling us how it's not a big deal, don't worry if you get sick, and we're rounding the corner...or curve or whatever the hell it is we're rounding.

  10. Wow, Shari called this one right.


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